The biggest regret about my 22nd birthday was that I didn’t listen to “22” by Taylor Swift at all. Other than that, I can’t think about much to complain about last year.
Last year I thought 22 was such an old age to be. I made a friend named Rin 2 days ago and talking with her really re-shaped how young I really am.
Moving forward from that conversation I realized how special my ability is to connect and resonate with others. Back in June I said:
“I feel like my purpose in this world is to create things that resonate with people and help the people around me to be better. I say this because I feel that my greatest skill is that I’m able to say things that will stick to people and they remember it.”
Moving forward into 23 I aim to further my connecting ability and develop even more relationships into my life. I’ve always known how deep my reach went, I never really thought about how far I can take it. And that’s what I plan to do this year.
Thank you to everyone who connects with me and connects in me and loves in me
I’m still moving still but I’m looking to get past my momentary feelings of stagnation
I could never lose my belief, cause it was a few years ago I couldn’t even see me
23 Jordan year but I still feel like the same me, I think that’s a good thing
Looking into the people around me and how they create me
I’m further understanding who and what I am every year
January, there was a sale on Little Bites so best believe I had to make my mark. It was around this time that I started to plot out what kind of undercut I'd want.
February, An admittedly forgetful month but I finally hooped indoors again and went to this amazing boba place.
March, I got my haircut and the rest was history.
April, this was on 9's birthday behind Chocolate Shoppe. All I remember about April was mentally preparing to finally be done with school.
May, Miss The Rage was a bigger deal than me graduating that day.
June, Starved Rock with my friends, an awesome experience that I hope I can run back
July, Trust
August, Milkis, Lyrical Lemonade Summer Smash, Donda, Nori Sushi.
September, My California worktrip. I don't have many photos (mainly Instagram story videos), but this was the best breakfast I had the morning before I left.
October, I finally got an IPhone and this was me Adrian and Matthew being in a Facetime call in the car together and my mind was blown at the camera.
November, Chicago Bulls, Pi'erre, and something else that I'm forgetting.
December was actually a great month. New Orleans, Christmas, I got a Nintendo Switch, the Kanye Drake concert, but only one thing could define December:
On the last day of 2021 I was doing a bunch of TBH’s on my Instagram. No, it’s not 2013 and you read that correctly, I was doing TBH’s in 2021. It is currently January 10th, 2021, at 1:53 AM as I write this, I have this Google Doc on an unusually bigger font as my eyes are having trouble reading the screen on my MacBook. It’s a brand new Macbook that I was able to get from Matthew, he left Apple the first week of January and fortunately his employee discounts reroll at the beginning of the year so we were able to cop a bunch of things before he left.
The situation around writing the year review is fairly different too. I’m on a new Macbook, on a new standing desk (although I’m currently sitting right now), and I’m actually not listening to music as I type this, which is weird and different for me. Usually I like to listen to my stream of consciousness music and just lock in as I type all of this annual reflection, but this time it’s more calm, more focused. I enjoy listening to the lavender switches on my mechanical keyboard that I’m typing on, something I don’t often appreciate as I’m wearing headphones most of the time. Mechanical keyboards is another change from 2020, although I can safely say I will be leaving mechanical keyboards behind in 2021. Such an expensive hobby, plus it’s a ton of useless knowledge to me.
To begin, I’m going to list off everything I accomplished as of January 10th, 2021:
975 followers on Instagram
I met a lot of cool people online and was able to increase my internet presence, further expanding my circle
I released my first song “Trust” on July 7, 2021, and as of this moment it has 2,810 streams
I went to a music festival with my friends
Didn’t get COVID yet
Got to travel to San Diego and New Orleans for work
I finally got to hoop indoors for the first time since early 2020
Continued to influence everyone around me and put a lot of people on
I’ve continued to grow my hair out and I was able to elegantly get past the awkward hair phase
Graduated (I almost forgot to put this on the list LOL I’m looking through Google Photos and saw pics of me)
I went hiking with my friends to Starved Rock which was so awesome
I got to see Pi’erre Bourne twice, and exchanged contact info with his engineer
I’ll start off by thanking the people who are actually reading this. I have you in mind this time and I’m actually gonna try to cater this post for your consumption.
When I first started off doing the year reviews on this blog, I always had it with myself in mind: It’ll be by me and for me. However, as the years have gone on by, what started off as just a space for me and my close friends turned into a space for me and my good friends, to my friends, to now my acquaintances (I won’t say “everyone” because people don’t care about me like that yet). I realized that my blog serves as a way for my friends who I don’t talk to as often to “catch up” with me. I put a lot of myself in these blog posts, because I know people aren’t trying to read all this in the average Instagram story or post. Not only that, but I literally have not hung out with anyone for nearly 2 years now.
That may sound like an exaggeration, but outside of my close friend circle, I haven’t actually spent time with any of my other friends in a hot minute. I’ve written a lot about how a lot of my old friends still see me as the high school/college me, and that’s weird to think about, especially since I know I’ve grown so much and that they’re not able to see that. It also kind of hurts sometimes knowing that my high school friends don’t read these anymore, cause they’re onto bigger things now. I still have a lot of heart for them, especially because I didn’t make any efforts to make any friends in college so my high school friends’ space is one that sticks with me, even when I don’t see/talk to them.
2021 was a re-run of 2020, but with less restrictions. We still have our masks on and somewhat practice social distancing, but it’s definitely not as enforced as it was last year, we’re way out of Phases 1 and 2. Only one of my best friends is still antivax, so I’m able to hang out with my other 3 best friends often. I still remember in 2020 when me and my sister would go get McDonald’s when there were 0 cars outside, and I wasn’t allowed to eat a single fry from the bag until we got home and washed our hands, as we didn’t know the health concerns/dangers at the time. And anyone who knows my family knows how much of a clean/health freak is my sister is, so she was most definitely on top of that.
Like every year though, my presence, reach and circle grows and I’m privileged, humbled, and honored to connect with new people. The first person I think of is my friend Luzia. It’s kind of wild to think I only ran into her 5 months ago, but man is she ahead of her time. I’ve always considered it a skill of mine to foresee people who are bound to shake up the game, and Luzia is most definitely one of them. It’s cool to see because she has so much untapped potential and her outbursts of energy and creativity make me wonder how important it can be if its focused. She ethereally flows along everything she touches but she’s not afraid to be gracefully feral, which is so huge. This next decade is gonna be all about doubling down on unapologeticness, but still being serene with it and that’s exactly what Luzia is shaping up to be right now. She’s helping me with a few different things regarding my own creative endeavors over the next few months so I’m really excited to see what we come up with and what she continues to do. I see so much of my younger self of naivete and obnoxious craving in her, but from a creative and artistic standpoint, she’s way ahead of me when I was her age. I’d like to think Luzia’s from the Izeezusverse too, there’s definitely a different version of me in a different universe that takes so much after her, and I think that’s a huge reason why I respect her so much.
