2018: Looking Back but Headed Forward

Too slow for the rest of my people
But too fast to get up myself


That's a line for one of the things I'm writing. It kind of reflects my year with 2018. 2018 was a wild year, man. Quite the polarizing one if I do say so myself. So much stuff happened too, and I don't know if I'll be able to describe all of it in this take. Once again, another revolving theme in my life - I always feel like there's so much more to say, and so I always feel like I'm never saying enough, never doing enough.

Also, before I continue, I know Anthony and Sarah's birthdays were a few days ago and I didn't tell them happy birthday. I don't feel bad about it because I know they're both doing good in life and they don't need my cosign, but it was still something worth mentioning, so shoutout to them. Though I wonder if either of them would want to be placed in the same category with one another. But I digress.

I've been sitting here thinking about how to start this. So I'll start with the beginning of the year. I deleted all of my social media presence and ghosted the world until my birthday. I didn't like anything about myself and I had to start everything over, with no eyes on me. There were plenty of people who remembered me during my first semester @ UIC, but here I was with no hair and no sense of myself. I lost all of my identity because of a breakdown that occurred in the end of December.

January 25, one of the few selfies I took in the beginning of the year. I hated looking at myself. My head was shaven and I had to get really bad glasses because my dad didn't have enough money at the time to get the glasses I wanted. This was one of the earliest indications that I knew I was gonna get a job to buy for myself whatever I wanted. 

I felt super lost, confused and insecure during this time. I know they say appearance doesn't matter and confidence is key, but so much of my confidence came with my hair and my aviator glasses. If you look closely I also had a couple of acne blemishes on my forehead back then because of stress. They're gone now, but throughout the month of January, I never took this hood face mask thing off. I didn't want anyone to see my face and see who I was or what I was like. Y'all can see me in my professor's tweet around 15 seconds into the video. Literally everyone in that class knew me as the kid with the mask. I didn't take it off at all, until I got new glasses in March, but I'll get into that later.

January 27 - even when I hung out with my friends (which still wasn't very often), I wore the mask.

February 16 - this was the BH concert in Milwaukee. I got tickets for Roland's birthday. It was the first time he saw me in a while and asked a lot of questions.

March 18 - Richmond's birthday, the first selfie I took since the previous one above. This is not the most generous photo of me, as the big nose pimple is right in the middle of my face (I was sooooooo insecure of that pimple) and I had a very weak beard. I had not shaven it once the entire year. I was on a "IDGAF" mode and since I had the mask on the entire time no one would've noticed.

But this was a slow beginning to the return. Though it wasn't much, the slight hair growth and new glasses was the return of me. 

Easter - wow, me and my brother really switched up the wave by the end of the year. We glew up. Well actually, my brother's never not glown, so I glew up. 

The first three months of 2018 were long as hell for me. I didn't talk to anyone outside my family / close friends, I didn't play PS4 during that time, I just remained by myself that entire. While I always prefer being alone and am always content with it, in the first quarter of 2018 I felt lonely. I did read the entirety of Tokyo Ghoul and Re though. I had so much free time. I remembered 9 was clowning me cause I skipped classes just to finish reading it.

Following my birthday, I made the return to IG and Snapchat. I began talking to my friends again and was more social. While I still didn't feel like myself, I knew that I was headed in the right direction. For a hot minute, I felt like Luke from Tales of the Abyss when he cut his hair.

I started smiling again. In the time I was gone, I cut everybody off, including the people that cared about me. After beginning to relearn that I did matter and that I was important, I started to have a more positive outlook on like, and that radiance reflected through my appearance. I was glad to once again post up in pictures. I was slowly getting back on my cute sh*t!

 

April 28, Les Mis and Avengers 4, a lot of that month went by casually. I liked these selfies I took, I was kind of gassed up no lie.

May 15 - This day was really fun, we posted up at the MCA because free entry. You can't turn that down. I had a really fun time because I took some funny pictures of 9.

September 11 - I took that on the day of some Urban Studies project. It was really just a hair update.

 September 24 - When I got myself together finally, and decided to leave social media once more. I started to understand things again.

October 5- The day Jason Van Dyke was found guilty, me and Haseeb pulled up to City Hall that night. It was a monumental day in history, the police officers were nice enough to let us go inside and take some pics despite City Hall being closed. I had to be there the day it happened, I almost started crying in my English class when I was watching off of Alex's phone when they found him guilty.

October 12 - We got Matthew to eat sushi with us, something he despises! Although, it doesn't help that he ordered the nastiest sushi on the menu, so I don't think he's ever gonna come with us again. 

November 4 - I finally came back to social media!

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If you noticed, there are a lot of empty spots in that "timeline". That's because this was one of the first times then I stopped posting impulsively to social media, just to have something posted. A lot of people knew of Izeezus and of me because of my consistent social media presence. Whether it was Instagram feeds and music posts or Snapchat rants in an attempt to inspire people, I felt like I had to keep that image for such a long time to maintain my relevancy. At some point along the way I realized that relevancy doesn't matter; as long as my authenticity was in check, the real friends and the real ones would remain through it all. I left all of my group chats too, it's just an energy that I'm not able to keep up with.

I remember the month of March being really awesome. March is generally a good month every year because that's when my birthday is so I'm always on some positive vibes. This year it was just a lot of fun because of the Black Panther craze. I went to the Field Museum for a school assignment, I cleaned myself up for my birthday, got new glasses, went on a birthday brunch with Adrian and Matthew (who currently holds one of the ugliest photos of me), Clark County's YooHoo commercial dropped, I went to Stephanie's opera performance, and probably more stuff that I forgot about. 

Stephanie's a good person and now that she's on my mind I'm thinking about other high school friends as I write this. Something a lot of people suffer from is comparing themselves to another. Whether it's accomplishments they've achieved within their first 1.5 years of college, or simply even what their college experience is like so far, I wouldn't be surprised if people would see them and be upset with where they are. Fortunately, I've never worried about that, and I do have to reiterate that I'm fortunate that I've never worried about that. The closest I've seen is my rich friends living lavishly in California (where I want to be at in the future), and I think, "Damn, imagine if I was in California right now away from everyone." But I'm really privileged to be where I'm at right now. The resources around me are too good to me currently, and I don't know if I'm ready to leave everything behind just like that. I feel like OCC kids compare themselves to other students who are dorming at some nice rich university, and I wish these circumstances weren't the case, because of the social stigma OCC has today, overthinking is quite a downfall, and it's really wack in my opinion. So many people are drowning themselves in thousands of dollars in debt just for a "college experience". But this is all overthinking on my part as well. 

I really hope Roland knows what he wants to do. He doesn't really take anything seriously and he keeps focusing on the wrong things. One can argue that it's his life and he knows what's good and bad for him, but I constantly see him influenced by objectively negative things. And as his friend I have to speak up and tell him against these things, even if he doesn't listen. 

