"What are your thoughts on the extensive theme of drugs in hip hop? Is it possible you would experiment with drugs considering how influential hip hop is to you?"

This is actually an interesting question, and I appreciate you asking this, so thank you. Drug use has been in Hip-Hop for as long as I can remember, I know it was way before me without a doubt, sometime around the 1980s I believe is when it was first mentioned.

I'd like to disclaim that I have never done any drug at this point in my life. I'm currently 19 years old. A lot of my contemporaries clown me for it, saying I'm a b***h or a p***y for not wanting to indulge. It's just that I know too many people personally whose lives have been destroyed by drugs, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and all that. But this isn't about my personal life and who I know. So I'll bring it back to Hip-Hop.

Some of the most notable drug related deaths in Hip-Hop off the top of my head are Pimp C, Yams, DJ Screw, Peep. Rest in peace to all of them. I don't have to sit here and tell you guys how precious their lives and careers were and how much more their life had in store for them. You all know that. But the fact is is that their lives, although different circumstances, they all ended in the overdosing of a drug. Accidental or Intentional, it still happened through drugs. Rest in peace to all of them once again. I speak with no negative connotation, I have love for all of them, and it is not in my interest to speak ill of the dead. A lot of drug issues can be fixed through rehabilitation and remedies. You can't fix death. That's why I never endorse any kind of drug use. 

I don't blame or fault any of their deaths. I'm writing this on the brink of Demi Lovato's heroin downfall, and one of the interesting things I've seen on Twitter is the response they're giving to her death versus the response they give Peep's death. This is the viral tweet I'm talking about.

I don't blame either of them for doing what they're doing/did. Obviously they're going through some shit. Every single drug addict is going through some shit. And they shouldn't be blamed for getting addicted. 

Again, I'm not supporting drug use. Drugs are fucking stupid and it's a terrible decision to make if you're contemplating on using them for the first time. If you're still thinking about it, hopefully I can somewhat convince you to stop. Because you're better than that and like I said, drugs are fucking stupid and they don't help in the long run. A lot of people tell me they use drugs because they numb the pain. But that pain's only being numbed, it's not being helped for. 

Of course, I've never done drugs so I wouldn't understand how those drugs are halting their pain. And of course, it's a lot easier said than done. It is a lot easier said than done. The #1 advantage that drug users have over me on this topic is their experience and understanding it WAY better than I do. And that sort of brings the credibility factor in this, how legit is my standpoint on something that I've never personally dealt with? I'm just the outside perspective. I've never gone deep into this stuff to know what to say. Perhaps I'd have to go into the drug world first and then out for you all to take my position seriously. Because then I have myself established in the conversation. But I'm going to refrain from that. I'm willing to not have my voice be considered credible in this discussion. Because I want to protect myself. I don't want to fall into drugs. I've seen what it does to people. Maybe my brother can speak on being against drugs and hopefully it'd resonate more than what I've said. After he makes it out the drug world, that is. 

In fact, some of the most important voices in Hip-Hop actually speak against drug use. Shoutout Uzi. There are a lot more but I don't have time to namedrop all of them. I have work in a few. 

Regarding experimenting with them - yes, Hip-Hop is very influential to me, that is true. And with that in mind, Hip-Hop has taught me that, despite its virality, drugs are dangerous and should not be used. A lot of the drug-influenced rap that I listen to contain themes of rappers using the drugs to hide their pain, and often times they warn the listener to not fall in the same trap as them. This kind of music allows a lot of drug users to relate, and it also gives heads ups to listeners like me, who have never done drugs before. Artists' intents aren't to get more people to do drugs (at least the music I listen to); if anything, they want you to stay away from them.

I remember I had a conversation one time with a girl who said she uses drugs for creativity purposes. And she's not entirely wrong - I've listened to so many psychedelic cloud rap songs that could only have been inspired by drugs. Word to Rocky, word to L$D.

But even Rocky knows that you gotta hop off at some points. This is off his verified annotation on Praise the Lord on Genius.