The next person I thought of was my guy Daniel. I’ve known Daniel for years from school, primarily bonding over the memes he’d post on Facebook and me interacting with (for a long time, something was up with my feed’s algorithm and I would see all of his recent posts before I’d see anyone else’s, so by the time I went through all of his new posts, I’d have gotten tired of Facebook for the day and I’d quit it. That algorithm would recognize me as only interacting with Daniel’s posts and moving forward it would only show me whatever he posted lol), but I reached out to him on May 31st, a little over a month before Trust would drop.
This is what I had sent him at the time, and we just stayed in touch over the next few months. I was absolutely enamored with his abstract work, and I felt like his vision captured what the song sounded like. I can confidently say that Trust sounds exactly like what the cover art looks like, and I’m so grateful for him.
He just has an energy, man. Like I can’t say that he would resonate with everyone or vice versa, but the people that are so fortunate to connect with him, we are so f*cking fortunate. I originally befriended him because he used to be a mutual in our friend group when we used to go for sushi runs, and us two always shared moments of getting sushi highs together; that’s when I knew I had stumbled upon a real one, and that I couldn’t take him for granted.
And then it was just icing on the cake when I found out we have the exact same meme taste. A big love language of mine is sharing memes and being in sync with each other through that, so when I saw he was just posting so much fire on his Facebook page, I was just like “Wow, is this dude even real?” And THEN I found out he made art, the rest was just absolute history and he’s just an extremely class individual. I can’t say I fully understand him but I would love to pick his brain sometime and further learn Daniel.
I’ve always known Alex but last year we had a really honest conversation about our friendship and how we felt like I wasn’t doing enough in our friendship. It was the day after graduation and we had a conversation about how so many people “know” me and that she voiced how she felt us about how little we talked anymore. For reference, back from 2017-2020 I literally had a class every semester with her and to say she was my best friend was a huge understatement. Like, she’s probably my only close friend from college, and that’s just wild to think about when you consider the ideal college experience results in so many connections. I’ve always kept my circle small and she’s one of the few people I invested a lot in, and we’d talk nearly everyday for like 3 years straight. Whether it was school-related or just having deep conversations about anything and everything, she really was my bestie and for a long time the only friend I cared about.
Needless to say, it was an abrupt shift from talking every single day to not talking at all, because of COVID. She graduated before me and we actually had a Communications class together in her last semester but it was all online classes at the time. I’ve been a huge believer in low-effort relationships (I talked about it last year) and I’ve seen a lot of my relationships to be low-effort, especially during the pandemic. Me and Alex were extremely close, but we just weren’t on the same page about what it means to be friends.
Like, I have absolutely zero problem not talking to one of my good friends for weeks/months because I know they’re a real one, and I understand that when we do linkup, it’s all love regardless of how much time has spent. So in the same way with Alex, I have so much love for her that I felt that it’s okay if we don’t talk anymore because of the pandemic, as we were both working, going to school, and focusing on different things. It was really easy for me to step away from all of that because of the pandemic, but it wasn’t the same for her, and I wasn’t being a good enough friend to her since we stopped talking. She always says “we fell off” which is annoying to me but as I think about it more, she genuinely feels that way and I have to respect/think on it. And she’s technically not wrong, since we basically went from 100 to 0.
Going back to May after graduation, I was admittedly a douchebag and was like “It’s okay if we don’t talk anymore, we’re still real ones and whenever we start talking again, it’s gonna be all good and that’s all that matters!” I remember not being able to sleep that night and feeling so f*cking stupid lol, because the invitation to re-connect was right there and I turned it down because I wanted my space to rest up. Mind you, this is the day after graduation so I deleted all of my social medias and just went entirely off the grid.
I wasn’t trying to link up / talk with anyone for the near future since I just graduated, my fight or flight response had turned off and I immediately got sick, got a bunch of acne, lost my voice, and absolutely felt terrible. Not to mention that I had my second vaccine shot the week after so I had to get healthy in time for that.
But what I had failed to realize is that I essentially turned my back on my best friend of four years who wanted to relink so bad, and I absolutely fumbled the bag so bad. I messaged her the following morning and apologized, asking if she’d be interested to hang out and that I’d promise to be a better friend moving forward, catching up with her weekly. She accepted it with open arms, and she was my sole focus for the next few weeks as I was off social media. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way since I put all my attention and energy into her. Admittedly we did fall off in that regard because I stopped talking to her daily after like two months but it was an important stepping stone in our relationship because it reopened a meaningful connection in my world that was lost because of real life differences, the pandemic, and us just going down two different paths in life.
She’s such an amazing person that I’d truly ride-or-die for. She’s always been real and consistent with so much of what she outputs herself, that’s what I admire so much about her and what I try to emulate from the people I love. I struggle with consistency because there’s always so much energy from people that I need to take a step back (more on that later), but Alex has always been a consistent figure and that’s something I always try to take away from her. Her fiery heart is something I can abide in for eternal moments because she always keeps me at my feet and that kind of accountability is what I need if I wanna tap more into my consistency bag for the new year.
It was a huge learning lesson for friendships for me; I’ve always put myself first over others and I have no regrets, but Alex helped me realize that sometimes there are people worth putting over yourself. I had done that for her in the past so her reawakening that in me was an important experience for me and I continue to practice that in the bonds I have with the important/special people in my life.
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Thinking of my 2021 favorite music, obviously Pi’erre 5 is up there but I feel like the most impactful album I heard was dltzk’s frailty. Not in a romanticizing way, but I’ve always admired how people paint their depictions of angst in their art. It’s nuts to think that mf is only 18 too, he’s too talented for his own good.
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A special shoutout to my high school junior year English teacher as well, I know she's always watching. I always wonder how people like her can acknowledge/track my growth via the online self that they can only receive me through today. That's why I try to be my authentic self in my online presence, because I know that it's through things like this or my Instagram where people can really see what I've been up to. And it sucks because Instagram is the fakest place to depict yourself. But I try, and I know the people that matter are proud of me.