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You don't need me to let you know about the deaths that occurred in 2018. Legends like Stan Lee and Stephen Hillenburg and so many more lost their lives this year, but one that really impacted me (most of y'all already know who's upcoming) was the death of XXXTentacion. I made a whole tribute post on Facebook about it, and I really recommend that you read it, I wrote it in a way that would hopefully change your perspective on it.

His passing was one of the few times I cried this year. Like actual bawling and tears and everything. I know there are a bunch of girls reading this and rolling their eyes at me but his music impacted me a lot and for that I'm grateful to him. I'm sure I have some discovery bias to him, as I used to listen to him way before he blew up. I remember putting all my friends on him. There was a really funny time in Master's Choir when Look At Me was slowly rising, and me and my friends got people in the class to listen to the first 10 seconds of the song on full bass boost. We got some funny ass reactions from it. However, this isn't an XXX tribute post, this is a year review and I needed to mention him.

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I felt like this year was the year of fake woke people and mental health.

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I really enjoyed the music that dropped this year. 2018 was a polarizing year for hip-hop, with several artists passing and the influx of good music (no pun intended). KSG, Negro Swan, TA13OO, Astroworld, and many more. Outside of hip-hop I did decide to give KPOP a chance and now I'm absolutely obsessed with Blackpink. When they dropped "AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST" last year, I was like "Aww, this is cute as hell!" Then when I heard "DDU-DU DDU-DU", I realized they weren't playing games. They really pulled up with a bedazzled tank in the music video! I'm so obsessed with BP that I follow like 3 Lalisa fanpages on Instagram now, she's the dopest and most versatile member in my opinion. But for the most part I enjoyed the year. Of course there were some L's, like 6ix9ine's antics that finally landed him in jail, Rocky's disappointing ass TESTING, the Ameer Vann controversy (I met Brockhampton this year so that was cool too!), big flops like Queen and EVERYTHING IS LOVE (both of their fanbases are delusional stans who idolize their respective artists and disregard any valid criticisms towards their saviors), and the unfortunate amount of L's that Ariana Grande took this year. "Thank u, next" is a banger but Ariana Grande is still annoying as hell and I don't really care for her. I do admire her strength, courage and resilience though. To able to overcome all that she went through and drop a #1 hit is pretty outstanding, she got my respect and cosign for that. I wasn't very fond of "This is America" but I'm happy that CG was able to drop a #1 hit. I really like "Feels Like Summer" and its video though. And shout out Ludwig Goransson for doing the score for Black Panther, that was wild. 

Also, Frank Ocean will always be Frank Ocean. When he dropped the CDQ of Endless it was over for these hoes. I really be listening to too much of Blonde and Endless. 

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Oh my god Spiderverse!!! Sunflower!!! Spiderverse!!!!

(In all seriousness I've had Sunflower on loop for the majority of writing this, major props to that song it's one of my faves)

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The whole Kanye x Trump situation collab had so many L's on it. It's actually kind of interesting. A bunch of my conservative followers told me they like my account because I'm never posting political stuff. It's probably cause they hate seeing people get mad at their president on social media all the time. Social media is primarily liberal, anyways. But just because I didn't really post about Trump doesn't mean I don't have any thoughts on him. He's still a really dumb president and he's not for the people. Kanye cosigning him was a huge L too, everyone was on Kanye's ass and it was really hard to defend him. As a Kanye fan, it was quite embarrassing for me to see someone I admire so much just switch up on me like that. And like I said it was really hard to defend him, in all of my classes I had to pull all the strings just to prove to people that I wasn't a delusional stan, and that Kanye's going through some real sh*t. People always forget that he's going through a bunch of mental health issues, and while that doesn't exactly excuse him for literally hugging the president, we can't take it out of the equation. 

He still made really good music though.

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This year I started working at Dollar Tree. It's honestly been one of the best things to happen to me in 2018. It's a well-paying job, super flexible hours, all the employees are chill (there's no one my age except for Adrian who I put on) and it's right by my house. It's a less than 5 minute drive, and in the summer I walked there just because I could (weird flex but ok). I remember it was like my second week and they asked if I'm down to do some overnight shifts, because they were rearranging the entire store and they needed help moving all the items around. The first night I rearranged all the gift bags and had to separate them based on occasion. A hot caramel DD coffee really came in clutch for me that night. It was really fun because no one cared if you were on your phone because there was no one to disturb, as we're all working together, so I was on aux duty. Of course I played some good ass music, but I played a lot of accessible stuff like SZA so everyone wouldn't get weirded out by me; keep in mind that this was a lot of people's near-first impression on me. At some point in that night I video-called Adrian who was unable to sleep (he didn't work at Dollar Tree in the summer, he only got put on sometime during the Fall semester of school), he was talking about how he was unsure about what career he wanted to pursue. Up until that point he was considering being an orthodontist, but lowkey both us knew that that wasn't gonna be the move. Ultimately I think he decided on something in the engineering area, and to my knowledge he's still pursuing that so I'm happy that conversation somewhat led him in a direction.

It's been half a year at Dollar Tree, and I don't plan leaving anytime soon. I still commute to school and I worked on the weekends so it worked out good. Dollar Tree is moving to a new location at the end of January so I'm excited to see the change. I'm a cashier there and every now and then I "recover" the store, meaning I make it look nice and put misplaced items back where they belong. Since it's at a local location I'm always seeing people that I know there so there are often pleasant surprises pretty much every day I go there.

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I guess I gotta add some obligatory shoutouts here, because if you didn't think that you might've gotten mentioned in this, why would you be reading this? Do you actually value the things I have to say and are genuinely reading this out of curiosity and with no expectations? Lmao imagine. But if there are actually any of y'all like that that I don't really know, I can't think of much to say other than thank you.

Adrian - That's the boy and my best friend, without him I really wouldn't be here, like alive literally. He's by my side since literal day 1 and literally during school which is quite the blessing. Really keeps me grounded and indirectly teaches me compassion on a daily basis. Though he's really uninformed about so many things, as he teaches me things it's only fair for me to teach him about a bunch of stuff as well.

9 - He's tall as hell and I love him. I like to cuddle with him a lot. He's really tall and big and cute. He put me on Jojo and I've only watched 6 episodes but I really do appreciate him. He's my favorite person to annoy because he puts up with my bullsh*t all the time, and he appreciates video games and memes like I do. I always hug him and I like him a lot. I feel grateful that I have friends like him and Adrian that deal with me and tolerate my presence.

