I don't really like going to parties, and all that

I don't really know how to start this one, because once I starting heading towards one direction, there's a lot of things I'll forget to talk about. 

I turned my phone off now so let me think... 

I got this on loop while writing this so y'all know where the vibe is at.

Earlier this week Anthony invited me to go to his graduation party. I've been invited to a lot of parties this summer. I haven't gone to any. I appreciate the gestures, and it means a lot that someone would want my presence while celebrating something... I don't like parties because it they all seem fabricated. Nothing seems real. We all gotta pull up with facades just to seem like the best version of ourselves to each other. I don't like Alessia Cara's music, but she was onto something when she said, "But really I would rather be at home all by myself, not in this room with people who don't even care about my well-being".

I know Anthony cares, and I know so many other people do too. But nothing just ever seems real in my perspective. I'm all for celebrating something, but parties aren't my wave. I don't like to be with large groups of people making small talk the entire time. 

I don't see myself as some next-level woke, higher level thinking, "I'm better than all you peasants because I don't like parties" kind of person. I hate those people, those who just don't go to parties because they think they're too cool. I'm anxious of parties, I don't enjoy surrounding myself with party-ers. I consider myself a pretty secluded person, and there's a lot of other things I'd rather do than get intoxicated and share moments of that sense with my "friends". Not that every party has drugs, but at every party I seem to get invited to, the primary objective always has to do with getting drunk or high to really enjoy the moments. 

Drugs are also a really big reason I'm scared of parties. Just because of personal experience. I know too many people whose lives have been destroyed because of drug addiction. And as a POC, I don't have time for things like that. Unfortunate, but true (I'll get into that entire discussion another day). I know that if I go to a party in 2018, I'm always gonna try to get peer pressured to just drink one shot or just take one hit. And if I don't, then I'm kind of like the bad guy in that small moment. And nobody likes to get antagonized. Some antagonists never saw themselves as antagonists. They were just people that saw the world differently than the majority. And in a similar way, I don't look down on my brother, sister, and friends for wanting to party, and being able to party at that. I'm jealous of it too. I wish I wasn't scared to party, or even, I wish I could party. I have too many defense mechanisms when it comes to them.

Earlier this week Adrian went to Raising Cane's the first time, and I went with him, cause their Texas Toast is fire. I told him how I was jealous of his ability to party. Like me, he keeps his life on the DL, and never gives too much into the unnecessities of life. Yet, whenever the moment arises, he's just like able to flip a switch and go into "party mode". He knows how to party, he knows how to work with a large group of people and vibe with them on a surface level. I can't do that. That's what parties are to me. They're all surface, and I'm only starting to understand how precious time is, how precious these times are. Once again, I'd like to disclaim that I'm not hating on party-ers nor their decisions. I want to be able to party, too. But it's just not in my nature, and that's that.

Adrian responded that I should be able to go to parties, because at one point in my life, I was super super extroverted. My entire middle school and high school persona screamed that I was a "people person". But I told him I was never extroverted, because I never was extroverted. All of my life I've been an outspoken person, and because of that, the lines of extroversion and outspokenness get blurred. Because being outspoken isn't exactly an introvert trait. I often garnered attention because of my lack of fear to say what I believed in, and because of that I tended to large groups of people. I wouldn't call that extroversion though; I handled a large group of people, but I never used the large group of people's energy to keep me energized. A lot of people call me an ambivert (a combination of two), but I think I'm mainly an introvert. If you can even put labels on these kinds of things. If I had extrovert traits, I think I'd dismiss them because I don't want to recognize myself with them. Because I've never fed off others' energy to keep me going. I've always enjoyed solitude my entire life. I would much rather be in my room just writing something as opposed to going out with a huge group of friends to like BDubs or something. I'm not talking down on BDubs though. Their 50 cent wings are fire. 