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2021 was a year of firsts for sure. Without a doubt though, the biggest first was me dropping my first song, “Trust”! Oh man, I feel like I can talk about this one forever lol. I started writing Trust as early as early 2020, pre-pandemic. I was sitting on it for a long time but it didn’t really come to me until like April-May, when I was so close to graduating. I realized I’d actually finally be free to create, and the concept of that gave me so much motivation/inspiration.
I know we have winter, spring, and summer breaks during our school years, but I always felt that there was always a ticking timer above our heads during all of those seasons, and that’s because there was.
Of course, I felt liberated and free during those breaks, but in the back of my mind I always used to think, That’s one day marked off until I go back to school. I never hated school, I was always decent at it and I had a memorable presence with lots of friends. But I think there’s nothing better than just being at bliss in your own space, having no responsibility and just existing. Of course, responsibility never ends, but being able to exist in those moments where everything is at peace regardless of your circumstances, that’s the closest thing we have to heaven on earth.
This all may just sound like excuses for laziness/procrastination, and maybe it is. There have been and there are so many people younger than me making the most of their time and making so many waves than I am right now at age 22. But I value my time a lot, and even though I made promises for the last 4 years saying “I’m dropping music soon”, I’m content that I’m doing things at my own time and pace and I have zero regrets.
It is weird though because I have a lot of 2018-19 songs that I wanna fix up and release today, but they sound very dated and I’m not sure how well they’d fit with the vibe today, since I want to evolve with the time as well. I’ll figure it out though.
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Usually when I write these, I’m just able to type out the year 20XX and my mind flows and does the rest. This time around though, it’s different. So much of my life I was able to get away with streams of consciousness and have it perceived as gospel. And while I’m always true to my word and never back away from it, this year I had to take a different approach to it, a more focused effort. After last year when I spent so much time outputting my voice to the world in an attempt to feel normal, I’m more adjusted to the circumstances that we’re in now and I knew a step back was necessary.
I remember coming into 2021 very optimistic about the year, and 2021 was undoubtedly way better than 2020. I don’t think anyone’s arguing that. I came into the year with very real expectations for what I wanted to do. For starters, I knew I was gonna get an undercut on my birthday in March, I knew some creative output of mine would be fully realized, and I knew I’d have lots of opportunity coming my way, and all of these were true. My hair is the healthiest it’s ever been (and my favorite era for sure), my first song released and I was able to travel a ton. I was never able to travel like that because of school and work so I remember telling myself after I graduate I’m gonna travel as much as I can because I want to. I remember telling Edrick and Raykel that we’d link when I visited New York in 2020, but that didn’t happen because of COVID, and it didn’t happen in 2021 because everything was in lockdown. Will we link up finally in 2022? We’ll have to see.
Something I gained back in 2021 was being able to play basketball indoors, and it was one of the most important returns to form I experienced in a while. Granted, I was absolutely trash, and to this day I’m still nowhere close to my prime, but just being able to go to my local gym and hoop whenever I want is a blessing and something I won’t take for granted moving forward. Although, I don’t get as much time to do so because of work.
That’s a good problem to have though, because I’m very happy and validated with the work that I’m doing right now. I won’t speak too much on it because I don’t want to give away too much information on myself, but what I will say is that it’s very demanding but it opens up so many opportunities for me that I never could have seen for myself. I’ve gotten to travel to San Diego and New Orleans only months between each other, and I’m probably going to be doing a lot more traveling this year too. This year I really want to make New York happen, and my friends want to come too so that makes the trip so much realer.
Me, Matthew and Adrian went to Lyrical Lemonade Summer Smash too, and it was such a hit. I’m not gonna lie, I solely went because Pi’erre Bourne didn’t have a standalone Chicago concert and his Chicago stop of the tour was at the music festival, so I ultimately had no choice but to buy a 1-day ticket for his set. I continue to live the zero regret life though, I’m entirely glad I did.
The only oversight was that because of a train delay, we came a bit late and we missed SoFaygo’s set, one I wanted to watch really badly, but it was okay. The people I wanted to watch were Pi’erre, Ericdoa, Bktherula, and Uzi. It ended up working out though because SoFaygo actually ended up making an appearance in Ericdoa’s set and I thought that was so fire. Being able to see one of my favorite artists and a lot of artists that I adore so close and back-to-back from each other was such an awesome experience and I hope to go to more in 2022 with them.
The concerts that I could’ve gone to, but didn’t were:
Free Trippie Redd tickets I won, didn’t go because I was alerted a few hours before the show and I wasn’t mentally ready to go out like that
Dayglow, me and Matthew got Indiana tickets because there were no Chicago dates at the time, but then he announced a Chicago date and then we were frantically trying to sell the IN tickets, and I didn’t wanna pay for 2 tickets, NOR did we want to drive out all the way to IN knowing that there was a way nearer by concert happening, so we just ate the cost and didn’t go to either concert :(
Carti, King Vamp tour seemed like such a movie but it was quite literally the day after the second Pi’erre concert (he finally added a Chicago date a little after Lyrical Lemonade) and we were kind of burnt out so I just resold my tickets for no profit because I didn’t wanna risk not getting them sold
One of the most memorable ones was the Donda Chicago Listening Party. Adrian and I had terrible seats but still being able to go felt like a dream. I can’t emphasize how bad the seats were, all we heard was bass. But we did get the Harold's chicken sandwich before
I was also able to go to a few Bulls games, and Statesville Haunted Prison’s last season and that was a fun trip.
But I’d say the greatest trip I went was hiking with my best friends at Starved Rock. It was a big step because prior to that, our biggest trip/move was Six Flags, so this is most definitely a step up from that. Highlights included:
Me pulling up on a racist gas station in the rural part of Illinois, and having a bunch of scary white people stare at me
Hiking through a ton of Starved Rock and pulling my muscles on the last stretch of the hike back, but still grinding through it
Eating amazing sandwiches that we brought ingredients for, including Javi’s grandma’s loaves of bread
Eating breakfast at McDonald’s in the morning prior to the drive, then having to hurry back home because I forgot my frozen grapes
Going to Walmart and the grocery store with 9 the night prior to get snacks and food for the hike
The drive there with Matthew and 9, sitting in the back and listening to my music (I brought 2 portable chargers so I wasn’t worried about my battery)
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2018 was me learning to be content with solitude, 2019 was me tapping into my feminine bag, and 2020 was me balancing my masculine and feminine energy into who I am today. Despite the uncertainties of 2020, I felt very secure and had a very good understanding of who I was coming into 2021.