Javi - The big. There's a lot within his complex that is at unrest, but he continues to learn more about the world and himself every day. The self-proclaimed bodyguard, he does anything and everything to ensure the well-being of me and the boys. Though he's annoying and clingy at times, I know it's out of worry and care for us. He needs us just as much as we need him, despite neither of the two groups realizing it. While he boasts physicality as his selling point, I anticipate that 2019 brings on a deeper focus of mentality in his life.

Matthew - I love Matthewman. Just like 9, he's big and tall as hell and I love to cuddle with him. He's always busy with his girlfriend and school and Best Buy and Noodles & Company and Ignite Gaming so I never see him but whenever I do I never take it for granted. Although recently in winter break I was playing Mario Party with the boys on Matthew's new Nintendo Switch, which is a godsend. I hope he continues to find happiness through his girlfriend, since that seems to be a non-toxic relationship so far. She doesn't do any drugs so I'm support of her for that.

Zach - Shoutout 3. No one gets my Kingdom Hearts love like he does. He also appreciates sushi.

Dan  - My #1 source of life. Ok.

Osama - Didn't really connect with him much this year as I quit all my group chats and he's super busy making internship and engineering moves, but I'm sure he's doing well. I hope his mental health is at a good state. He deals with a lot of bullsh*t and I feel bad about it, I can only hope that he can manifest that into something positive.

Haseeb - I didn't even know Haseeb goes to the same school as me, which was funny as hell to me for some reason. Whenever I see him I just start laughing. He's the biggest LeBron stan I know so I gotta respect him for that.

Roland - He's busy with life and being a senior and being dumb as hell so I'll let him do him. I'm not really fond of the lifestyle that he's living right now cause he's very deaf to the important things around him. I can literally say whatever I want about him here because I know he'll never read it. I still love him though. One of the few people I know who currently has endless potential. I really hope he gets it all together and snaps one time for the one time. I hate saying that someone makes me proud, but Roland is one of the few people that I'm proud of. Love the boy. But he's falling off right now.

Alex - She's my literal college best friend. We purposely scheduled our classes so we could be together and it was one of the best decisions of 2018 because I really wouldn't have been able to tolerate the semester if it weren't for her. She really carried me in the 3 classes we had together. I love her a lot and it's pretty upsetting that we have no classes together next semester but I know it's not the end of our friendship. She's too important in my life for me to leave her behind in 2018.

Anthony - We don't connect much but it's nothing but love. A lot of people hate on him for the wrong reasons. He definitely has reasons to be hated on but people look at the wrong side of things. With that said, he has too much talent for me not to keep an eye on him. I don't really believe in Acting and theatre degrees and all that but I trust in whatever he's doing because if anyone knows what the move is, it's him.

Richmond - Shoutout Richmond for obvious reasons.

Julia - Shoutout Julia for obvious reasons.

Grace - One of my favorite people to talk to. We have absolutely nothing in common so perhaps that's why I'm so attracted to her. Everything she does is presented with a bliss elegance, and everything I've seen her pull off is strikingly executed. I only saw her for a split second once this year but maybe that's for a good reason, although I'd hope it's not. For now I guess I'll admire her from afar, although I know that the love is always mutual.

Stephanie - She's on a wave that I don't understand, similar to Grace. She has genuine, good intentions and creative endeavors that I'm willing to support. Her dad's pretty cool so that's probably subconsciously giving me a bias towards her. Regardless, I might be giving her too much credit but I'm sure that there's a lot more to her that none of us know about, and who knows, maybe she'll unleash it in 2019?

Jacki - I hungout with one of my first best friends ever this summer!!! My literal first best friend. Wow. I wouldn't be the same without her, she's really the reason why I grew to be very outspoken. Too much admiration and love for her. Her family's too dope as well, I love her dad. I love her. Too much. Shoutout Nothingman.

Kenan - I always take credit for whatever Kenan accomplishes just cause I cast him in Director's Studio. So your welcome, Kenan. I birthed you. He has a crazy future and a skillset I wish I had. Also at the time of this publication he has a healthy relationship with Leah so as long as they're happy, I'm straight.

Allison - I never really understood the relationship I have with Allison. It's a really weird one, and I honestly can't even figure out if she's reading this blog. She's on that "I don't like any of your pictures but I'm always peeping your Instagram story" level. I don't really know how to interpret that but I still like her. She's super super pretty, and I respect her resilience towards a lot of things. Once she taps into her true dancing form it'll be an exciting sight to see. I wonder if it'll ever awaken though.

Shannon - She told me that at Coffeehouse that she reads my blog posts so I'm very grateful for that one. I love her a lot and I wish I had a friend like her throughout my high school career. She's everything I'd want as a friend. The day I met Demetrious Harmon, she was performing at Millenium Park that day, and I coincidentally saw Roland getting flowers for her on my way home. I ended up watching it with Roland and she snapped. She's more than just a dancer though, I'm certain. While I've never pieced apart her mind, I feel like her mind's just a ticking time bomb full of thoughts that need to be expressed. I really hope she expresses them at some point, without doing so she's not gonna reach her prime. She's too versatile of a person that it'd be a shame for her to not reach her prime. She's a pretty wise person for her age, and definitely one of the wisest in the room. I'm excited to see her as Ariel in The Little Mermaid this Spring, what a way to end your senior year.

Aaron - Very very smart for his age. Don't know much about him and honestly not sure how much more I'm going to know him but he gets a lot of things, and it's crazy that he knows so much as a sophomore. I wish I was as self-aware as he is as a sophomore. Endless potential, he'll really carry NWTheatre in the future. He understands the Izeezus vision so for that I'm eternally grateful for him.

Maddy - Didn't really connect with her much this year either but I still acknowledge her existence. She's drowning in school stuff but she's growing to be a very composed and poised female so I'm not worried for her.

Safiyah - She has a lot going on that I don't know much about, but she knows the difference between real and fake, which is an important distinction to realize. I'm happy that she gets it. She oozes realness.

Tati - Out of all her contemporaries, it's her mind that I'm obsessed with the most. It's a vision that I don't get but want to. Hopefully I'll get a chance to in 2019 but I'm very content with not knowing much.

Jenny - I really don't deserve to be her friend, that's all. I don't know why or how I am but I'm not complaining, she's a girl that I never thought I'd be friends with. She's gang since I was a youngin though, if I ever blow up and she asked for free tickets, I wouldn't hesitate to give them to her.

Chester - I love you and I'm sorry for not being able to hang out with you. That was a big L on my part. Too much wisdom coming from you. Thank you for disagreeing with me on so many things, I learn so much from you.

Courtney - She supports me and she's so pretty so of course I gotta give her a shoutout! I like her music tastes (for the most part).

Nancy - I saw her when I went to go vote. She's too legit, big W's to Alec. Yet she still boasts her independence, she doesn't let that relationship overshadow her identity and who she is. She knows who she is, what she is, and what she's going for. She's way more put together than I am so I gotta admire her for that one.