> If it’s 12 months out the year, maybe it’s sporadically a month here, a month there, a month there, three months out the year, I’m not smoking. I don’t know. Sometimes it might be more months than that depending on how I’m feeling. For the past three years, I’ve been off and on. Sometimes I take breaks. You gotta stop smoking when it’s things outside of artistry, and you got administrative shit to handle, or you just got other business inquiries. Sometimes you’ve gotta just be on point for it, and I had the privilege of being in artist form for a long time right now. But sometimes, I even stop smoking when it’s time to focus. Get in my zone. Sometimes you’ve gotta really have a clear head to do that.

For me personally, I don't think I need drugs to be more creative. I consider myself to be a pretty creative person, I don't need to take something to be more woke or have a cooler mind. Maybe it would make me more creative, it probably does to be completely honest. My favorite artists do drugs. Not overdose, but they do do it to chill out and relax. That kind of stuff is maintained, they have people around them making sure it's all in moderation. I don't know if I'd have those kind of people around me.

So I apologize to anyone who was trying to smoke with me. A lot of people tell me I'd be so chill when high. But I guess we won't find out anytime soon what I'd really be like. I care about me, and I don't need to mess around with something unnecessary just to prove myself or to be considered hip out here.

I might make a part 2 on this? But I don't know yet. There's a lot of stuff to figure out first.

"Who are the people you'd call real ones?"

There are two ways I interpret this question:

1. Out of the people you know personally, whom of them would you consider to be real ones?

2. What makes someone, in your eyes, a "real one"? What kind of people are real ones?


I'll answer the first one first. It's important to know the difference between real friends and real ones. I only have a select number of real friends, and I respect them too much to just namedrop them for the purpose of listing real friends. But the real friends are those who I've invested into so much to the point that I'd do anything for them.

For me, a real one is someone who keeps it real. 100% realness. I know that doesn't explain anything or even say much, so I'll try to elaborate.

There are plenty of real ones that I don't like or fxck with. However, when I see said person living their best life with no worries and with passion, I gotta pay respect cause that's a real ass move, you know? Even if I don't appreciate the wave that they're on, the fact is that they're on their own wave and that they're happy doing what they want, even if people are bothered by it, like me. Someone like that, someone who doesn't care about giving people what appeals to them, but instead paving their own way and making everyone adjust, that's a real one in my eyes.

This is actually one of the things that's explained better in real life, so you'd have to ask me personally if you want me to lay down the whole vision. Cause obviously a keyboard and a blog isn't enough to truly explain what realness is.

Not everyone will have the same experience. Not everyone will stay in their lane.

I wish I had good handwriting, I always find myself typing.

4 bars off a track I'm recording tomorrow, wish I could show the rest but where's the fun in that

Roland called me the other day asking me what's next
I said I don't have the answers but rep your set
He's for the Grove, I'm for the Ni
So wherever I am I'm doing fine

Shoutout 5'5 gang

Overthinking part 0, also a tangent on love

I unveiled my blog a couple of days ago, and I'm pretty content with how it turned out. Several people DM'd me sharing their thoughts about what I have here so far. All of it positive, so that's good to hear. I know there are definitely some negative views on it, and most definitely people that disagree with me, I just wish that those people were willing to tell me, so I could be more aware. Criticism is what I need, cause I feel like I'm often surrounded by Yes-men.

I was thinking about overthinking the other day at work. Obviously since there's a lot of time to ponder at the dollar store, I'm always thinking and coming up with stuff. Most recently the blog unveil was a highlight for me so that was the focal point of my head. I began to overthink and wonder if there would be any negative repercussions of it. Did I release too much personal information that shouldn't have been said? Will the wrong person read this, and will I have to pay the consequences for it? Along those lines.

Not too long ago I was dropping facts on my friend, and I ended our conversation by apologizing for throwing so much at said person. I quote, "I think a lot. I tend to overthink things." When it comes to people, overthinking is a reflex for people that I care about. I know most of the time it comes off as weird and expected to the receiving person, but I feel like the things I say are important and that the things I say to others are what others need to hear. Overthinking leads to going overboard for people, and I care too much about the life of my friends that sometimes I have to go tryhard for them. Because the majority of the time, a regular effort isn't going to impact anything or turn heads. That's why I do the absolute most for others when it comes to instilling wisdom. Shoutout Colin Kaepernick.