I said this last year as well, but the pandemic f*cked up my perception of time and that’s still true today. As I write this, it’s weird to think that Kobe and Pop Smoke have been gone for 2 years now, and Lil Peep has been gone for 5 years. The BH Saturation era is gonna have its 5 year anniversary this year, as well as a lot of iconic moments from my senior year of high school, 2017 summer, and first semester of college. 2021 kind of just happened and I struggled on having nothing to say.
Because anyone who knows me knows that I love sharing my thoughts and sharing how I feel. I was able to share how I feel just fine, but 2021 I was the epitome of “no thoughts, head empty”. I looked through all of my Google Photos 2021 to see if I had any outstanding moments of identity, but the lack of moment is actually the biggest moment of it all.
The past year was really just spent existing, and learning to be okay with that. That was new for me, because I’m either always making moves or growing/healing. But 2021 was definitely on some stagnation vibes. Other than people coming into my life and others leaving, I still feel like the same person from 2020. And that’s because of the pandemic basically taking our lives away, or what we knew of our lives.
I’m still trying to find the balance of contributing something meaningful, but at the same time, recognizing that I don’t owe anyone anything.
It’s something I hope I can better navigate throughout 2022.
Interestingly enough, I always take social media breaks to step away from those moments of reflection, but I use that downtime to think on it even more.
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In the new year I’m gonna further analyze what role I play in people’s lives. While I wouldn’t consider myself a “provider” in people’s lives, I do see myself as someone who provides different aspects of life energy to them. I know it's not meant for everyone though.
I’ve dealt with the internal dilemma of wanting to help everyone before in the past, back in like 2018-19, but I was able to get past that and realize what’s real in my life and what’s within my control. But over the past few months I continue and continue to connect with so many real ones who are just going through so much and are broken inside. And it means the world to me that they trust me enough to confide in me and be vulnerable with me.
It’s not on them, it’s entirely on me. I just wish I could give every single person 100% of my energy and help to support them. But what I have to remind myself is that that is not possible, and I need to put myself first.
If you’ve followed me for the past few years, you’ll see that there’s a recurring theme of putting yourself first at all costs, doubling down on yourself even when it may seem like a dick move to do. And like you know, as easy as it may be for me to claim that and be super unapologetic, I can’t HELP but feel a little apologetic on the inside, you feel? LOL 😦
That’s one of the hardest things about maturity and growing up. You need to be able to step away from everything and everyone to regroup and recharge for yourself. And you also need to be able to tell people that you’re not responsible for what they’re dealing with, as much as you’d like to help them.
If I could, I wish I could absorb all of my friends' pain and traumas so they could be at peace. But I know that’s not possible, and even if it was, I’m not responsible nor the person to be that for them.
This is a post from my blog in August 2018, and it focused on me reevaluating how precious life is and how much longer my grandma has to live. I’ve been preparing for her death since 2019, and I feel like when she dies (whenever that is), I’m not gonna be terribly sad about it. I’ve fully accepted it. When she got put on an oxygen concentrator in early 2020 after falling and bruising her arm, and then getting COVID later in the year, I really thought her time was gonna come, but she’s still here, and it really makes me wonder what the quality of her life is. And it sucks that I even have thoughts as dark as that.
For a decent period in 2020/21, my brother and I took on an informal caretaker role giving/feeding my grandma food, taking her to the bathroom and shower, and overall just helping her get around and random things. It was such a demanding thing to do every single day, on top of my school and work, but we had to do it because that's family
I dealt with her a lot the past year and a half, and it'd been so emotionally and mentally exhausting, because keep in mind she’s like 80, so she’s definitely been losing her mind and that deterioration is something soul-breaking that I'm still trying to process, as I continue to aid her everyday in her various tasks.
Flash forward to today, we hired a caretaker to help my grandma from the morning till noon, and a lot of her physical needs are taken care of like food and bathroom, but her mental/emotional craving can’t be fulfilled because I'm too busy working. I’m always in my room working from home and I don’t actually come downstairs until like 3PM.
A few weeks back I told her I’m gonna be in New Jersey in September for a week for work, and she immediately got super worried and tried to convince me not to go. She didn’t want me to go because she already feels lonely as is with me being busy with work and only seeing her for a little bit of time everyday, and if I’m not at home then she’ll “feel like no one is here for me.” Obviously, everyone’s at home and we care about her, but it’s just a sad reality that we're not physically or emotionally available to cater to my grandma’s needs.
I’ve always been able to navigate accepting that I can’t save my friends or outside people, but having to make this realization for my grandma is definitely a lot because she’s family and she literally raised me when my mom and dad were at work.
No matter what I do for my grandma now, it can’t escape her inevitable fate that’s coming in the next few years. I’ve accepted it, and I don’t feel any guilt for when it happens because I know I’ve done so much for her and she recognizes that.
Seeing someone in pain, but having to be the bigger person to yourself and realizing you have to take a step back as you can’t fix the situation.
The things I hate the most are when the people that I care about are affected by things I can’t control. That’s the difference between growing up and not, in my opinion.
I want to be a connector of sorts. Like bringing people together. I’ve realized I have so many mutual circles and I can be a wingman of sorts for a lot of friendships. Interestingly enough, the Wingman is my favorite gun in Apex Legends.
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Online reach is so huge and so important. I remember thinking at the end of 2020, “Man, when COVID’s over I’m gonna try to step away from my online communities and live in the real world.”
LOL.
Doubling down on my online friends is something I’ll have to hone in on, because like I said before, that new COVID wave on the time that we’re on now. We’re at the point now where it’s gonna feel weird if I’m NOT wearing a mask out in the real world.
The wildest thing is realizing that I’ve spent more time with my online friends in the past year than my real life friends. I wonder what that trend will look like in 2022.
2022 I need to be more focused. That’s the mission. Even in this I feel like I’m just blurting thoughts out all over the place.
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I feel like every year I say "thank you" more and more often. I think that's because every year I end up becoming more grateful for the people that are in my life. Every year people come in and out of my life, and every time it makes me that much more appreciative for the people that've consistently stayed. At heart I know I'm a good person; as does God, as do the people in my circle, as do the people I surround myself with.
My dreams continue to get deeper and the world around me continues to get more cloudy. It's really annoying, and I hurt when I lose people along the way. But we continue to move forward and I continue to be more mindful about what I apply myself towards in 2022.
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A Collection of Many Different Thoughts Throughout 2021
These are edited excerpts of things I've written about for the people in my Discord server to read. While it's not everything I've posted there, they are ones I wanted to share, and I'm sharing them to the public for the first time. They're writings where I explore things for others and for myself and they're very personal navigations for me as I continue to learn how to exist in this world. Thank you.
