I first heard about the news from Javi, when he was trying to confirm the validity of it when it first got announced. I immediately checked Twitter and searched Kobe, and while a headline didn’t come up, I saw that everyone was tweeting things along the lines of “RIP Kobe Bryant” and “Please tell me y’all are joking, there’s no way he actually died right????? Please God...”
Because it was so early on, there weren’t many developments about it. So I knew I had to go to the one spot that’s wrong on everything except celebrity deaths, TMZ. And there it was.
It was still a surreal moment for me; I called my sister into my room and she stood there, frozen in shock. The first thing she did was try to check on Twitter if it was legit, to which I told her it was legit cause TMZ reported it. While she was still in disbelief and my throat choking up, I ran downstairs and changed the television channel to all the newscasts and sports channels, but with no luck. Everything was covering the Pro Bowl that was happening at the time. My voice shaking, I told my parents in Hindi, “Kobe Bryant died.”
My dad couldn’t believe it and he tried to look through the channels if it was being covered anywhere. My mom was in shock too; while she doesn’t know a lot about basketball, there’s no way she didn’t know Kobe cause he’s an icon. She, too, began looking on her phone for information. It was weird for me, cause no one around me was believing me when I broke them the news, but I can’t blame them.
Right after that, my sister said from upstairs that her friend Suzanna just texted her that he died, therefore confirming the news. I didn’t start crying immediately, I was just walking around the living room with my hands on my temple, not knowing how to process it. In the midst of breaking down, my grandma - unaware of the whole situation - was calling me in the bathroom so I could open her bottle of mouthwash. The second I exited the bathroom, I just started bawling as my mom stood outside the door and I fell into her arms, tears staining her red home shirt. My sister came over to console me, and my dad was still in search on the TV for news. I went upstairs.
I was such a mess, man. I hadn’t washed my hair since the previous Monday (I have this really awesome professor on Tuesdays/Thursdays so I wash my hair the night before Tuesday so I can look good for her class), so my hair was all messy, oily and all over the place. I just sat in my room and cried for a long time. Afterwards, I video called the group chat and Javi/Matthew picked up. We were basically silent the entire time, nearly no words were said. We were all just looking at each other, I was shaking my head as I continued to scroll through, which had now gotten the information and was being publicized. I continue to go on a long Instagram story, trying to bring as much light on the event as possible (interpret this as you will), and the rest is history. You don’t need to hear me talk about how the world reacted to Kobe’s death, and you don’t need to hear me dissecting the timeline of misinformation that was being shared yesterday afternoon/evening.
Yesterday I tried to get some written thoughts out for y’all to read, but everytime I’d try to write something, I just couldn’t get a complete thought out. Just a bunch of incomplete sentences, because I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know what direction to take my mind. It was then that I realized I needed to give myself some time to cope and recover, it was then that I realized that this death was like no other I’d ever experienced before. Kobe Bryant’s death is the most impactful death I’ve experienced in my life up to this point. I’ve almost failed a few times today trying to write this but I’m powering through this one right now.
I’ve spent the past day and a half just reading everything about Kobe. What everyone was saying about him, their goodbyes, his best moments, his legacy, what could’ve been, what should’ve been, how Gigi was going to absolutely take over the WNBA and make the culture there relevant, and everything in between. When I was in my Food and Culture class today, I read a Reddit post by user u/recondonny that really resonated with me. I’ll copy and paste some of my favorite things that he said:
> Kobe was not among my favorite players like AI, T-Mac, Dwade, more recently Anthony Davis. I think this was because he was so familiar to me. There was no need to take ownership of him because he had always been there, and idolizing him almost seemed boring at the time. Kinda like idolizing your big brother, or dad. Sometimes you don't think of how great they are because you are so familiar with them.
> Our lives, who we are, and the cultural makeups within us are like a puzzle. Certain people and events each add a piece to this puzzle. Finishing middle school added a piece or two to this puzzle, getting my first "girlfriend" added a couple. But some of the puzzle pieces that make us up can sort of slip in there in different spots. I didn't realize how many pieces, scattered here and there throughout my puzzle, had something to do with Kobe Bryant. All the cliche's - tireless work ethic, completeness, self confidence, self worth, motivation, purpose, ..... dreams. Kobe was a validation and manifestation of these things for, I think, my entire generation.
> If you were to remove a couple of pieces of this puzzle... or even as much as a 10 piece cluster, you could still connect the dots and make out the bigger picture. But when you remove so many small pieces that were so quietly but confidently scattered throughout, the whole thing just kinda stops making sense. Something so influential can be removed so arbitrarily. I know the pieces will come back, but right now it just feels like they've been taken away, which is why I think we are all struggling to make sense of this. The whole picture is just fuzzy.
Reading this post today gave me so much clarity. These are the words that my heart and soul were professing, but I didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to put these thoughts together. Fortunately, this 27 year dude on the Internet was grateful enough to voice a message that many of us are currently echoing.
Kobe has always been there. Ever since I was 6 years old in 2005, one of my earliest memories watching a Lakers and Heat game at my dad’s best friend’s house (who was a Lakers stan), Kobe was one of the first names I learned about in basketball and he always there with me, and for me. And that’s why this death in particular. There’s never been someone in my life that I’ve known that long to die so suddenly, especially when their purpose wasn’t even close to being fulfilled.
There was so much left to do, man.
I’ve felt so lost since Sunday, and this lack of direction is what’s the most unsettling. Like, where do we go from here?
