Blood Orange - Chewing Gum

I swear to God I wanna make videos so bad!!

The Last Day of Summer

Summer 2018. I feel like the pacing of this summer went really well. Usually I'm complaining on whether summer went by too fast or if it was dragging. It was a decent blend of both, for me personally at least. There were times that I wished I could just go back to school and have something to worry about, and then I had several realizations that I no longer have time to do all the things that I want. There's a lot of visions I had in mind that I wanted to make real, that I wasn't able to. I feel like that's a recurring trend in my life. Time always ruins everything. But at the same time, it makes everything perfect. I find myself complaining yet praising about time always. Time is everything. Time is everything.

I remember last year's summer was all about Brockhampton. The best way I could describe Summer 17 was "SATURATION Season". I remember forcing everyone to listen to them, and I, for a hot minute, was legitimately a BH stan. And everyone knows how annoying BH stans, especially when they're proud about it. Especially those Twitter stans. Someone could literally tweet out ":)", and they'd reply with things like "We love a smiling king" or "HGJGJDFGHSKFDHSE". Some lame ish like that. 

2018's been a really good year for music so far. I haven't been able to indulge into everything, just cause there's so much material. Roland's been on my ass cause I still haven't listened to Daytona. I don't rush anything though, I know everything will happen with time. I'm listening to Negro Swan by Blood Orange as I write this reflection. Phenomenal album, I'm currently on Hope as I'm typing this exact sentence.

I'mma keep it real with y'all, Summer 18 was all about my newfound part time job at Dollar Tree. It all started when I had a dream in March that I was working at the Dollar Tree by my house as a cashier. It was so specific, like I remember standing exactly at register 2 as a cashier. It had to have been God's Plan, cause I went to apply there, and guess what, I got my summer job just like that. The one I worked at was pretty much at the border of Chicago Dollar Tree district, so I got paid Chicago's minimum wage, but got the benefits of a suburban Dollar Tree (i.e. you wouldn't have to buy plastic bags at my Dollar Tree). 

Dollar Tree pretty much got in the way of a lot of creative goals I set for myself this summer. I got like 80% of them completed, but I still feel like they're not ready enough to be released to the public. I'm planning to refine them during the school year. Like for example, I made a bunch of music that I have chilling in the Izeezus Archives. Is it conceited if you listen to your own music? I make music that I'd want to listen to, so obviously if my joint's hot, I'm gonna wanna listen to it. 

But I only wanted to release music so long as it had a complementary music video alongside it. And I never really got time for that. It was either a lack of time, or the landscape I desired wasn't apparent at the time I was free. For example. in the beginning of summer, in the first 2 weeks we got hit with a lot of beautiful sunsets and skies. Pink and purple skies alongside reddish-orange suns, it was amazing. And I envisioned Adrian shooting a basketball at the local park in slo-mo with the sky in the backdrop. But literally almost every single time, Adrian and 9 were either asleep or didn't have their phone on them. I was so pissed off about that, considered it happened multiple times this summer. But I'm not butthurt or upset about it, because neither of them are obligated to take part in any of my creative projects, they only do it because they want to or because they want to support me as a friend. Also creative projects are fun, for me at least. It's cool to create a product that I took part in, I'm sure 9 feels like that at times too, considering he's always down to embark on new creative journeys with me. (I've used the word "creative" one too many times in this paragraph) Adrian's not really on that creative visionary wave though, he hates going to The Lab. But I'm not going to go deeper in on Adrian, this isn't a roast session nor a critical analysis on his character. 

That was just one example, I had so many different ideas, and a lot of them were seen in my dreams. I had this one thing that took place in the forest, with Anthony representing light and Roland representing darkness. And then someone was supposed to be the Grim Reaper, but I didn't really think that far. I wanted them two to be in a scene together, but I feel like neither of them would put their hate aside to help me create my vision. I wanna say Anthony would, but you know Roland's on that hate shit. To my knowledge, both of them got bad blood out for each other. I wasn't there to witness the rivalry this past year, but obviously there's some legit tension cause neither of them are on speaking terms. It's sad and embarrassing as fuck honestly. Of course, I don't know all the details, nor what either of them personally did to each other or to others, but imagine the collabs that could've happened with us 3. Under my vision, we could've made this summer a legendary and iconic one. But there's a lot I don't know about them, and I understand that that lack of knowledge is what restricted the trio of us 3 happening. Despite how enlightened I am. I don't care how much hatred they have for each other, and I don't care that they probably don't want me to publicly address this stuff like I just did, but my hope in the future is that I can be the mediator between the 2 and help them bury whatever hatchets they have with each other. When both of them read it I know they'll disagree with a lot of this and maybe even tell me to take this part down, but they don't get it like I do. And I'm not even on my cocky sh*t right now. There are things that I envision, and I know them 2 need to compromise on some level for these destinies to happen. 

Who knows if any of that will ever happen though. Maybe it's all just nonsense to the next person.