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07/24/2021
This is directed at anyone in particular, but rather everyone who’s done this to me. So don’t necessarily take this as a personal attack cause I’m attacking everyone.
Please stop apologizing.
You should not be apologizing over things that you don't owe.
On a more serious note though, the reason normalizing this language is bad is because you subconsciously get used to the idea that you do things that warrant an apology. I mean, think about it; when was the last time you genuinely hurt someone that you actually needed to say, “I’m sorry.” Nowadays we say sorry for the smallest things, and while it’s not a bad thing at all to be grateful/kind, it can affect you in the long run if you’re continuously asking for others’ forgiveness, especially when it wasn’t needed in the first place.
I will disclaim this though, this is not a call to entirely remove all apologizing from your life. There is still strength and effectiveness in apologies. I know there’s a stigma in apologizing and how it can make you seem weaker. That is literally what I was just talking about above lol, but that’s a different situation; you should certainly apologize for moments when you NEED to apologize and hold yourself accountable, but you are also placed in many trivial situations that don’t warrant an apology.
Some things to think about before apologizing:
-Why are you apologizing?
-Is it really necessary? Will anything change if I don’t apologize?
-Do I owe anything to this person that’d warrant an apology?
I’m sure some of y’all are reading this annoyed already because I’ve basically said the same thing over and over in like 5 different ways lol, but I really do have to drill this in for y’all. While it may not seem like a huge deal right now, one day you’ll be in a workplace where your apologies (or lack thereof) can change your entire experience in that space.
Here is a list of things you don’t owe people:
-Your time
-Your effort
-Your attention
-A response
-A presentable medium (What I mean here is that you don’t have to perform a version of yourself just to “fit in”)
-Catering to them
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08/16/2021
Reserving my voice is something I’ve had to deal a lot with in my life, especially since I’m always wanting to say something.
When I’m on an app like Instagram, and I’m not posting / not making my voice heard, I’m basically always spectating and just being a witness in everything around me. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because all of us at some point play a witness/spectator role. However for me personally, eventually it comes to a point where I feel like I NEED to say something or have something posted, like “Oh man everyone else is saying stuff. I need to say something too just so people know I’m out here”.
Social media has a really twisted way of making ourselves seem human to others. Because we basically never see 90% of our social media audience in real life (for long periods of time, at the very least), we try to make ourselves seem as authentic as possible by posting and saying things that’d reflect our character. At some point though, there comes a time when you just start posting stuff JUST to have stuff posted. Just so people still “recognize” you as an individual, and so people ultimately don’t forget about you.
One of my biggest fears is not people forgetting who I am, but rather people forgetting the things I stand for and the vibes I want to bring forward to the world. One of my favorite conversations with Raykel had me saying this:
>
its really weird tbh
being remembered doesnt matter to me, but i dont want to be forgotten
cause i feel like those two arent direct opposite
i dont care if no one remembers izeezus the person, but it would hurt if everyone forgot what izeezus stood for
like living your truth, being creative, loving yourself and shit
its not an ego thing cause i dont want those kind of traits to be attributed to my identity (although im not against it), its just that i'd want those traits to be relayed on as many levels as possible
exactly like you said, my name doesnt have to be spread but energy has to be spread
and thats why im not worried or upset with my silence, cause ik that you and others are doing that for me
which i appreciate a lot
it means a lot that people do it for me but its not about me
<
So when I deal with that dread that I mentioned before, people forgetting of what I am via a lack of social media presence, you can see how these two things connect.
Cause no one ultimately wants to be forgotten, and if social media is the number one way to stay connected, that implies that social media can also be the number one to become disconnected.
It reminds me of what Childish Gambino said in his 2013 Breakfast Club interview at 8:30:
"We are more connected than we’ve ever been, but I feel more alone than I’ve ever been."
It’s a very thin tightrope to walk on. The balance of trying to be online to maintain a presence, but also not posting too much that you get sucked in and oversaturate yourself, and then also not posting enough or at all ultimately leading to the worry of being forgotten.
Sometimes when you’re in the room with a group of people, you might feel anxiety in that you’re awfully silent and you haven’t necessarily made a spark in the conversation. But then you’re also worried you might kill the vibe if you say too much or say the wrong thing. That’s essentially the real-life version of what I’m saying now.
For me personally, speaking in real life is easier to me than maintaining a presence online, because it’s hard for me to fully express myself online to a group of people that are half-paying attention to me. For a lot of you guys, you may very well thrive in an online space and I’m absolutely jealous of that, especially if a lot of you guys are living your true self through a Twitter or a TikTok or through an Instagram, or a Discord. Either outlet can certainly be a venue for your self-expression, but I feel like this is something that every single person reading this has dealt with or is dealing with. Whether you primarily operate your social skills in real life or online, it is more than likely that you’ve dealt with the things that I’m talking about.
This is definitely a weird position for me because usually I’d have some sort of answer, resolution or advice at the end of an exposition like this, but I don’t really have one because I still deal with this everyday LOL. I consider myself a creative and I’m always wanting to voice myself out there to as many people as possible. But there comes a time where I need to take a step back to recharge and protect myself. I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily FOMO, but rather feeling that I’m not doing enough. And that’s something I need to get used to.
These are some important reminders to every single person who roams the internet/real life and is dealing with some of the same stuff that I am:
- You’re more than what you show
- You are NOT required to post anything on social media
- You are NOT obligated to keep people updated in your life, and you’re not obligated to tune into other people’s updates
- Although the social media algorithm may tell you otherwise, people will NOT forget you if you don’t post. Your friends think about you way more than you know
- The overthinking bag is a bitch
- Your lack of social media presence/voice doesn’t determine your value or the legitimacy of your identity when you DO decide to show it
- It's okay to do nothing sometimes
- SUPER IMPORTANT, not everything you do has to be for others. Not everything you do/say has to be important or even good.
- You're 100% allowed to make things just for yourself.
- You're allowed to say no, and
- You're allowed to rest.
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12/22/2021
The biggest forms of growth are invisible, and those are things that occur inside of you.
Those are things such as growing wiser mentally, spiritually, and overall just being more and peace and sense with yourself. A lot of those periods are entirely internal and no one’s ever gonna see the hardest battles you face inside of yourself.
You can’t get a trophy or ribbon for fighting your biggest demons and overcoming them. Because while it is a meritable feat, and you have all of my admiration and respect for beating those things, it’s simply something that outsiders won’t be able to see. Real ones might be able to feel or sense that energy shift, but for the most part, 99.5% of the world won’t reward me for the mental/internal struggles I faced and the invisible growth I went through in 2021.