Looking back at it now, I don't think there should've been any real reason for me to apologize. I think at that time, accessibility to my message was a priority, so I think that I apologized for having the other person have to take in so much. Because it was pretty personal and it was a very vulnerable moment. And in those vulnerable moments, you want to be as gentle as possible. Take into consideration the situation which both of you are in, collectively and separately, take into consideration love, if there's any love between both of you or for each other. In vulnerable moments like that, if you don't have important parameters like the ones mentioned established (and believe me, there are way more. I just mentioned like 3), you often won't be able to reach a consensus or come out of it feeling accomplished or feel positive coming out of it.

I wonder how that person is doing, I wonder if they're reading this right now. If you are and you know this is about you, I love you. There's not much more to say.

I feel like if they really cared, they would reach out to me and say something. I don't expect it, though. I'm not a big enough person in their life for them to do that. To be fair, I messaged them out of the blue - despite us not talking much - because I knew that they had to hear what I had to say. They were going through some pretty rough s**t and I had to let them know.

I don't want to come out of that last paragraph sounding like I want or expect any sort of gift or favor for what I do. I don't even think my "work" (I don't consider it "work", it's just lack of a better word. Maybe a better word is "time"...?) deserves to be rewarded. In those times, I do things out of love, with nothing expected in return. I don't show love to others cause I want them to love me back. Of course, no one would deny being loved back, but I do it cause I know that they need it.

I love love, because I love to love.

One of my hottest lines yet, wait til this ends up on a song

I'm right to write cause I've been left on read 1 2 many times

I'm not that strong, I think too much, and that's what's wrong. Instead of thinking on what could've been, I should be thinking on what should've been. I've been thinking,

I don't really like going to parties, and all that

I don't really know how to start this one, because once I starting heading towards one direction, there's a lot of things I'll forget to talk about. 

I turned my phone off now so let me think... 

I got this on loop while writing this so y'all know where the vibe is at.

Earlier this week Anthony invited me to go to his graduation party. I've been invited to a lot of parties this summer. I haven't gone to any. I appreciate the gestures, and it means a lot that someone would want my presence while celebrating something... I don't like parties because it they all seem fabricated. Nothing seems real. We all gotta pull up with facades just to seem like the best version of ourselves to each other. I don't like Alessia Cara's music, but she was onto something when she said, "But really I would rather be at home all by myself, not in this room with people who don't even care about my well-being".

I know Anthony cares, and I know so many other people do too. But nothing just ever seems real in my perspective. I'm all for celebrating something, but parties aren't my wave. I don't like to be with large groups of people making small talk the entire time. 

I don't see myself as some next-level woke, higher level thinking, "I'm better than all you peasants because I don't like parties" kind of person. I hate those people, those who just don't go to parties because they think they're too cool. I'm anxious of parties, I don't enjoy surrounding myself with party-ers. I consider myself a pretty secluded person, and there's a lot of other things I'd rather do than get intoxicated and share moments of that sense with my "friends". Not that every party has drugs, but at every party I seem to get invited to, the primary objective always has to do with getting drunk or high to really enjoy the moments. 

Drugs are also a really big reason I'm scared of parties. Just because of personal experience. I know too many people whose lives have been destroyed because of drug addiction. And as a POC, I don't have time for things like that. Unfortunate, but true (I'll get into that entire discussion another day). I know that if I go to a party in 2018, I'm always gonna try to get peer pressured to just drink one shot or just take one hit. And if I don't, then I'm kind of like the bad guy in that small moment. And nobody likes to get antagonized. Some antagonists never saw themselves as antagonists. They were just people that saw the world differently than the majority. And in a similar way, I don't look down on my brother, sister, and friends for wanting to party, and being able to party at that. I'm jealous of it too. I wish I wasn't scared to party, or even, I wish I could party. I have too many defense mechanisms when it comes to them.