The point is that a lot of things didn't happen, when I feel like they should've. But, I must remind myself that the man upstairs knows what should happen, and what shouldn't; He didn't want me to do things that I wanted to, maybe to protect me from something. I won't rush anything.

--- 

I remember the last time I thought about hanging out with people, I told myself that I would try to hang out with as many different people as possible to expand my mind; as I become more self-aware of myself, I changed that philosophy. This year I only hung out with people that care about me, and the other way around. I only hung out with 4 people outside of my regular friendzone, and that's still a lot for me. I don't really invest into those people myself as much as I do others, so of course a lot of it was just surface. And y'all know how I feel about surface level. I don't think that any of my confrontations were "wastes of time", I just feel like I could've been doing more at those moments. And at times I was making the effort, but sometimes the vibe doesn't click with the other person and you two are just constantly never on the same page. It's not really awkward, because you're definitely close enough and genuine with one another to have real and intimate vibes, but simply put, the energy's just not in sync and something seems off. I know someone can relate. Because I always have to remind myself that a lot of us go through the same shit and are going through the same shit, just not everyone talks about it. I speak about my experiences with a slight bit of fear, but with plenty of confidence, in hopes that others can sympathize and realize that they're not alone in their darkness. I'm there with you, believe me I am.

I know a lot of people find discomfort in silence, but I'm indifferent to it. Because people always feel like they need to have something to say - that's not the case. As many thoughts as I have, I'll always appreciate moments of silence with my friends. It's usually when the atmosphere's platonic, there's not much that needs to be said. Simply the presence of each other is enough. I never force any conversation, I hate small talk. I'm not bouta make a basic ass statement just to have a statement. If I have nothing to say or nothing important to contribute, then I'll just remain. Not that everything has to be important, though. That's not the lesson I'm trying to give. I'm always down to have some really stupid conversations because they're funny as hell. Like sometimes when me and Sean talk, literally all we say to each other is "Ay!" And that's it. That'd be the whole conversation, just different variations of "Ay" on repeat. Those kind of dumb memories are what makes this life so special. 

Shoutout Stephanie, Roland, Adrian, Javi, Matthew, 9, Grace, Luke, Anthony, Aaron, Richmond and Julia for being real. Thanks for existing. Obviously there are more people, but those are some people off the top of my head who affected my summer. I told myself I wouldn't drop everyone's name, but don't look at it the wrong way if you're not on this list, because I'm not thinking too much on it.

It's 11PM right now and I'm gonna be in a lecture center in 11 hours. I anticipate that this year I'll enjoy my classes a lot more. I purposely arranged 3 classes in my schedule so I can take them with my new friend Alex, she's really nice and easily my closest friend at college. And I don't even feel like I'm close with her. Shows how reclusive I am. I've only made like 4 friends so far, but I'm not stressing about that. I know the real ones will pull up when it's time.

Shoutout to anyone that supports me, you feel? I'm very blessed to even have someone read this. Without an audience, my voice is useless. My visionary thoughts don't matter if no one's listening. Even if I put something out, there's a chance that no one would peep it. I'm happy that there are 7-10 people that visit this page every other day, it's crazy how I have those analytics. Just the fact that people are waiting to see what I have to say is an honor, and I'm grateful to have people like you caring. Today my guy Andy T pulled up to Dollar Tree, we talked for only like a hot minute but he told me how he was upset that I cancelled my EP hours before it officially dropped. I had my reasons for holding it back, but I realized that there are people out here waiting for me. As Mr. Sinclair would say, "It's a good problem to have". At the end of the day, I'm not gonna drop anything until I'm 100% content with it. I have a lot of projects that are considered "done", but I'm gonna be spending my free time during the school year just refining what I've done. Which is really hard for me to do personally, because I'm always hopping back and forth between different projects and starting several others without not always completely committing and finishing one. It's something I have to work on, and I hope I can learn to focus more this upcoming school year. Because I don't wanna f*ck up my grades, you feel? I'm going hella in debt through loans to be there, I wouldn't want my progress to go to waste. Speaking of finances, I still haven't even completed financial aid (SMH!). I filed the FAFSA when it first dropped, but I can't get my award letter until I first verify my dependency. And there's a whole complicated thing with the IRS but I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about that. Perhaps I've said too much.

There's a lot more that needs to be said. A lot a lot a lot more. My growth is real. I had a breakdown at the end of the year last year, and I ghosted the world for the first quarter of 2018. I came back at my birthday, and despite all the darkness (I still deal with darkness), I'm happy to say I feel happy, after a long time. I feel happy. I haven't told myself that in a few months. I was so messed up a few months ago I shaved my head and I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to be anyone. I wasn't someone. 

Looking back at it now, I was able to see how many people really cared about me. I never got any replies, but I got so many texts and voicemails from people asking if I was okay. It meant a lot, but I didn't want to connect with anyone, because I didn't feel like I was worth it at the time. My presence meant nothing to me at that time in my life, because there was so much going downhill at once, like a bomb.