What really fucked with me was reading this headline by The Atlantic, titled Remembering Gigi Bryant (2006-2020). Like, what the fuck dude. 2006. That’s so not right man. She was fucking 13 years old man. She was deadass gonna take over the WNBA and make it cool. Like damn, I would’ve gone to a WNBA game to see another Bryant take the stage.
I think something that was hard for me personally was how much my family was unaffected by this. This isn’t a diss on them and I’m not expecting at all for anyone in my family to be as avid of a basketball fan as I am, but it just really sucked hearing that everyone was having a good ass day and I wasn’t. I don’t mind my mom and dad enjoying whatever Indian program they were watching, they’re deserving of their joy and are entitled to their happiness. It really just hurt when my brother and sister came home with their friends and were just laughing loud as hell both downstairs and upstairs. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting in my room with my door closed, watching the Los Angeles news as residents tried to piece together the situation and regain composure. And I can’t just pull up on my brother and sister - tears in my eyes - telling them to stop having fun so I can grieve in peace. They were bouta go watch Parasite that night. But that was just a shitty experience for me. After they left though, me, Adrian and Matthew went to Lou Malnati’s and I felt better after that.
At Lou’s, Matthew said something that stuck with me. He was talking about how Kobe’s death was so devastating because “all this time that I’ve known Kobe, I’ve come to know him as this invincible, unstoppable force of nature with a legendary work ethic. Like, I thought Kobe was invincible.”
And that’s something so many of us are feeling right now. I never thought I’d be writing this post, I should’ve been a busy working father by the time he died. I’ll always remember Kobe as the one who claims Mamba Mentality. I was very blessed today that during my English class, my friend James lent me this WHOLE book that’s dedicated to the art and craft of Kobe’s game, it was really enlightening to see how intricately Kobe dissected every single aspect of basketball. You could really tell that ball really was life for him.
For the past decade of my life, I’ve been playing so much basketball in my backyard and at the fitness center, mimicking my jumpshots and fadeaway after Kobe. All of my fadeaway motions are inspired by watching a Kobe Bryant fadeaway compilation on YouTube. I know I’ve been saying for a while now that after I cut my hair in March, I’m gonna start working out and playing basketball again (I haven’t actively been doing either since early 2019). But man, the stakes and responsibilities for me are so much higher now. And it sucks that this had to be the motivator. I know it sounds corny as hell, but literally I’m gonna go so hard this year for Kobe. I’m confident that I’m going to think of Kobe every single day this year, I’m positive of that. I have 0 plans of changing my wallpaper from Kobe, unless I find another Kobe wallpaper, one that fits the energy I’m on.
I will go hard this year for Kobe. I have to.
I’m not trying to romanticize this at all. But to all the non-basketball fans, y’all have to see where I’m coming from. Kobe Bryant was all about work ethic, his entire identity revolved around it. I can’t help but think of that as I write this, and as I move onto this next year of life. I’m gonna be 21 soon, and all I’m gonna be thinking about is Kobe. There will be many other people who will be claiming Kobe, I can’t blame them. Kobe has been there for so many of us. It’s important that we uphold what the Mamba Mentality truly entails, and that can be whatever Mamba Mentality means to you. The definition is whatever you’ve taken away from Kobe. For me personally, it means to strive for perfection - while acknowledging that perfection isn’t real, but wanting it anyway - as well as approaching every single obstacle in front of you with passion, energy, confidence, fearlessness, and overall just never going out without a fight. Win or lose, what matters is that you gave it your all come endgame.
I’m gonna be thinking about this a lot. I’m going to be in pain for a hot minute. I’ve always advocated for accepting the situation and continuing to move forward, and I’m definitely going to do that, but I’m not gonna force myself there. This is a wound that goes years deep, and I’m going to take a lot of time to myself grieving about this. It’s not just a death that I can move on from, man. Like I said before, this death is the most impactful one I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Everyone’s feelings and emotions are valid, especially in these times. Don’t be ashamed to cry, cry out as much as you want. Best believe I am. Kobe’s done so much for LA, for America, and for the world. Him not being here is definitely felt, and everyone deserves to pour one up and pour out for Kobe.
Tomorrow’s gonna be a new day. I’m gonna wash my hair (finally), I’m gonna cut my nails, I’m not lining up my beard just yet. While the next couple months are going to hurt indefinitely, I’m going to continue to keep progressing in my life. In a direct way, I feel like something’s calling to apply the Mamba Mentality to my music. Y’all know I’m on that “You Can’t Rush Greatness” wave, but something’s just different this time around man. The way I see it now, I want to get my music out as soon as possible so everyone can hear it. Cause I don’t know who’s going to be here tomorrow and who’s not. So it’s important that I finish this stuff asap. I’m waiting until Kenan comes back from school, I want our song to be the first single I release.
I’m sure y’all have seen me add Kanye and GOOD Music’s song “The One” on my Instagram story multiple times recently. It’s this song that’s been getting me through this time. I keep thinking of Kobe as the one, but at the same time, knowing the Mamba, he’d want me to view myself as the one. It’s this outro by James Fauntleroy that’s been keeping me composed and is giving me a sense of closure in these rough times, I recommend taking a listen to this one minute portion.
Of awesome, it's possible, goddamn right
Yeah I've been honest the whole time
Of awesome, it's possible, goddamn right
Yeah I've been honest the whole time
I love you all always. You’ve probably heard this a lot in the past 1.5 days, but I seriously urge you all to let some people that you haven’t talked to in a while that you love them and are thinking of them. We need to be present for people. We need to be here for people. We need each other, period.
Best believe I’m gonna be messaging HELLA people this week, I need people to know how I feel about them, cause I don’t know when it’s anyone’s time to go.
Stay safe everyone