Casey - Not sure how it happened but I somewhat became acquainted to her this year and I don't regret it. She continues to radiate positivity and has made herself somewhat of a beacon. I have to respect like that, even if I don't f*ck with a lot of it.

Luke - My cousin, he's on a wave that most don't get. I really hope he's able to realize his vision, I know that he has an undying desire to express something, but just can't put it together just yet. I hope 2019 is his year, he's my blood so I trust that he can curate something of quality and something that he's proud of. I love you G.

Matt - I love this Asian man. He truly is a man. With the trademark symbol and everything. He knows Tokyo Ghoul so he's already a real one in my eyes. I love him so much and he does deserve a lot more than he knows. Shoutout NASA.

David - A vision that I do not understand at all, David dropped some Soundcloud music this year and went all "misunderstood visionary" on us. I f*ck with him most definitely, but I hope he's able to relay his message on a more accessible level this upcoming year. I don't get anything that he's expressing right now, but I can sense the feeling of urgency within him. There's something that needs to be said, and I hope he surrounds himself with the right people in order to do so.

Renee - She's like my brother's best friend and I appreciate her. My brother really is blessed to have a friend like her.

Alissa - She's bad as hell and I love her family. Not really much more for me to say. She's happy with a boyfriend and getting lit at college outings. As long as she's happy, I guess. I like her enough to give her a shoutout though.

Ms. Rossa - I know she's proud of me from afar.

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I'm a few minutes away from 2019 as I write this. I'm sitting by myself with a Green River to my right on an empty second floor. My parents are in India and my brother and sister are out partying. Yet, this is a presence I'm content with. I always enjoy being by myself, I always have. I'm not lonely, but alone. And I'm okay with that. I really learned to embrace my solitude this year, and I always prefer to be by myself now.

A lot of me is still the same. I still don't drink, smoke or do any drugs. This is probably why I always get outcasted from a lot of parties. But that's alright, cause I still don't go to parties. I suck at them anyways. As the only sober person in an environment of people who rely on intoxication to have a good time, I'm very comfortable to rather be in my room by myself with my journal or my computer. I'm not shaming anyone who parties or drinks though, y'all do what you want as it's your life. Don't let my dislike for those activities change your judgment for what you enjoy doing.

There's still so much for me and us to grow, you know what I mean? Like, I'M ONLY NINETEEN YEARS OLD. I still have so much to learn, and so much to make. I really want to drop something in 2019, I really hope it works out. I need to reconnect myself with God in 2019, our relationship fell off this year no cap.

I'm a lot more transparent with my flaws now, and I hope I can influence or inspire someone in that sense. You gotta be able to see your L's and bounce back from them. I want to be great but I don't deserve to be great yet. I've helped a lot of people this year but I never made enough time to help myself. I really appreciate so much of what I'm surrounded with.

There's so much for me to say and I never feel like I've said enough. I wish I could just disperse everything into one huge outlet. Instead I share various thoughts on various platforms, and it's never balanced. I hope to fix that in 2019. I haven't touched Snapchat in months, and I'm on Instagram way too much during the day.

It was a wild year but I'm ready to put it behind and head forward into the next year. I don't have a resolution yet, I just plan to improve my lifestyle whenever I get the opportunity. I want to improve my social media presence this year as well, too. I can only communicate with most of y'all through the Internet anyways, so I want to carry myself in a manner that I'm proud of. I need to learn to take care of myself too. Don't be surprised if I take more social media breaks next year.

Only one minute before 2018 ends so I gotta wrap this up real quick. I hope I can be here in 2019. Thank you all, and I plan to say a lot more next year.

Christmas

Shoutout to my family and friends, Jenny, Julia, the humidifer my aunt got me

There's still so much to do

Abysmaland.

Just watched dWade go at it with his brother lbj one last time.

Wades my favorite player ever no cap, I hope I can him one more time in Chicago, imma see if I can buy tickets

Not that big of a fan of December.

I always feel lonely during Christmas season. It never feels like there's anyone there for me.

Atleast the year ends and it's a new start though.

I've been living in the magic hour for quite a bit now

I wonder if anything will come of it

Richmond's solo on From Eden was one of my favorite echo effect memories

My phones been so dry lately, and I've come to enjoy it

Because I have nothing on my phone to check, I find myself bored and having no choice but to live real life.

As Mr. Sinclair would say, I guess that's a good problem to have.

-I'm sorry I couldn't be there at times

-I'm the unsung hero

-Money will change people

"Have you ever loved someone and never told them how you feel"

Edit: Sorry to whoever asked this, I've had this finished for a long time but I was a bit hesitant to release it. But I realized I really don't care

Hmm. Good question.

I feel that at some point I must have felt feelings 

I actually don't even know how to answer this question tbh. I mean, obviously I never told someone how I feel, it's that I'm unsure if I ever did love someone like that. Because I consider myself a somewhat bold and straightforward person. If I really had feelings for someone, I would've legitimately shot my shot asap and I would've let them know how I feel. That's what I'd want from a girl who likes me, at least. No one likes to have their time wasted, I'd rather she just tell me upfront what she wants/doesn't want, and if she even wants anything, you know what I mean? I've never been in a relationship though, so perhaps I'm not the most credible source when discussing my expectations for my future lover. 

Going back to past lovers though, I want to say I did love someone. I think. However (this upcoming statement is a recurring theme in my life), I was probably too focused on myself to even considering having a significant other. I make it sound like I regret that, and trust me, it's pretty annoying when I see all my high school / college friends flexing their ability to hop from bf/gf to another, while I haven't even thought about shooting my shot on anyone. However, I don't regret any of my prioritization decisions in the past. Struggles of self-love are something that I often dealt with, and if anything, I really cared about the people I was in love with by not burdening myself and my problems on them. A lot of love-desperate people tend to latch on to others for love, but real love can't work until you have real love for yourself first. 

I often say this, but I know I would be a terrible boyfriend. And that's for the sole reason that I'm too focused on myself, and what I'm trying to create personally. My creative visions and dreams are something that are super dear to me, and I know that if I had a girlfriend, I would most definitely prioritize myself and what I need first. And that's not what a good boyfriend should do, I acknowledge that. So I'd rather not break anyone's heart and stick to myself until I: 1. Learn to entirely love myself first, all my flaws 2. Complete everything that I want to do on my own.