Earlier this week Adrian went to Raising Cane's the first time, and I went with him, cause their Texas Toast is fire. I told him how I was jealous of his ability to party. Like me, he keeps his life on the DL, and never gives too much into the unnecessities of life. Yet, whenever the moment arises, he's just like able to flip a switch and go into "party mode". He knows how to party, he knows how to work with a large group of people and vibe with them on a surface level. I can't do that. That's what parties are to me. They're all surface, and I'm only starting to understand how precious time is, how precious these times are. Once again, I'd like to disclaim that I'm not hating on party-ers nor their decisions. I want to be able to party, too. But it's just not in my nature, and that's that.

Adrian responded that I should be able to go to parties, because at one point in my life, I was super super extroverted. My entire middle school and high school persona screamed that I was a "people person". But I told him I was never extroverted, because I never was extroverted. All of my life I've been an outspoken person, and because of that, the lines of extroversion and outspokenness get blurred. Because being outspoken isn't exactly an introvert trait. I often garnered attention because of my lack of fear to say what I believed in, and because of that I tended to large groups of people. I wouldn't call that extroversion though; I handled a large group of people, but I never used the large group of people's energy to keep me energized. A lot of people call me an ambivert (a combination of two), but I think I'm mainly an introvert. If you can even put labels on these kinds of things. If I had extrovert traits, I think I'd dismiss them because I don't want to recognize myself with them. Because I've never fed off others' energy to keep me going. I've always enjoyed solitude my entire life. I would much rather be in my room just writing something as opposed to going out with a huge group of friends to like BDubs or something. I'm not talking down on BDubs though. Their 50 cent wings are fire. 

It's always fxcking annoying because my sister disregards me because of my lack of ability to party. I don't exactly know what to do at them, so I just sit the entire time, don't say anything, and just go on my phone. She says it's disrespectful to the hosts if I'm not having a good time. And it hurts when she just dismisses me and looks down on me because I don't like the situation I'm at. Even if that's not what she says nor is that the point she's trying to make, that's how I feel. And she wouldn't understand, cause she goes to Northwestern, one of the hottest places on the block when it comes to parties. So parties and partying are like second nature to her. Not to mention, she's been intoxicated before and has surrounded herself with intoxicated people before, so she knows what the vibe's at. She's often the most understanding person I know when it comes to things in life, but whenever I'm not vibing like she is at parties, she gets mad at me and I hate it a lot. I know she doesn't try to be dismissive when it comes to my party behaviors/tendencies, but that's how it comes off, and I hate it too. Moments like those with her make me dislike parties even more.

I appreciate Adrian and Stephanie though, because earlier this summer at Superdawg they tried to convince me that not all parties are just surface-level moments, and some real, genuine moments with friends can be made there. Their anecdotes weren't really convincing though, because the examples they shared weren't at parties, but at small get-togethers with close friends. And I think that's the unclear part of my perspective. I'm not against going out with 2-3 close people. Y'all can always seen me posted up with BRNSQD or Yike Team. However, y'all would never see all of BRNSQD posted up at a party together. Adrian and Roland would most definitely be seen together, but I always hold myself back from these moments. They also save me in clutch moments too; one time someone invited me to a party, but I didn't want to let them down because they were always a nice person to me, so instead of just saying "no", I said, "No, but the rest of BRNSQD could pull up if you want", and at that time BRNSQD was a minor phenomenon so the person said yes with pleasure.

So they saved me at that moment, I gotta give it to them. Adrian's too nice with it, and Roland's just the boy. His entire persona oozes out extroversion. We're almost polar opposites when it comes to those kind of things. He often invites me out to things, but I always say no because they're not my vibe, and I wouldn't want to ruin his moment. 

It's interesting writing about it and thinking out loud while doing so. Roland, a full on extrovert, looks up to me so much, a pretty introverted person. And here I am, a pretty introverted person, wanting the traits of Roland, a full on extrovert. Damn, opposites really do attract.

I think a lot of people look up to me because I'm an introvert, but they wouldn't know that because the things I put out and my outspokenness make me seem like an extrovert. So it's like an introvert dropping facts as an extrovert. And a lot of people seem to be invested in that idea. Most of the famous people today are actually introverts, but they put their content and product out in a similar way that extroverts would. I'm not saying that extroverts are unoriginal or uncreative; people are interested in things different than them, and in the same way, extroverts are interested in these kinds of introverts because they have different, introverted thoughts, but they put them out in an accessible way so that extroverts can easily digest them.