While internal growth and being in tune with yourself isn't the most visible form of achievement, I believe you can find vulnerable parts of yourself expressed in physical things that you cherish for yourself.
For me, that would be my journal. I've never really been a trophy/plaque kind of guy, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want any kind of symbol to celebrate an achievement of mine. Albeit not a "trophy" seeing my first ever completed journal, something I accomplished on my own, made feel really awesome of myself. Being able to express and vent my own thoughts somewhere where I’d be free of judgment was like a godsend to me, and while I don’t go back to read it, every now and then I look inside of my drawer and think, “Damn, you really overcame all of that, wrote all about it, and you’re still here. That’s something to celebrate.”
However, I know that journaling isn't for everyone and I recognize it’s easy for me to just suggest a journal because I’m a writer. This is why I believe so many people resonate with music. Because through music is a language of internal growth, that’s why we all resonate with it because it’s a language that we were never talk to vocalize/express so IN it we find comfort.
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01/07/2021
This year I learned the many different ways to say "I love you".
And like, I know I’m probably in my overthinking bag on this one. The question literally asks what the best RESPONSE is to “I love you”. But idk, I feel like there’s some legitimacy to my overthinking.
I talked about this with my friend Sinthia earlier in the year and I’ll honestly just re-word some of the things I said:
>
When it comes to saying “I love you too”, like you HAVE to say something and if u don't then it'd look mean. So now I say stuff like "And I love you" or "I love you more" or "I love YOU"
I'm trying to think of other possible ways to respond to “I love you” in a real manner, not that “I love you too” ISN'T a real manner, but Idk sometimes it can sound off to me lol
<
My energy towards this is the same energy that I have regarding ableist terms. Like, I’m not going to cancel you or hate you forever if you use the words crazy, insane, or dumb because they’re words that are normalized in our lives and it’s only recently that we’ve learned that they’re problematic. No one’s getting attacked for using those words. In the same way, I’m not gonna hate on anyone who continues to respond to me with “I love you too”. I’m not bouta be like:
Something that she said that stuck with me was that when it comes to matching the energy on an “I love you”, the “too” at the end can seem very very effortless. And like, I definitely love those people back but I don't want them to think I'm saying it JUST to say it, regardless of my intentions I can’t control how they would receive my words. (Goes back to my words of impact over intentions!)
For me, I always said it back cause that’s like common to say it like that but thinking about it now it’s about the energy that’s reciprocated. But like I’m especially thinking of the people who are initiating that contact.
It's easy for many of us to share love, but there are literally people our age who are still anxious to tell someone "I love you", even in a platonic, non-romantic context. And then just to be told "I love you too" is probably heart wrenching, especially because it took them so much effort to actually say it initially and they expected so much more of a return.
There’s also a much bigger difference between the levels of love in relationships, like casual to platonic to romantic passionate, and this is something that became a conflict between me and Alex because we weren't on the same page on how we were using it with each other.
To emphasize, there is no one-all, correct response to “I love you”. “I love you too” is perfectly fine and there are zero issues to it. But if you want to reciprocate the energy of the original person who said it, here are some good ways: (edited)
1. And I love you
This is my personal favorite because it sounds the most loving. Not only does this reaffirmation match the same energy as the initial sender, it serves as a gentle and sweet reminder that they’re not alone in sharing love. It’s not a one sided effort and you’re making that clear.
2. I love you more
This one’s simple because it’s effortless, it gets the job done, and it’s way more validating than “I love you too”. Because with this one, it lets the initial sender know that their love efforts are not falling on deaf ears. I hear you, and I’m sending back that energy PLUS more.
3. I love YOU
This one is special because it changes the dynamic of the conversation and redirects the attention to the initial sender. Like, if I tell Sinner, “I love you”, then she’s the focus and target of the convo. But if she responds with “I love YOU”, then it’s no longer about her and now it’s back to me; a super affirming way to return the energy because you’re accepting the love in a way that you’re shooting it back at them. I know it sounds corny but it’s like a love ping-pong imo lol
Honorable mentions:
4. Love, LOVE, or Love with an emote next to it
I added this because I use this one a lot. I use this a lot with my relationships where both of us know the love is mutual, we don’t have to go out each other’s way to prove to each other that we love each other. Sometimes a simple “Love ♥️” can go a long way, and it goes a much longer way than “I love you too” in my honest opinion.
5. Any kind of hearts emoji, or reacting to the initial message with a hearts emoji
I like this one because a lot of times we don’t have the energy to exert to another person and this is the best way to go, and it’s a way more subtle response - which is super crucial when you’re reading the room, a lot of people are worried about killing the vibe with their last message leading to a dead chat, I personally don't care about this but I know a lot of people do - and in my honest opinion it’s a nice way to acknowledge their existence without them feeling on read lol. Because with the emote reaction you let them know that you hear them, you may not be putting the same amount of effort as them but y’all know each other enough that the love is there.
Also, sometimes you just don’t have anything you want to say or have to respond to them lol, that’s why the emote response is clutch because you’re not trying to initiate a whole convo, you can highkey just keep the vibes at a standstill right there without the other person feeling disregarded.
Responses that I’m not the fondest of (again, nothing that would make me cancel them but it’s just like “dam ok lol”
6. Thanks
If they respond with “thanks”, then you’ve basically lost. They either don’t care enough or they don’t like you enough to the point that they can respond back with “I love you too”. At that point you just gotta accept your L and keep on moving. BUT L’s ARE OKAY!!! You gotta send love and get shot down until you find the real ones who will return that same energy back to you.
7. Ok
This one’s self-explanatory lol. Just one of those "F’s in the chat for our fallen soldier” moments.
8. Who are you
RIP.
-
For the record, all of these responses are very recoverable!!! Sometimes you just gotta be the bigger person and not respond LOL. But of course, if you get left on read then it’s a GG and you just have to accept your L and move on with life. And believe me, it happens to me way more than you think, I’m not just a love energy trust guru who never misses.
In all seriousness though, I once more have to reiterate that there’s no correct way to respond to “I love you”. There are more reaffirming ways, but no one correct answer. It’s all love regardless and whether or not you guys leave me on read, I’m loving you forever, especially since you're reading this <3
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1/20/21
Do you feel like you have friends that hold you accountable, people that when you wake up you go, “Okay, I have to make this person proud”? Do you have friends that push you better in life, that need you to be better in life so you can be there for them?