A couple bars from Childish Gambino's "All The Shine" ring in my head: 

"You with a different girl like each and every fucking night
And kiss her while she’s sleeping and sneak out the front to catch a flight

That’s not life, dude
It's just making up for fucks I missed in high school"

As arrogant as this sounds, I know that if I really tried, I'd be able to pull at least one girl and maintain a very surface level relationship. She'd probably be a really basic girl, but what good would come out of that? I often see some of my friends bragging about hella guys being on them, or a dude's ability to get pretty much any girl he wants. To me, it's not attractive how many people you're able to pull. I don't see love as a game. Granted, I've never dated anyone, but I want anything I get myself into to be real. I don't want to waste my time, and that's why I'm willing to wait for when the time's right. I know I'll find the perfect girl when the moment's right, I'm never gonna go out of my way to find a girl just to have a girl. I'm not on Tinder or any of those dating sites. No disrespect to anyone who uses those though, I know some of y'all are just tryna f*ck and I get that. Do your thing cause y'all know what you're looking for. Remember consent though - get some before you get some. I don't know what I'm looking for at the moment, and to be honest, I don't even think I'm looking period.  

I'mma keep it real with y'all though. There are a lot of times where I want a girlfriend, just like someone to cuddle and intimately chill with! It's a natural human desire and I acknowledge that. Don't get it twisted though, I'm not on that horny sh*t lol. I'm often surrounded by and never talking to very beautiful, intelligent women that I sometimes think, "What if?" But they're often not serious thoughts. Because the last thing real girls in 2018 need is a 5'5 Indian boy in her DM's talking about how much he's in love with her. That's corny af, and I don't want to be seen as that. That's why I often try to establish myself as a real friend instead of a love interest. With all these guys trying to shoot their shots these days, many females don't have straight male real friends. Because often times those straight male real friends are just trying to get closer and closer out of that infamous friend zone. And it usually doesn't work.

My intentions are never to be a real friend just to get out of the friendzone. Shoutout Elisabeth, cause she taught me that you can have purely platonic relationships with friends. To any girl I have deep conversations with, yes, my desire is for you to go deeper into yourself and learn more about yourself through me (and likewise), but never perceive any of that as a tactic to get in your pants. I care more about the growth of the real friends around me than what I want in a relationship. That doesn't matter to me. (Hopefully this doesn't hurt any girls that thought I was in love with them. Sorry! Although, I don't have any female friends like that that would ever consider me as a significant other so fortunately this isn't a problem I have to deal with. I think.)

I know my girlfriend will be raw as hell though!
There will probably be a part 2 on this. But I say that about a lot of posts and they never happen lol.

Thank you for this XXX.

I miss the dude.

I love talking I hate talking

Is there a such thing as mistakes that I should've made?

Someone had to say it

You can't trust a girl who walks with her arms crossed

Lmao

I really cried in the library for like 6 minutes listening to kingdom hearts and tales of the abyss music. some girl asked me if I was alright and I said "nah"

Been on a gradual decline lately... Time to get my life back

I liked this annotation I made so I'mma post it here

"His name will live, brother
No, I got—, I feel hella shitty because it's like, yo'
Like, if I would have known he was so cool
And it's like, yo', if I would have watched interviews sooner, bro', we were so alike
It's unfortunate because it's like, yo', when people die, that's when you're there, you know?
'Cause your remorse kinda makes you check 'em out"


These words ring haunting on several levels.

1: XXXTentacion recorded his verse for “Falling Down” after Lil Peep’s passing. In this audio clip of one of X’s last studio sessions, he is heard reflecting on Peep’s passing. He is first heard celebrating and admitting the impact Peep left on Hip-Hop, engraving himself in Hip-Hop history forever. X further goes on to admit that he never knew him personally, and he never made the opportunity to look into him deeper until after his passing.

Here, X confesses that he admits regret for not diving deeper into Peep’s persona earlier. It was only after Peep’s death that X realized the two were much more alike than he had anticipated. He mourns for the relationship that could’ve been, and while their relationship was unclear, after Peep’s death X was able to relate to and understand Peep’s demons and mindset, as they were similar to his. Both rappers' music revolved around themes of love, mental health, and fighting inner darknesses.


2: In a sense, this can be applied to the casual hip-hop fan / music listener. After XXXTentacion’s passing on June 18, 2018, the late rapper’s music broke several records. Genius has reported on all of these: From reaching a #1 hit on Billboard Top 100 with “SAD!”, to setting a global Spotify record with the same song, it’s safe to say X garnered a much larger following after his death.

These words are symbolic as they can be perceived from the listener’s perspective. Because so many people discovered X after his death, many people see it as unfortunate that they were only able to listen to and appreciate his music after he had passed away. X’s words say it all – so many people looked into his music because he had died, out of an act of remorse.

While not as many cared for the two during their time here, it’s without question that the artists gained plenty of support and love by the music community, and their posthumous collaboration in “Falling Down” will only continue to validate their legacy in the Hip-Hop world.

A weird but crazy thought I had this morning

A lot of children today will be seeing 9/11 footage for the first time in their lives on Instagram... That's insane to think about. To think it happened 17 years ago, I was 2 years old looking at the TV screen confused as fuck while my dad was tearing up with the most worried look on his face. Stay up everyone

"What are your opinions artists teaming up for huge collaborations on songs? It’s been a trend lately (DJ Khaled, Justin Bieber, Chance, Quavo & Calvin Harris, Katy Perry Pharrell, etc.) in my opinion it’s a way to get more attention for songs and possibly let artists who have been in the industry a while and want to attract attention again. Just something I thought was interesting and would like to hear your thoughts"

It's all about marketing, and like you said it garners a lot of traction on songs and for potentially forgotten artists. Everything you said is correct. My favorite example is "I'm The One". Khaled really went in on that one by assembling them, I remember a bunch of people were referring to that cast as the Avengers. Quavo was peaking at that time as the Migos were taking over mainstream hip-hop, Chance is the golden poster boy for rap (very digestible and accessible by listeners, I know so many white people that listened to No Problems once and became a Chance the Rapper fan claiming to "know hip-hop" lol), and any big track with him will do numbers. Justin Bieber, well, he's Justin Bieber. My favorite moment on that track is Weezy's verse; I personally hadn't heard a mainstream hit with him in the longest time, and I was happy to see his face back in the spotlight.

Not that he needs the spotlight, though. He's Lil Wayne. Of course, the clout chasers will clout chase, that's what they do, but we need those kinds of people to balance it all out. We don't deserve that many positive things going for us!

Out of all of those big name collabs, my favorite would most definitely have to be Slide. Of course, the Frank Ocean bias is playing heavy on this one, and there's really not much more that I can say lol. I just love Frank Ocean and he deserves his shine. He does choose to avoid the media though, and I admire that decision. Calvin Harris is a wizard with the production work, and Migos did their thing. Excellent track all around. Now I'm listening to it. So thanks, whoever asked this, for putting me back on because I love this song.