I'm not trying to call any of my extroverted friends and followers lower than me, or less woke. Because while you may be interested in my introverted thoughts and product, I desire to have your extroverted tendencies. Because I really am jealous of them. I wish I could just go out and party with my friends, because my friends are always planning stuff and trying to invite me and get me to come, but it's a lose-lose situation for all of us. Because if I don't come, it would be annoying on my part and the actual planned event would not be as dope as it could have (I didn't word that well but I'm sure you understand. An Izeezus-less event is a lot worse than an event with Izeezus). And even if I did come, one, I wouldn't want to be there so I wouldn't be happy, and two, because I wouldn't be happy as a result of not wanting to be there, I wouldn't be the Izeezus everyone knows and loves, so overall I'd just be a major turnoff to the whole vibe. 

I'd anticipate this lifestyle to change in the future. I'm only 19 right now, and my views are going to be very different from yours. I come with only love, and I'm not dismissing any of your perspectives because mine is different from yours. Civil conversation is what we need more of. If anyone's willing to explain their side of the story and try to convince me, I'm always down to hear. Y'all know where to find me, either DM or hit the link in the top right of my page where you can say anything you want. I've never been a fan of parties or drinking or any kind of drug at that, but I will say that one of my life's future interests is becoming a wine connoisseur in the future. Shoutout DWade.

Like I said, I knew I was going to miss a lot of stuff. But it's ok. I think I'm alright with how this one turned out.  

I guess I'll end this one out with the lyrics of "Splendor", the song I've had on loop this entire time:

What have we to show?
Barren feelings and dust for crow

We can't ever know
When it's time to go
That's the way to see the end
Glowing out along the river bend
It's not goodbye my only friend
Yesterday started over again

That last line, what a bar.

I want to be somebody, but at the same time I don't want to be remembered

The dualities of life

3:19 AM

I wish the people most important to me knew how important they were.

I will always love them and intimately show my appreciation to them, but I always feel like it's not enough.

Especially for the people that make you want to keep living. I feel like simple gestures aren't enough for those golden people.

I guess the best way to show my appreciation to them is to keep on living, loving and doing me.

For if it were not for them, I would not be here living, loving and doing me.

I love you ******, *******, ******, ******, *******, ******, *********, *****, & *****. You people are the ones who make me want to keep living. Because of you I keep on keeping on.

It's a beautiful time to be here.
It's a beautiful time to be woman.

Accomplishments

Creativity = Education
Education = Creativity

That is the vision.


People care too much about accolades and physical representations of a goal achieved. Materials and all that.

One of my friends was recently telling me how his little brother graduated middle school. You know how they have those end-of-year department awards? Like the math award and the science award.  He didn't win any of them. My friend didn't mention, but to my knowledge it didn't sound like he got any honor roll awards either. Usually when you got those awards, you'd get stuff like pins, ribbons, certificates, and sometimes trophies/statues for some. There were some cool ones ngl, I faintly remember like a gold plastic trophy for whoever got first place in the schoolwide 5k run.

Anyways, I don't think my guy won anything. I'll call him T for now. T's parents were disappointed in him because he didn't win anything. They talked down on him hella, they were telling him how he's an embarrassment to the family. And they were comparing him to the other students that won awards (I hate that shit), saying things like, "Jessica/John won these awards, why couldn't you?"

Obviously, as a parent you want to see your offspring do great things and make you proud. The thing is, though, the parents of that time don't really know how to measure success. Back then they never really questioned societal standards, not as much as today at least. For that reason, the norm of success was considered to be educational achievements. Who got the highest SAT and MAP scores. Who won the Spelling Bee. Who came home with straight A's on their report cards. All that sh*t.

Fun fact/side story, in 4th grade I got 2nd place in the spelling bee. I lost to a 8th grade white dude. Normally I wouldn't mention race in a thing like this but it has to be brought up because my sister said that looking back at it now, the game was rigged and the judges were lowkey racist. I'm not entirely surprised at either of those claims, because my teachers were lowkey racist with me. I don't think on it too much, because I was too young to understand racism at the time, and, as a result, I never felt impacted by the repercussions I was hit with due to my race.

