The end of an era / the next wave (pt. 1)

Yesterday I watched my high school's last theatrical production of the season, and with that, several seniors' final onstage high school production. I really didn't want to come watch it, because I knew that the show wasn't going to be good, and I don't care much for my high school. Theatre there is quite literally the only aspect of high school which I liked, respect and miss. That, my junior year English teacher, senior year science teacher, and I guess I'd put choir in there as well.

Nonetheless, I had to show out for the seniors, because I care about a lot of them and they're important people in my eyes. Plus, I'd like to think that some of them would be happy/excited/blessed/honored to be in my presence, but who am I to be cocky? I don't wanna be on my cocky sh*t til I do/make something that I'm proud of. Roland obviously played a big role in me coming, because he wanted me to come more than anything, and that's BRNSQD right there, so I gotta support the boy. Same way I'd support Stephanie, Kenan or Adrian. Me coming was important though, because Reezy introduced me to who's expected to be the next member of BRNSQD, the next person to hold it down and keep the vision alive. And it's really exciting because this person is only a freshman, but I'll get into that later.

I came to the show mainly for like 6-7 seniors, but I'm not gonna namedrop them because I'm not entirely acquainted to them, meaning I can't just namedrop them and expect them to be okay with it because I wouldn't know. Like for example, 9's okay with me talking about him right now and he doesn't even know. But that's fam so I know he's chill with it.

The person I'm bouta talk about I respect too much to namedrop without his permission, so let's call him Drake. I call him Drake because I always saw him as the "Drake" of our theatre program. Anyone who knows, knows. (I put on God's Plan to get into the mindset lolll)

I'm copying and pasting this straight out the text I sent him (sorry Bro), it's really too hot of a line to 

not include:

"once again wanted to say congrats on finishing your ********* career, it was a crazy ride I bet, and it was really cool to see u grow along the way. Like it was cool to see because it was initially an accident, but that accident turned into destiny, and like I said earlier, you just continued to run ********* your entire career, quite literally from day 1 too"

For some context, Drake was never planning to join the hs theatre program. We were doing "Shrek: The Musical", and (if my facts are right) after auditions/callbacks, our director was still unable to find someone to play the role of Shrek. Our all-male a capella group had rehearsal that evening, so in an act of desperation, our director just walked into the rehearsal and asked if anyone wanted to audition for the role of Shrek. Drake was a freshman at the time, so like any shooter, the boy shot his shot, and the rest is history. Man's dropped a lead of a musical as his high school theatre debut, as a freshman. Say what you want, give any excuse you have, but you can't deny the scoreboards, and you gotta admit that's a remarkable feat. 

An accident ended up being destiny, theatre took over Drake's life, and that (alongside music) became his number 1 passion. Drake continued to get multiple, often consecutive, leads throughout the various theatrical productions we did. It didn't matter what genre, Drake was always able to secure his bag, and I have hella respect for that. 

Of course when you get your bag you're gonna have hella haters, and so people tried to bring Drake down, whether it was rumors, someone acknowledging that he dickrode some of his superiors, claiming that casting was rigged from the start because the director favors Drake, and anything else you can think of. 

I'm gonna say which of those I think is true, which I know are true, or if any are true. That's not for me to speak on. I will say that I think he looks up to the wrong people. I'm not saying they're bad influences, but they're not the right influences. I won't discuss that with anyone unless we're talking in person, because once it's on the internet it's there forever. This is private stuff that deserves to be off the grid. I just don't like to see people used, that is all.

tbc

First, I was rushing for a wait... this time I'm waiting for a rush

off the top

i see ice's translucence
lucidity's nothing but a nuisance
you stupid for not choosin
what you could've been, what you should've did
what i would've wished for
stripped down to the barebones
don't feel sorrow cause i'm alone
i chose this way this is my road
hit the highs and the lows
word to tomorrow
i know where i can go
i know what i stand for
i crossed paths on the railroads
i turned tables when the tables not in my favor
someone tell the fable, someone talk about the savior
can't say now, i'll tell you later
not the candy but i hope i cater
i want to be greater
i want to have a million haters
so one day when i'm older
i'll open up the folder
and tell the story of the boy who had the city on his shoulders
despite the boulders he became the biggest soldier
in the world

gtg

OTB

I'm currently on the block right now, so I won't forcefully put out something that I don't want to. Or do I? I think that's one of the biggest problems when it comes to writing, or simply creating anything. Our own thoughts and insecurities get in the way, and because of that we block ourselves off from what we truly can be. I have to get over that, personally, as you can see. I'm just kind of stream-of-consciousness-ing it, not really thinking about what I'm gonna say next. Just going with the flow, you know? And moments like that in life are okay. Y'all have no idea how many things I confront with no preparation, I just wing it and go in and see what happens. Like Javi says, "Just pull up, bang deezy" haha. 