Fun fact, I annotated this line by Quavo in the track on Genius!

https://genius.com/11421273

Blood Orange - Chewing Gum

I swear to God I wanna make videos so bad!!

The Last Day of Summer

Summer 2018. I feel like the pacing of this summer went really well. Usually I'm complaining on whether summer went by too fast or if it was dragging. It was a decent blend of both, for me personally at least. There were times that I wished I could just go back to school and have something to worry about, and then I had several realizations that I no longer have time to do all the things that I want. There's a lot of visions I had in mind that I wanted to make real, that I wasn't able to. I feel like that's a recurring trend in my life. Time always ruins everything. But at the same time, it makes everything perfect. I find myself complaining yet praising about time always. Time is everything. Time is everything.

I remember last year's summer was all about Brockhampton. The best way I could describe Summer 17 was "SATURATION Season". I remember forcing everyone to listen to them, and I, for a hot minute, was legitimately a BH stan. And everyone knows how annoying BH stans, especially when they're proud about it. Especially those Twitter stans. Someone could literally tweet out ":)", and they'd reply with things like "We love a smiling king" or "HGJGJDFGHSKFDHSE". Some lame ish like that. 

2018's been a really good year for music so far. I haven't been able to indulge into everything, just cause there's so much material. Roland's been on my ass cause I still haven't listened to Daytona. I don't rush anything though, I know everything will happen with time. I'm listening to Negro Swan by Blood Orange as I write this reflection. Phenomenal album, I'm currently on Hope as I'm typing this exact sentence.

I'mma keep it real with y'all, Summer 18 was all about my newfound part time job at Dollar Tree. It all started when I had a dream in March that I was working at the Dollar Tree by my house as a cashier. It was so specific, like I remember standing exactly at register 2 as a cashier. It had to have been God's Plan, cause I went to apply there, and guess what, I got my summer job just like that. The one I worked at was pretty much at the border of Chicago Dollar Tree district, so I got paid Chicago's minimum wage, but got the benefits of a suburban Dollar Tree (i.e. you wouldn't have to buy plastic bags at my Dollar Tree). 

Dollar Tree pretty much got in the way of a lot of creative goals I set for myself this summer. I got like 80% of them completed, but I still feel like they're not ready enough to be released to the public. I'm planning to refine them during the school year. Like for example, I made a bunch of music that I have chilling in the Izeezus Archives. Is it conceited if you listen to your own music? I make music that I'd want to listen to, so obviously if my joint's hot, I'm gonna wanna listen to it. 

But I only wanted to release music so long as it had a complementary music video alongside it. And I never really got time for that. It was either a lack of time, or the landscape I desired wasn't apparent at the time I was free. For example. in the beginning of summer, in the first 2 weeks we got hit with a lot of beautiful sunsets and skies. Pink and purple skies alongside reddish-orange suns, it was amazing. And I envisioned Adrian shooting a basketball at the local park in slo-mo with the sky in the backdrop. But literally almost every single time, Adrian and 9 were either asleep or didn't have their phone on them. I was so pissed off about that, considered it happened multiple times this summer. But I'm not butthurt or upset about it, because neither of them are obligated to take part in any of my creative projects, they only do it because they want to or because they want to support me as a friend. Also creative projects are fun, for me at least. It's cool to create a product that I took part in, I'm sure 9 feels like that at times too, considering he's always down to embark on new creative journeys with me. (I've used the word "creative" one too many times in this paragraph) Adrian's not really on that creative visionary wave though, he hates going to The Lab. But I'm not going to go deeper in on Adrian, this isn't a roast session nor a critical analysis on his character. 

That was just one example, I had so many different ideas, and a lot of them were seen in my dreams. I had this one thing that took place in the forest, with Anthony representing light and Roland representing darkness. And then someone was supposed to be the Grim Reaper, but I didn't really think that far. I wanted them two to be in a scene together, but I feel like neither of them would put their hate aside to help me create my vision. I wanna say Anthony would, but you know Roland's on that hate shit. To my knowledge, both of them got bad blood out for each other. I wasn't there to witness the rivalry this past year, but obviously there's some legit tension cause neither of them are on speaking terms. It's sad and embarrassing as fuck honestly. Of course, I don't know all the details, nor what either of them personally did to each other or to others, but imagine the collabs that could've happened with us 3. Under my vision, we could've made this summer a legendary and iconic one. But there's a lot I don't know about them, and I understand that that lack of knowledge is what restricted the trio of us 3 happening. Despite how enlightened I am. I don't care how much hatred they have for each other, and I don't care that they probably don't want me to publicly address this stuff like I just did, but my hope in the future is that I can be the mediator between the 2 and help them bury whatever hatchets they have with each other. When both of them read it I know they'll disagree with a lot of this and maybe even tell me to take this part down, but they don't get it like I do. And I'm not even on my cocky sh*t right now. There are things that I envision, and I know them 2 need to compromise on some level for these destinies to happen. 

Who knows if any of that will ever happen though. Maybe it's all just nonsense to the next person.

The point is that a lot of things didn't happen, when I feel like they should've. But, I must remind myself that the man upstairs knows what should happen, and what shouldn't; He didn't want me to do things that I wanted to, maybe to protect me from something. I won't rush anything.

--- 

I remember the last time I thought about hanging out with people, I told myself that I would try to hang out with as many different people as possible to expand my mind; as I become more self-aware of myself, I changed that philosophy. This year I only hung out with people that care about me, and the other way around. I only hung out with 4 people outside of my regular friendzone, and that's still a lot for me. I don't really invest into those people myself as much as I do others, so of course a lot of it was just surface. And y'all know how I feel about surface level. I don't think that any of my confrontations were "wastes of time", I just feel like I could've been doing more at those moments. And at times I was making the effort, but sometimes the vibe doesn't click with the other person and you two are just constantly never on the same page. It's not really awkward, because you're definitely close enough and genuine with one another to have real and intimate vibes, but simply put, the energy's just not in sync and something seems off. I know someone can relate. Because I always have to remind myself that a lot of us go through the same shit and are going through the same shit, just not everyone talks about it. I speak about my experiences with a slight bit of fear, but with plenty of confidence, in hopes that others can sympathize and realize that they're not alone in their darkness. I'm there with you, believe me I am.

I know a lot of people find discomfort in silence, but I'm indifferent to it. Because people always feel like they need to have something to say - that's not the case. As many thoughts as I have, I'll always appreciate moments of silence with my friends. It's usually when the atmosphere's platonic, there's not much that needs to be said. Simply the presence of each other is enough. I never force any conversation, I hate small talk. I'm not bouta make a basic ass statement just to have a statement. If I have nothing to say or nothing important to contribute, then I'll just remain. Not that everything has to be important, though. That's not the lesson I'm trying to give. I'm always down to have some really stupid conversations because they're funny as hell. Like sometimes when me and Sean talk, literally all we say to each other is "Ay!" And that's it. That'd be the whole conversation, just different variations of "Ay" on repeat. Those kind of dumb memories are what makes this life so special. 