Disclaimer: Not all of my teachers were racist, but a lot of them were. Every single teacher I had was white, except for my math teacher and Spanish teachers who were both Latino/a.

All 3-4 judges of the spelling bee were white women. So obviously there weren't tryna let a young king get his shine. On a more serious note, do you know how embarrassing it would've looked if a 4th grader brown kid beat an 8th grade white dude in the schoolwide spelling bee? It would've tarnished their image. That's why they gave me some hard ass words bruh. I don't remember the most of my words, but I remember the final 2 rounds between us. It was like triple overtime, and my word was disturbia. Like wtf!!! I didn't even know what that was man! I got very lucky cause I just spelled "disturb" and added an "ia" at the end. I remember some moms giving me a standing ovation for that, so I felt pretty gassed up ngl. The judges were astounded, and with reason.

The 8th grader went up next, and you wanna know what word they gave him? Tutu. Fucking tutu. T-u-t-u. Man I swear to God. Like I said I don't care about it now but it was pretty cheese looking back at it now.

The next (and final) round I got dropped off. They gave me "antonym". I knew the word, don't get me wrong, I just choked pretty hard. It must've been jitters or something, because I still have no idea how I f*cked that one up. I spelled it as "antynom", I don't know why I swapped the "Y" and "O" but it was just one of those moments.

The judges said they'll give the other dude another word, and if he gets wrong, I'm still alive and in the game. However, if he got it right, that's GG.

You won't believe what word they gave him.







Chocolate.

Every kid's second nature at a middle-school age.


Obviously the 8th grader fled through that word with ease, and just like that he got the W. Looking back at it now, I have to keep stressing that I don't care about losing today(it was a story worth telling), but tell me this: "Disturbia" & "Antonym" versus "Tutu" & "Chocolate". Which is the harder duo of words? And to drop them off on a 4th grade brown kid to prevent him from beating an 8th grade white kid in a predominantly white school? There are too many layers on this, I'm just saying. I rest my case.

Very long tangent, but I digress.

Going back to T, after the verbal abuse his parents dropped on the middle school grad, he cried hella and he's been very sad about it. Y'all don't gotta worry though, my friend talked with him and taught him that grades don't define you. Not to mention, middle school grades literally don't even matter at all, and don't affect anything. I had pretty good grades in middle school because I was a lowkey tryhard, but none of it impacted anything because none of my freshmen classes had middle school prerequisites. I remember my high school guidance counselor (nice and amazing ass dude, he's ahead of his time. He deserves so much and is probably one of the purest people I know. He cares so much about people, even students that aren't his own, and people that will do nothing for him in the future. He was so kind to me and never forced anything, only suggested with my consent. Great ass man. I wonder if he'll ever read this.) told me that despite what my grades are at school, I can ultimately choose if I wanted to take regular or honors classes. It didn't matter if I had a D in Spanish (I didn't btw, just giving an example. I had an A+ so what's good?), if I felt that I was well prepared enough for Honors Spanish, I could make that move. That was one of the earliest moves of liberation in my educational career, and it was an important moment to have. It was a great and ironic foreshadowing of high school.

It's important to remember that T wasn't crying because he didn't win a department award or make honor roll. T was crying because of the unneeded verbal assault his parents had laid down on him. Going back to what I was saying earlier, parents of the last generation didn't know how to measure success and worth other than educational accomplishment. That's why if you didn't accomplish anything educationally, or if you excelled in something outside of education, it often didn't mean much to parents. Prodigies and athletically gifted children were often exceptions to this group, and there were very rare occasions. The average middleschooler isn't a god at the guitar, or isn't a 7-foot phenom in 7th grade basketball. Like I said, rarities.

Because T didn't receive recognition for performing well in school, because of that he was belittled by his parents. But there are a lot of factors that must have played a part in him not exceeding in school, and those factors need to be looked into by parents. I won't go into those factors because that's way too long of a write, and I don't have much time at the moment; I'm watching Antman 2 with Adrian and Flex in about an hour 15.