But I'm not worried. Not worried about this, not worried about my current financial aid situation (GG), not worried about my family probs, not worried about anything. I know everything will come to make sense very soon. Life life life life life. You know what I mean?

Wanderlust twilight glaze over the tip of my dreams
Slipstreams not too far ahead

Trying to find the balances (Part 1) - my laptop is back!

(I got PayPal by lilwaterbed on loop as I write all of this. Just so you get an idea of where my mind's at. The quality of the song does not correlate to the quality of my thoughts.)

6:06 pm-

What is balance? I often think about what that is, in its core. Apparently I've been trying to find the balances of life, like a lot of other people. I don't know what "balance" specifically is, so it's kind of hard for me to look for something that I don't entirely understand.

When initially in mind, I see it as when two opposite forces are of equal force, resulting in the situation to be at peace. I think the reason I get caught up is cause there are different levels of balance, and it's safe to say those are physical, mental, social, and spiritual. I'll go into my balances with them in separate posts - let's start with physical as that's the first, and least important in my opinion.

My physical state and balance isn't something I think about, not as much as the others at least. I'm currently 5'5 and like 140-145 lbs, I don't remember exactly. I've gained 5 lbs throughout my first year of college, and since it's about to end in a month it's safe to say I'm going to have to shed a couple lbs throughout the summer. The first time I heard about Freshman 15 was actually only like a month ago, I'd never heard of it before that. I guess that's a good thing, because if I did, knowing me that would've propelled me towards gaining weight. I'm weird like that, I guess. Although, I can't complain, 5 lbs is a lot better than 15. Not to mention, I commute to college, so my lifestyle didn't change as drastically as someone who dorms there would.

Why do girls call their bfs "daddy"? A random thought. I think it has to do with women craving a power figure, or wanted to be dominated or something.

update: just watched a total xanarchy review  and $1 bagel vs $1000 bagel, listening to nice for what now.

6:38 pm-

I plan on burning off the weight this summer. That'll include working out a lot and eating healthily, the latter will be a major change. Cause I love food. Assuming I get the job at Dollar Tree (I find out tomorrow), I'mma need to balance how I'm gonna work all of that out. (wish by trippie redd now, prob loop)

I don't really care about how my body looks. I care more about actual health and ability to perform physical tasks. I've never really had to worry about my body nor be insecure about it, because I've been skinny and 5'5 my whole life. I don't really care much about my height either. In fact, I'm very content with my height. I know I'll never be "zaddy" status to a lot of girls, and I know for sure that my height will be a turn off to a lot of girls and that alone will decrease my game, but I don't think too much on that. I know I can make a lot of moves regardless. Although, a hot pair of abs wouldn't hurt either haha. I know I can definitely get that.

I used to have a bunch of muscle my senior year of HS, solely because I took a strength and conditioning class there. My arm muscles were very defined and visible, you could see them fr. I naturally have good calves because of my genes, but they were even more defined because of that class (shoutout to the leg press). My favorite workout was the dumbbell rows. I could legit do that for the rest of my life, it was great. It's lowkey kind of depressing because I never have any time to workout or perform any sort of exercise during the current school year, because I'm always having to deal with financial aid or other cheese that occurs. Because of this, I've lost all of my muscle! Except for my calves because they were there prior.

Now my arms are just flab, it's really sad. When I flail them around they just jiggle now. When I flex, there's almost nothing there :/ Adrian told me that if you start working out then stop, your muscles become smaller than what they originally were before you started. So in a sense I'm even less fit now than when I was before I started working out.

It's okay, I know I'll balance it all out this summer, so physical balance is not a worry in my life, because it can easily be controlled.

Shoutout lilwaterbed, I'll base my next balance topic off an IG poll- I'll ask what's more important, Mental balance or Spiritual balance. I'd do mental balance vs social balance, but that's too easy, so I left social balance for later. Or, I could just have 2 polls- social vs mental, and mental vs spiritual. Writing your thoughts out helps you think.

Women empowering women 2018. If that's not the move then I don't know what is.

If what I create helps atleast 1 person, in any way, then I'll be happy with myself. Until then I'm searching