Shoutout Stephanie, Roland, Adrian, Javi, Matthew, 9, Grace, Luke, Anthony, Aaron, Richmond and Julia for being real. Thanks for existing. Obviously there are more people, but those are some people off the top of my head who affected my summer. I told myself I wouldn't drop everyone's name, but don't look at it the wrong way if you're not on this list, because I'm not thinking too much on it.

It's 11PM right now and I'm gonna be in a lecture center in 11 hours. I anticipate that this year I'll enjoy my classes a lot more. I purposely arranged 3 classes in my schedule so I can take them with my new friend Alex, she's really nice and easily my closest friend at college. And I don't even feel like I'm close with her. Shows how reclusive I am. I've only made like 4 friends so far, but I'm not stressing about that. I know the real ones will pull up when it's time.

Shoutout to anyone that supports me, you feel? I'm very blessed to even have someone read this. Without an audience, my voice is useless. My visionary thoughts don't matter if no one's listening. Even if I put something out, there's a chance that no one would peep it. I'm happy that there are 7-10 people that visit this page every other day, it's crazy how I have those analytics. Just the fact that people are waiting to see what I have to say is an honor, and I'm grateful to have people like you caring. Today my guy Andy T pulled up to Dollar Tree, we talked for only like a hot minute but he told me how he was upset that I cancelled my EP hours before it officially dropped. I had my reasons for holding it back, but I realized that there are people out here waiting for me. As Mr. Sinclair would say, "It's a good problem to have". At the end of the day, I'm not gonna drop anything until I'm 100% content with it. I have a lot of projects that are considered "done", but I'm gonna be spending my free time during the school year just refining what I've done. Which is really hard for me to do personally, because I'm always hopping back and forth between different projects and starting several others without not always completely committing and finishing one. It's something I have to work on, and I hope I can learn to focus more this upcoming school year. Because I don't wanna f*ck up my grades, you feel? I'm going hella in debt through loans to be there, I wouldn't want my progress to go to waste. Speaking of finances, I still haven't even completed financial aid (SMH!). I filed the FAFSA when it first dropped, but I can't get my award letter until I first verify my dependency. And there's a whole complicated thing with the IRS but I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about that. Perhaps I've said too much.

There's a lot more that needs to be said. A lot a lot a lot more. My growth is real. I had a breakdown at the end of the year last year, and I ghosted the world for the first quarter of 2018. I came back at my birthday, and despite all the darkness (I still deal with darkness), I'm happy to say I feel happy, after a long time. I feel happy. I haven't told myself that in a few months. I was so messed up a few months ago I shaved my head and I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to be anyone. I wasn't someone. 

Looking back at it now, I was able to see how many people really cared about me. I never got any replies, but I got so many texts and voicemails from people asking if I was okay. It meant a lot, but I didn't want to connect with anyone, because I didn't feel like I was worth it at the time. My presence meant nothing to me at that time in my life, because there was so much going downhill at once, like a bomb.

There are still problems now, a lot of them, that I deal with on the daily. In the real world and inside of my head, there's a lot wrong happening. But I'm grateful to have made important realizations about myself recently. And I will be walking forward with a lot more confidence than before.

I'm at a state where I'm completely aware and in love with my identity. I know exactly who I am, I know what my role is, and I know who I am to others. I can definitely call this a high point in my life. But I don't want to look at it as a peak. I feel like I could go higher. Shoutout Stacey King, cause I wanna go higher.

This is not a peak. This is just the start, hopefully!

I cried a lot and I get a lot of goosebumps, especially now. When Peep died and X died, that shit hurt, man. They really helped me out with a lot of stuff. I literally don't listen to their music anymore, it doesn't feel right to me. Just cause I really knew them like that and it's just not the same. I don't know how to explain it, the contrition is ineffable. A lot of people won't get it, so that is all I want to say on that.

Around this time last year I have 1.5k IQ on Genius. I have 45k+ now and I'm an Editor. My growth is real. Shoutout music. I love music and that's why I'm making it. I don't make it with aspirations to make a big, famous artist. I do it cause I love it and I want something hot for people to relate and listen to. I know when I first release something, a lot of people will see me like, "Oh, so that's what he's doing now in life." But an important lesson for you all: Never cater for those that don't care. Create for those that do.

Another important thing, take a break. I had a lot of time to create product this year, but I haven't released anything. I reflected a lot this year, and creation isn't everything. Not everything you do has to be good enough. I made so many trash songs this year, y'all don't even know. Their asses are staying in the Izeezus Archives, they're never seeing the light of day lmao.

My stomach hurts. There's a lot that I'm putting out right now that I didn't expect to. But you deserve to know. Because through you I'm great. 

There's a lot more that needs to be said. And I'll say it all soon. Hopefully soon. But soon.

Thanks once again for reading. I didn't really talk about summer but I did talk, and hopefully you're able to take something of mine. 

I love you, never forget that. Izeezus out.

It's never gifted, only work

I'm very grateful to have the ability to write. Today was day 1 of the last week of summer. I played basketball with my friends, I was happy. Hopefully I can goto the lab tomorrow

numb. i just want to be heard

Do everything in love expect nothing in return

This is just another thank you post to anyone reading this. Whether you're a watcher, an Izeezus hater, or a random making their way through the internet, thank you. Without you I'm voiceless. I made this because I wanted people to listen to me. The people who really care about me would find themselves on this page, and I'll never be able to express my gratitude towards you. Love

Glad to say I'm at peace.

There is nothing happening my life right now. Nothing good, nothing bad, it's just at a standstill right now. And I love it. I haven't been able to just sit back and relax in a while. Though I know this will not last very long. So I will bathe in this moment. I want to be there for people. But I have to be there for myself first.

Shoutout 3, Matthew, and 3's girlfriend (I respect her too much to namedrop her, idk her well enough to do that)

Tonight I woke my grandma up from a nightmare. I was brushing my teeth bumping Astroworld when I heard her screaming in the other room. I thought I was tweaking but I paused "Can't Say" just to make sure I heard something, and I was indeed correct. I don't remember the last time I woke her up from a nightmare. Last time had to have been when I used to sleep next to her as a kid. She thanked me, I hugged her and let her know that everything's gonna be alright, and not to worry. After all, it's through her that our family has maintained such a religious base, so it's only fair that I teach her back the things that she taught me.

Tonight I remembered that My grandma's life is way more f*cked than I can imagine.

Tonight I also realized that I'm not there for people as much as I say I am. I say I'm always there for people, but am I really? It's been such a long time since I went through an experience like tonight, how much more am I forgetting to check up on?