I hope that the parents of the future aren't as strict as they are about doing good in middle school, because honestly middle school is so irrelevant. Assuming that the parents of the next generation do care about education, however, instead of parents asking "Why didn't my child accomplish as well as I had wanted them to?", they should be asking, "What could I have done to have aided my child, what wasn't I doing to help them excel, and what can I do from now on going forward to ensure that this doesn't happen/ my child can succeed next time?" Parents put too much blame on children; however, a lot of a child's actions often stems back to the parents. And a lot of the time there aren't two parents to help. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a parent. It must be really scary. But also really exciting. If I ever be a dad, I promise that I would put 100% of my dreams and visions aside to tend for my kid. Because once I take on the role of a father, my kid's dreams and visions become my dreams and visions. I'm only 19 right now writing this. I don't know when I'm gonna be a father. I don't know if I'm even gonna be a father. But I do want to. Because I want the image of fathers to change. I want to change the image of fathers. I want the image of parents to change.

We're becoming too accustomed to the culture of daddy issue girls and motherless boys to be the norm. We have to step up. There's no point in dwelling on the past and repeating history just because you experienced it. We have to set the example.

A child's educational accomplishments doesn't define him. Teach the future generations what is important, at a young age. Love is important.  Presence is important. Desire is important. Change is important. Change is constant, which is why we need to put it in a positive light. Light is important, positivity is important. Darkness is important, negativity is important. Time is important, space is important. Energy is important. Culture is important. Education is important. Creativity is important too. Math and Science may not be important to all, but they are still important. Writing may not be important to all, but it is still important. Theatre may not be important to all, but it is still important.

We can't teach subjective importance. Yes, it's okay to dislike. disregard, dismiss, and overall not care about something, but it's important to recognize, acknowledge and still respect it. I disagree with a lot of people. I'm not gonna tell a conservative they're wrong. We're fortunate to have free speech. Hate speech is a whole other thing, I'd have to talk about that another day. But it's important to not be triggered if someone disagrees with you. That's why the entire image of feminism is diminished. The entire idea and concept of equality is great, and logically speaking everyone would agree with it. However, when blue-haired bitches start getting offended the second someone disagrees with them, they lose their credibility as they let their feelings get in the way. You can't find facts with feelings. You have to find common ground, a medium. That's why people make fun of feminism, it's poorly represented in the media. I am a feminist. But I'm not like these other feminists. I'm not gonna start attacking and verbally assaulting someone the second they don't believe in my beliefs. Even if I think my beliefs are right. Because in their head, their beliefs are right too and completely make sense to them. To them. We're all in our own bubbles. We have to break out and find the common ground.

My beliefs may change in the future. I'm only 19. Things will change, that's a given. I just hope I can teach these things to my future children and be a good influence on them. Whatever "good" means anyways, because my "good" is someone else's "bad". I want to be there, though. I don't want my kid to say "I don't have a father". I don't know what would be of me if I didn't have a dad.

Creativity = Education
Education = Creativity

That is the vision.

People just watch, they always watch

I think so much about trying to say the right thing, but I often end up saying nothing at all

It's weird, because I'm not even listening to my own sayings. I always tell myself "I don't wanna say nothing wrong, but it'd be wrong if I ain't say nothing" (word to ye).

But recently I haven't been saying anything, period. I've kept to myself a lot recently, very very reclusive. And there's nothing wrong with that I'd much rather be by myself than with other people.

Maybe I need to listen to myself more. Or maybe I need to change myself more. Not that there's a correlation between the two. But that's where I'm at right now.

People watch. People just watch and that's it. It's so fucking annoying. And that's why I hate social media. Like people just see what I'm doing and say nothing. Especially it's people that I don't even think about much. Y'all could be doing so many better things, but you're taking time out of your life to peep what I'm doing. ???

I'm not bothered by it, because I've gotten used to it. People will always continue to watch me, I don't know why but it's always been like that.

I don't wanna say I'd rather have no one looking than too many people looking. With that logic, I'd rather have no friends than any friends, and that's not true. I need people. People don't energize me like extroverts, but I need important people in my life that I know I can rely on. And I'm fortunate to have that.

Although I can easily ghost the world and have no one watch me, I know people need me. It's very weird, people that I don't even know like that need me. I'm not complaining. Because everyone's somebody's somebody. And if I can be that somebody for somebody, then I'm truly grateful, and it means a lot.