I feel like a lot of people might resonate with what I’m about to say. One of my biggest struggles is that I’m unable to solely accomplish things on my accord. Yes, being by myself can be peaceful, but it’s difficult to create things when I have no one’s approval to uphold. It’s different from being dependent on people, but I know that no one’s satisfaction is on the line when I’m doing these things for myself. If these things are solely affecting me then it’s not easy for me to just use sheer willpower to do it, I’m not inclined to it because it’s not incentivizing and no one else is at stake.
It’s kind of wild and interesting how I’ll be ready in a split second for any of my friends who’ve been crossed or simply for any of my friends who need me or need my help. I know a lot of you guys can relate to that. You’re quick to be there for your friends but you’re not quick to be there for yourself.
It’s super important that you’re surrounding yourself with the right people. This conversation about surrounding yourself with “good friends” or “the right people” has changed drastically because of COVID-19 and quarantine.
It is important that you recognize and are cognizant of the people around you. Like it may not seem as big of a deal, but do you feel like your voice is being heard in the online communities that you’re in? Or are you there just to be there, are you there just so you can fit in? I can’t answer that for you and you have to come to terms with that on yourself.
If you’re reading this right now then chances are then you probably have good friends that you’re close with and care about. As a real friend, it is your responsibility to hold all your real friends accountable, hold them to higher standards, and overall help them be better people.
I think this is really important because of the thing I said before. Remember how I said it’s lot easier to hold others and your friends accountable, and to help out/step up for them than it is to hold yourself accountable, and to help out/step up for yourself? If what I’m saying actually works, then for the people who struggle holding themselves accountable (me), so long as you continue to be there for your friends and hold them accountable, that energy will come back around and you can expect your friends holding you accountable in return. And of course, a lot of this is figurative, I’m not expecting you to take this literally to an extent. My intentions are not for you to be on a phone call with your online friend to make sure they get their homework done LOL. But like in times when you know that your friend is in a block, literally dude, a random DM goes SUCH a long way, I promise.
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09/18/2021
For those who don't know, I graduated May 2021 with an English degree, because I wanna be some sort of English teacher/professor in the future. While I wouldn't wanna be a writer as a profession, because I'm in the English field I've connected with a lot of writers and talked to them, learned from them. I was talking with a few people last night about my worries of turning your passion into a occupation, henceforth losing your passion. One of my friends made the distinction of how they wouldn't turn their passion into an occupation, but they definitely would for a hobby.
I had to make that distinction of passion versus hobby because those words are often intertwined for me. I don't have any hobbies that I'm not passionate about, but at the same time I don't think I could make any of those "passions" into a job of mine. I think of Brockhampton, who if you remember had an unreal, legendary run during the 2017 Saturation era. Like, yeah they were still artists as their job, but at the time they were independent and to be able to go 3/3 on albums in one year, let alone drop 3 albums IN the same year, that was absolutely ridiculous. But ever since they signed with RCA the vibes have been different; it's Lowkey kind of sad to see them peak at what was basically the beginning of their mainstream careers, and now they're breaking up.
So like, when it comes to writing, music and basketball, what I'd say are my three biggest passions, I don't know if I could ever make a career out of it just because of the emotional attachment I have with it, and I don't know if I could see myself monetizing my energy on that.
Not that I'd be able to make the NBA anyways ðŸ˜
But for something like video games (not competitive gamer I'm not that commited lmfao), something food related, or some third option, I could definitely see myself doing something in that world just because I'm not invested in it like that and I'd 100% be content with making money off that. Like Twitch streaming! Which I'm still gonna continue sometime in the future but I just started an internship so I'm focusing on that right now.
Going back to earlier though, I've had the opportunity to connect with a lot of successful writers in the industry, and this is the number one piece of advice so many have told me in regards to outputting writing:
Discipline.
All of those writers were able to be successful writers because they continuously wrote things every single day, even if they were writing absolute trash. The same goes with Brockhampton and probably a lot of other artists. Like, you see them staying in the studio and just never stopping.
If you're really locked into whatever you're trying to accomplish, you have to discipline yourself to consistently work towards it every day. Of course, you're allowed to take breaks, but you should always try to create SOMETHING every single day.
And it doesn't have to be a magnum opus, it will 99% not be that. But even having like a tidbit, a sliver of progress towards something, I guess it is like a form of mental (and creative) training to be able to do that. There's no "correct" way to practice this discipline either, it's different for everyone. For me it's literally just writing stuff in my phone notes, to remind myself that I still got it.
In my case, it's writing something everyday. It doesn't have to be music related or anything related, really. As long as I'm keeping myself sharp all the time, even when a lot of it is trash. You guys probably only see like 15% of the stuff I write, because a lot of it is all over the place and unfocused. But in like 10 portions of mid, you might be able to find a few good things.
Fun fact, Trust's lyrics were actually taken from 5 different phone notes that I wrote over the past 2 years. And in context those 5 different notes were trash, but putting the pieces together is what made it come full circle. I'm sure there are a few of you who can just come up with whole songs and lyrics in like 15 minutes, but that's not me lol. It will continue to take me a lifetime of disciplining myself to continue to find pieces of gold in works that I thought were trash.
Disclaimer though, I'm not on my Sevdaliza or SZA defending Kanye overworking his employees, comparing their "disciplined labor" to someone working in a sweatshop. We're very privileged that we can worry about creative burnout. The fact that we're able to make something out of ourselves at our lowest is a blessing, and we should not take that for granted. As valid as our struggles may be, do remind yourselves that we're still in a great position to be in and it could very easily be a lot worse.
I'm 100% towards the philosophy of "being creative when you're in the mode", I'm like that with music. I only really think of my best music stuff when I'm bored on my phone in the quiet night. But if you're 100% locked into your craft and you wanna take this creative shit seriously, you have to commit to disciplining yourself and applying yourself towards it everyday even when you don't want to. It's basically the creative equivalent of working out and going to the gym but I hate gym rats so it's unfortunate that I have to refer to them as an example.
I like making music but I'm not serious about it so I just do stuff for it every now and then, nothing too deep. I know a lot of you guys make music / wanna make a career out of it, or any other kind of art. To that I applaud you and admire you for it because I 100% do not have the energy or creative capacity to hone in on that. A lot of you guys are WAY smarter than me.
But a lot of that music/artistic dream can just end up being a fantasy. I'm not attributing all of it to discipline, a lot of it is connections and simply luck. But if you're not willing to lock in and discipline yourself towards working on your passion every single day, including your off days, you might have to have a hard conversation with yourself if that's the path you want to go down. And I never want to shut down anyone's creative endeavors, I love them. But at the same time I care about every person in this server (hence why you got invited) and I hate to see my people invest themselves into false expectations and get let down when things don't get their way.