I'm never doing enough. Either that, or I'm doing too much. And that always seems to be a central problem with me. Balance. That's what I look for.

"I honestly don't feel like I'm included as your real ones and that kinda hurts"

> Keep me high Castrati... Punani fade the stress...

I actually refrained from posting this one, cause I didn't really know how to respond to it. I probably don't still know.

Hey whoever this is, I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. Don't interpret these words as me trying to pity or patronize you in any way; my vision has never intended to contain any form of exclusivity. Any power or influence I have is through you, because if no one's listening, the words I'd have to say would be meaningless. So I thank you, I'm grateful for you.

Although my vision's not to be exclusive, I will admit that I'm somewhat exclusive with my time. I only mainly hang out with only 2-3 people. I've hung out with less than 10 people in total this summer. I'll admit I'm not lenient when it comes to spending time with others, that's a personal flaw of me.

I can't even lie, I've had this on loop for a minute while thinking about what to say next, because I don't know what to say next. So I think it's worth having in this.

I probably didn't answer your question, so I apologize; if this really affects you, I feel like you should message me about it, because it's hard to speak on this from an accessible level. Thanks once again.

I promise you

My vision will be seen by many, and my importance to the world will be realized one day.

Life is good.

There's a lot left to fix, a lot left to do. But life is good.

"Say something you feel is important in 10 words or less"

I'm
Always
Giving
Advice
That's
Easier
Said
Than
Done

"What are your thoughts on the extensive theme of drugs in hip hop? Is it possible you would experiment with drugs considering how influential hip hop is to you?"

This is actually an interesting question, and I appreciate you asking this, so thank you. Drug use has been in Hip-Hop for as long as I can remember, I know it was way before me without a doubt, sometime around the 1980s I believe is when it was first mentioned.

I'd like to disclaim that I have never done any drug at this point in my life. I'm currently 19 years old. A lot of my contemporaries clown me for it, saying I'm a b***h or a p***y for not wanting to indulge. It's just that I know too many people personally whose lives have been destroyed by drugs, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and all that. But this isn't about my personal life and who I know. So I'll bring it back to Hip-Hop.

Some of the most notable drug related deaths in Hip-Hop off the top of my head are Pimp C, Yams, DJ Screw, Peep. Rest in peace to all of them. I don't have to sit here and tell you guys how precious their lives and careers were and how much more their life had in store for them. You all know that. But the fact is is that their lives, although different circumstances, they all ended in the overdosing of a drug. Accidental or Intentional, it still happened through drugs. Rest in peace to all of them once again. I speak with no negative connotation, I have love for all of them, and it is not in my interest to speak ill of the dead. A lot of drug issues can be fixed through rehabilitation and remedies. You can't fix death. That's why I never endorse any kind of drug use. 

I don't blame or fault any of their deaths. I'm writing this on the brink of Demi Lovato's heroin downfall, and one of the interesting things I've seen on Twitter is the response they're giving to her death versus the response they give Peep's death. This is the viral tweet I'm talking about.

I don't blame either of them for doing what they're doing/did. Obviously they're going through some shit. Every single drug addict is going through some shit. And they shouldn't be blamed for getting addicted. 

Again, I'm not supporting drug use. Drugs are fucking stupid and it's a terrible decision to make if you're contemplating on using them for the first time. If you're still thinking about it, hopefully I can somewhat convince you to stop. Because you're better than that and like I said, drugs are fucking stupid and they don't help in the long run. A lot of people tell me they use drugs because they numb the pain. But that pain's only being numbed, it's not being helped for. 

Of course, I've never done drugs so I wouldn't understand how those drugs are halting their pain. And of course, it's a lot easier said than done. It is a lot easier said than done. The #1 advantage that drug users have over me on this topic is their experience and understanding it WAY better than I do. And that sort of brings the credibility factor in this, how legit is my standpoint on something that I've never personally dealt with? I'm just the outside perspective. I've never gone deep into this stuff to know what to say. Perhaps I'd have to go into the drug world first and then out for you all to take my position seriously. Because then I have myself established in the conversation. But I'm going to refrain from that. I'm willing to not have my voice be considered credible in this discussion. Because I want to protect myself. I don't want to fall into drugs. I've seen what it does to people. Maybe my brother can speak on being against drugs and hopefully it'd resonate more than what I've said. After he makes it out the drug world, that is. 

In fact, some of the most important voices in Hip-Hop actually speak against drug use. Shoutout Uzi. There are a lot more but I don't have time to namedrop all of them. I have work in a few. 

Regarding experimenting with them - yes, Hip-Hop is very influential to me, that is true. And with that in mind, Hip-Hop has taught me that, despite its virality, drugs are dangerous and should not be used. A lot of the drug-influenced rap that I listen to contain themes of rappers using the drugs to hide their pain, and often times they warn the listener to not fall in the same trap as them. This kind of music allows a lot of drug users to relate, and it also gives heads ups to listeners like me, who have never done drugs before. Artists' intents aren't to get more people to do drugs (at least the music I listen to); if anything, they want you to stay away from them.

I remember I had a conversation one time with a girl who said she uses drugs for creativity purposes. And she's not entirely wrong - I've listened to so many psychedelic cloud rap songs that could only have been inspired by drugs. Word to Rocky, word to L$D.

But even Rocky knows that you gotta hop off at some points. This is off his verified annotation on Praise the Lord on Genius.

> If it’s 12 months out the year, maybe it’s sporadically a month here, a month there, a month there, three months out the year, I’m not smoking. I don’t know. Sometimes it might be more months than that depending on how I’m feeling. For the past three years, I’ve been off and on. Sometimes I take breaks. You gotta stop smoking when it’s things outside of artistry, and you got administrative shit to handle, or you just got other business inquiries. Sometimes you’ve gotta just be on point for it, and I had the privilege of being in artist form for a long time right now. But sometimes, I even stop smoking when it’s time to focus. Get in my zone. Sometimes you’ve gotta really have a clear head to do that.

For me personally, I don't think I need drugs to be more creative. I consider myself to be a pretty creative person, I don't need to take something to be more woke or have a cooler mind. Maybe it would make me more creative, it probably does to be completely honest. My favorite artists do drugs. Not overdose, but they do do it to chill out and relax. That kind of stuff is maintained, they have people around them making sure it's all in moderation. I don't know if I'd have those kind of people around me.

So I apologize to anyone who was trying to smoke with me. A lot of people tell me I'd be so chill when high. But I guess we won't find out anytime soon what I'd really be like. I care about me, and I don't need to mess around with something unnecessary just to prove myself or to be considered hip out here.

I might make a part 2 on this? But I don't know yet. There's a lot of stuff to figure out first.