A lot of the people who just watch will be watching this because of my own decision, as I choose to post this. Don't let the watchers influence your decisions. Make moves how you want to. And if you feel that you want to show some aspect of yourself to the world, then by all means do so. You're not obligated to impress anyone. Because even if you do try to flex on social media, chances are people won't care. They'll probably watch. They always watch.

Give your time and energy to people who CARE. If you have someone who legitimately gives a fuck about you, give them 100%, because it's a very rare thing to happen in your life. I just got really lucky to have 3-5 real ones around me. Shootout BRNSQD. I know everyone's not gonna be as lucky as me. But don't lose patience or faith, because there's no such thing as luck. Everything that's meant to happen will happen with time.

Shower head crying on my bones

Shoutout Jennie kim

Tokyo ghoul

Damn, so much has ended in 2018 alone. I don't have to go into it, y'all already know. I'm talking about Tokyo Ghoul rn.

I'm not even gonna lie, I literally just got into TG, like the first quarter of 2018; I remember Jeremy was watching its trailers in like 2014 or something, and trying to put me on. The only animes I've ever watched are like DragonBall, pokemon, yugioh, zatch bell, and tales of the abyss. All the mainstream shit. The only mangas I've read are yugioh and kingdom hearts. I don't really put too much time into them.

I will say though, when Jeremy was showing me the trailers of like when kaneki was trying to eat real food, and getting jumped by Rize, I did admit that it was pretty cool, and I gave it its props. Usually whenever Jeremy shows me some new anime, I think it's wack and I don't pay any attention to it. This was the first one that I admitted was interesting. But like I said, I gave it some respect points and continued to move on in my life.

4 years later, I finally got into it. For some reason I got into the Manga side of YouTube (I wasn't even watching anything anime related, idk how it happened. God's plan?), and I saw a video of kaneki vs arima in the Manga. I started watching it, and mind you, I had no idea what was going on, but Damn that song was amazing. It was a cover of tokyo ghouls OP, and it was made by some dope guy named Animenz. Of course that would lead me to watch the actual OP.

Now y'all know I like aesthetically pleasing stuff. I like visuals that are enjoyable to look at.

Come on y'all, you can't tell me that's not fire!!! Man, the song is so good too.

I just had to make a post in homage to this manga/anime. I don't often get into stuff like this, but reading the entire manga was so worth it. I literally got an e-reader just so I can get scanlated versions of Tokyo Ghoul: Re, which isn't gonna get official American releases til later in 2018. And ain't nobody got time for that.

I didn't watch Season 2 (Root A) because I heard it wasn't canon. And I only wanted to see manga depictions in the anime, just because the anime was that good. Fortunately, Adrian took the fall for me and watched it, and like expected, he said it was trash.


Tokyo Ghoul: Re was really good too. The manga, that is. Season 1 of it was embarrassing, and I can't wait to see Studio Pierrot ruin season 2 of it again. It's so disappointing because I think they're the same people animating Boruto, and I bet that's where all of their effort and time is going. Because TG isn't as big as Naruto and company.

However, I did hear that Japan's getting a ps4 Tokyo Ghoul later this year. I wonder if it'll ever drop in US. I hope.

Side note, it's so weird knowing that X isn't with us in this world anymore. Such an eerie feeling.

i expect someone to disagree with this.

i've always been under the belief that i should just be myself, and know that that's good enough. but today i realized this isn't true. it's a lot deeper than that. instead of just being yourself straight up and leaving others in discomfort, while that sounds like a liberating thing to do, it's a very selfish move to make. i understand that people need to be taken out of their comfort zone to adapt, but this isn't necessarily the only route to take. i'm not talking about lgbtq+, so i don't want y'all to start bitching at me about that, because this isn't about them.

i feel like instead of just being yourself and knowing that that's good enough, i think we need to be able to prove to others, as well as yourself, that yourself is worth it and deserves to be. because not everyone's self is worthy of striving in the world. like terrorists for example.

if you want to be yourself in the world and profit and thrive off of it, you need to prove to everyone that you deserve your shine, and that you deserve to be yourself.

we are all worthy, but at the same time we are not.