Again, this isn't to scare you guys and stop being creative! You SHOULD be creative and you should be allowed to be creative with no repercussions. I'm talking solely to the people who are serious about this. Honestly, even if you're not serious about your creativity, I still think it's cool to discipline yourself and push yourself to see how much can actually come of it.
This doesn't necessarily have to apply to creative works as well. The discipline mindset can be applied towards literally anything you want to achieve. Like, deadass anything lol. Discipline has a limit though, at no point should you put your work over your mental (or even physical) health, going back to that Sevdaliza post. I like Kanye and I think it'd be cool to work for him but you got me fucked up if you think I'm working for him for 33 hours straight ðŸ˜
It's important to note that Kanye's engineer was not held for 33 hours against his will, he chose to stay there for 33 hours, that's something people don't bring up. However, at that point I don't even know if that'd be considered "locked in" because damn I'd hate myself LOL 😠there are 100% people who would do that kind of work though, and that might be you, but I really would not recommend/cosign it.
There is no creative work worth losing your health or life over.
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02/06/2021
A scene from one of my favorite shows, Atlanta:
So basically in that scene, Earn (Donald Glover) has been on a huge L streak and he’s in his overthinking bag. Then, this wizard ass dude Ahmad White pulls up and drops some facts on him. There are a lot of quotables in this scene that resonate with me:
Earn:
I just keep losing. I mean, are some people just supposed to lose? Are there just some people on Earth who supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?
Ahmad:
Resistance is a symptom of the way things are, not the way things necessarily should be. Actual victory belongs to things that simply do not see failure.
It’s a pretty funny scene after that, but it really did have me reflecting on how I handled COVID-19 and quarantine. I remember being so down bad in 2020 at the beginning of quarantine because times were just tough and I felt miserable that I wasn’t really making moves in life.
Of course, looking back at things now I recognize that my measuring of growth was bad, but at that time that’s not what I knew. I truly was in this downward spiral of, “Damn, I’m just taking a lot of L’s in life right now. And the worst part is that I can’t even doing anything about it because of quarantine, I’m trapped out here.”
Ahmad’s advice is valid but it’s not the easiest pill to swallow.
Actual victory belongs to things that simply do not see failure.
Like, it is very very easy to say that, but it’s all fun and games until that failure is right in front of you and thrown in your face every single day. There are just some failures that you can’t avoid, they’re inevitable and they suck. I wish I had an answer for this. It ultimately comes back to perspective though and how you interpret things. If you look at your losses and see them as a new door to growth, little mindhacks like that can change the entire way you perceive losing. I don’t remember the last time I “lost”, cause everything that hasn’t been a “win” for me has gotten me closer to one.
In the same way how I interpreted that a win is just someone else’s loss, I thought that happiness just means that someone else is sad. I’m still contemplating whether this is a 1-to-1 analogy/connection.
I asked Olivia about it who I thought would have a good perspective on it and she referred me to this:
According to Toda, relative happiness describes the more common, but also more transient concept of happiness. It’s the one that we look for outside of ourselves — in people, things, accomplishments, and so on. Though it’s easier to attain, it’s also ultimately not sustainable. It doesn’t last, and we find ourselves craving more.
Absolute happiness describes a kind of happiness or sustained joy that you find within yourself. It doesn’t rely on people, places, things, or goals — and so it is stable through the flux of life. Unlike relative happiness, it doesn’t fade due to circumstances, and it makes both your life and the lives of others richer. It’s absolute happiness that we should be chasing, and actually, that’s the great thing about it: we don’t have to chase it
<
So like, while I may not necessarily believe in this or agree with it, it is a cool distinction to make and it made me self-reflect on, “Is the happiness that I’m feeling in this current moment relative, or absolute?”
For me, I interpret it as a short-term happiness (relative) thing vs long-term (absolute). The Medium article states that you want to pursue absolute happiness, as that internal source within is more reliable, while relative happiness isn’t sustainable.
This is what Olivia said about this:
"So I do kind of like this article because I think I’ve felt both relatively happy and absolutely happy (and have also lost both at some point). However, I guess the idea of absolute happiness irks me a bit because it suggests that people can be happy under any circumstances and (while that miiight be true?), I feel like it dismisses a lot of concerns that should be addressed."
I get where the Medium writer is coming from, but I don’t agree that short-term happiness should not be sought after. That contradicts everything I believe in when it comes to mindfulness. Yes, absolute happiness is built off of hope, and it’s very very important to have hope and optimism for the future, but being able to appreciate this current moment, finding happiness in this current moment, and being mindful in this current moment is just as valid as the former.
Whatever screen that you’re reading this on right now, you are quite literally present in your own moment, and you deserve to appreciate the now. Whatever you're listening to, whatever you’re wearing, THIS literal moment you have to remember how to appreciate, because it's these aspects of your life that'll affect your NEAR future, not 1-2 years down the road. Appreciate your CURRENT and PRESENT happiness because it is well deserved. If you don't learn to prepare yourself for this present moment you won't know how to prepare yourself for the future.
So ultimately, this sounds weird but if you really care about improving the future, the best thing you can do for your future self is to be there FOR your present self right now. That means to purely receive your moments of happiness right now without thinking about if it's temporary or not.
Again, I will repeat this: I ask that everyone reading this says this next sentence out loud, even if you’re in your room by yourself, just saying out loud subconsciously registers it in your brain in a different way, and it serves a deeper reaffirmation:
I should and will appreciate my happiness because it is well-deserved.
I should and will appreciate my happiness because it is well-deserved.
I deserve happiness, and I deserve to feel happy.
I deserve happiness, and I deserve to feel happy.
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While your wins may implicate someone else’s losses, and while your happiness may implicate someone else’s sadness, know that those CANNOT undermine your wins. I mean, sure, in the picture perfect movie scenario, there will be times where you can downplay your win to amplify the next guy’s voice, but there will also be many times where you just have to be like, “You know what, this is my moment and I will take it for myself.”
It really does sound like a dick move and douchey to do. This may definitely seem like it has some conceited energy to it. But I promise you that’s not my intention; putting yourself first and recognizing/appreciating your wins need to be at the forefront of your life.
Especially in this climate where it seems like everyone’s down bad and everyone’s on an L streak, what I think everyone needs right now is a reminder on how to truly take in your victories, as well as a reminder that you DESERVE to celebrate your wins.