It's always fxcking annoying because my sister disregards me because of my lack of ability to party. I don't exactly know what to do at them, so I just sit the entire time, don't say anything, and just go on my phone. She says it's disrespectful to the hosts if I'm not having a good time. And it hurts when she just dismisses me and looks down on me because I don't like the situation I'm at. Even if that's not what she says nor is that the point she's trying to make, that's how I feel. And she wouldn't understand, cause she goes to Northwestern, one of the hottest places on the block when it comes to parties. So parties and partying are like second nature to her. Not to mention, she's been intoxicated before and has surrounded herself with intoxicated people before, so she knows what the vibe's at. She's often the most understanding person I know when it comes to things in life, but whenever I'm not vibing like she is at parties, she gets mad at me and I hate it a lot. I know she doesn't try to be dismissive when it comes to my party behaviors/tendencies, but that's how it comes off, and I hate it too. Moments like those with her make me dislike parties even more.

I appreciate Adrian and Stephanie though, because earlier this summer at Superdawg they tried to convince me that not all parties are just surface-level moments, and some real, genuine moments with friends can be made there. Their anecdotes weren't really convincing though, because the examples they shared weren't at parties, but at small get-togethers with close friends. And I think that's the unclear part of my perspective. I'm not against going out with 2-3 close people. Y'all can always seen me posted up with BRNSQD or Yike Team. However, y'all would never see all of BRNSQD posted up at a party together. Adrian and Roland would most definitely be seen together, but I always hold myself back from these moments. They also save me in clutch moments too; one time someone invited me to a party, but I didn't want to let them down because they were always a nice person to me, so instead of just saying "no", I said, "No, but the rest of BRNSQD could pull up if you want", and at that time BRNSQD was a minor phenomenon so the person said yes with pleasure.

So they saved me at that moment, I gotta give it to them. Adrian's too nice with it, and Roland's just the boy. His entire persona oozes out extroversion. We're almost polar opposites when it comes to those kind of things. He often invites me out to things, but I always say no because they're not my vibe, and I wouldn't want to ruin his moment. 

It's interesting writing about it and thinking out loud while doing so. Roland, a full on extrovert, looks up to me so much, a pretty introverted person. And here I am, a pretty introverted person, wanting the traits of Roland, a full on extrovert. Damn, opposites really do attract.

I think a lot of people look up to me because I'm an introvert, but they wouldn't know that because the things I put out and my outspokenness make me seem like an extrovert. So it's like an introvert dropping facts as an extrovert. And a lot of people seem to be invested in that idea. Most of the famous people today are actually introverts, but they put their content and product out in a similar way that extroverts would. I'm not saying that extroverts are unoriginal or uncreative; people are interested in things different than them, and in the same way, extroverts are interested in these kinds of introverts because they have different, introverted thoughts, but they put them out in an accessible way so that extroverts can easily digest them.

I'm not trying to call any of my extroverted friends and followers lower than me, or less woke. Because while you may be interested in my introverted thoughts and product, I desire to have your extroverted tendencies. Because I really am jealous of them. I wish I could just go out and party with my friends, because my friends are always planning stuff and trying to invite me and get me to come, but it's a lose-lose situation for all of us. Because if I don't come, it would be annoying on my part and the actual planned event would not be as dope as it could have (I didn't word that well but I'm sure you understand. An Izeezus-less event is a lot worse than an event with Izeezus). And even if I did come, one, I wouldn't want to be there so I wouldn't be happy, and two, because I wouldn't be happy as a result of not wanting to be there, I wouldn't be the Izeezus everyone knows and loves, so overall I'd just be a major turnoff to the whole vibe. 

I'd anticipate this lifestyle to change in the future. I'm only 19 right now, and my views are going to be very different from yours. I come with only love, and I'm not dismissing any of your perspectives because mine is different from yours. Civil conversation is what we need more of. If anyone's willing to explain their side of the story and try to convince me, I'm always down to hear. Y'all know where to find me, either DM or hit the link in the top right of my page where you can say anything you want. I've never been a fan of parties or drinking or any kind of drug at that, but I will say that one of my life's future interests is becoming a wine connoisseur in the future. Shoutout DWade.

Like I said, I knew I was going to miss a lot of stuff. But it's ok. I think I'm alright with how this one turned out.  

I guess I'll end this one out with the lyrics of "Splendor", the song I've had on loop this entire time:

What have we to show?
Barren feelings and dust for crow

We can't ever know
When it's time to go
That's the way to see the end
Glowing out along the river bend
It's not goodbye my only friend
Yesterday started over again

That last line, what a bar.