There are still problems now, a lot of them, that I deal with on the daily. In the real world and inside of my head, there's a lot wrong happening. But I'm grateful to have made important realizations about myself recently. And I will be walking forward with a lot more confidence than before.

I'm at a state where I'm completely aware and in love with my identity. I know exactly who I am, I know what my role is, and I know who I am to others. I can definitely call this a high point in my life. But I don't want to look at it as a peak. I feel like I could go higher. Shoutout Stacey King, cause I wanna go higher.

This is not a peak. This is just the start, hopefully!

I cried a lot and I get a lot of goosebumps, especially now. When Peep died and X died, that shit hurt, man. They really helped me out with a lot of stuff. I literally don't listen to their music anymore, it doesn't feel right to me. Just cause I really knew them like that and it's just not the same. I don't know how to explain it, the contrition is ineffable. A lot of people won't get it, so that is all I want to say on that.

Around this time last year I have 1.5k IQ on Genius. I have 45k+ now and I'm an Editor. My growth is real. Shoutout music. I love music and that's why I'm making it. I don't make it with aspirations to make a big, famous artist. I do it cause I love it and I want something hot for people to relate and listen to. I know when I first release something, a lot of people will see me like, "Oh, so that's what he's doing now in life." But an important lesson for you all: Never cater for those that don't care. Create for those that do.

Another important thing, take a break. I had a lot of time to create product this year, but I haven't released anything. I reflected a lot this year, and creation isn't everything. Not everything you do has to be good enough. I made so many trash songs this year, y'all don't even know. Their asses are staying in the Izeezus Archives, they're never seeing the light of day lmao.

My stomach hurts. There's a lot that I'm putting out right now that I didn't expect to. But you deserve to know. Because through you I'm great. 

There's a lot more that needs to be said. And I'll say it all soon. Hopefully soon. But soon.

Thanks once again for reading. I didn't really talk about summer but I did talk, and hopefully you're able to take something of mine. 

I love you, never forget that. Izeezus out.

It's never gifted, only work

I'm very grateful to have the ability to write. Today was day 1 of the last week of summer. I played basketball with my friends, I was happy. Hopefully I can goto the lab tomorrow

numb. i just want to be heard

Do everything in love expect nothing in return

This is just another thank you post to anyone reading this. Whether you're a watcher, an Izeezus hater, or a random making their way through the internet, thank you. Without you I'm voiceless. I made this because I wanted people to listen to me. The people who really care about me would find themselves on this page, and I'll never be able to express my gratitude towards you. Love

Glad to say I'm at peace.

There is nothing happening my life right now. Nothing good, nothing bad, it's just at a standstill right now. And I love it. I haven't been able to just sit back and relax in a while. Though I know this will not last very long. So I will bathe in this moment. I want to be there for people. But I have to be there for myself first.

Shoutout 3, Matthew, and 3's girlfriend (I respect her too much to namedrop her, idk her well enough to do that)

Tonight I woke my grandma up from a nightmare. I was brushing my teeth bumping Astroworld when I heard her screaming in the other room. I thought I was tweaking but I paused "Can't Say" just to make sure I heard something, and I was indeed correct. I don't remember the last time I woke her up from a nightmare. Last time had to have been when I used to sleep next to her as a kid. She thanked me, I hugged her and let her know that everything's gonna be alright, and not to worry. After all, it's through her that our family has maintained such a religious base, so it's only fair that I teach her back the things that she taught me.

Tonight I remembered that My grandma's life is way more f*cked than I can imagine.

Tonight I also realized that I'm not there for people as much as I say I am. I say I'm always there for people, but am I really? It's been such a long time since I went through an experience like tonight, how much more am I forgetting to check up on?

I'm never doing enough. Either that, or I'm doing too much. And that always seems to be a central problem with me. Balance. That's what I look for.

"I honestly don't feel like I'm included as your real ones and that kinda hurts"

> Keep me high Castrati... Punani fade the stress...

I actually refrained from posting this one, cause I didn't really know how to respond to it. I probably don't still know.

Hey whoever this is, I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. Don't interpret these words as me trying to pity or patronize you in any way; my vision has never intended to contain any form of exclusivity. Any power or influence I have is through you, because if no one's listening, the words I'd have to say would be meaningless. So I thank you, I'm grateful for you.

Although my vision's not to be exclusive, I will admit that I'm somewhat exclusive with my time. I only mainly hang out with only 2-3 people. I've hung out with less than 10 people in total this summer. I'll admit I'm not lenient when it comes to spending time with others, that's a personal flaw of me.

I can't even lie, I've had this on loop for a minute while thinking about what to say next, because I don't know what to say next. So I think it's worth having in this.

I probably didn't answer your question, so I apologize; if this really affects you, I feel like you should message me about it, because it's hard to speak on this from an accessible level. Thanks once again.

I promise you

My vision will be seen by many, and my importance to the world will be realized one day.

Life is good.

There's a lot left to fix, a lot left to do. But life is good.

"Say something you feel is important in 10 words or less"

I'm
Always
Giving
Advice
That's
Easier
Said
Than
Done