20 years old | Moving forward | Last post on Mindofisaiah

I actually don't know how to start this off, so I guess I'll start with a simple "thank you".

Thank you to anyone reading this, Thank you to anyone who's told me "happy birthday", whether it's in person or message. And thank you to anyone who's been rocking with me. Y'all know I've changed a lot, and I always continue to change. 

But as a wise Kobe Bryant would say, I'm a different animal, and the same beast. Despite how much I'm growing and adapting to the various environments life throws me with, I'm always certain of who and what I am. And that's not a trait I was always able to boast.

Around this time last year I was literally just coming back to social media. Literally. And it's kind of interesting to see that, a year later, I'm now leaving social media. It was late December 2017 that I left all of my social medias and pretty much ghosted the world for a hot 3 months. I didn't respond to any of my friend's messages, I avoided anyone whenever I could, and I just stayed to myself. I had a good head of hair that I was growing on me, but I shaved all of it off, cause I just didn't know who I was, and I didn't know who I was becoming anymore. 

I'll go more in-depth about that breakdown one day once I feel like I've truly lived it down, cause I'm trying to focus on the now. Following my 19th birthday, I started focusing more maintaining the creative side of me and making sure it was true to myself. Something I realized during 19 was that, during 18, I used to create everything with the idea that everything needed to become some sort of product. Whatever I made, I had to release it so anyone and everyone could see.

But that should not be the way you approach your creative efforts. You should make creative efforts because you want to. Because you feel that this is the optimal way to express yourself. Or if you just feel like you could make something hot. The intention should never be to attain exposure because of it or from it. Now, my things have never been made to "blow up", I just made it cause I want to. But I used to make these things in a way that were designed to be accessible enough to blow up, if that makes sense.

I adjusted my process after I saw this photo. I don't remember when specifically, but I think it was sometime around summer 2018:

At some point down the road, I lost sight of why I was a creator and why I was making stuff. Whatever it was, it no longer was because I wanted to. 

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Now things are different though. Taking a break from anything creative was much-needed. Albeit, I have written a bunch of verses during my downtime which is great cause I'm excited to put them to use, but I never went out of my way to make anything hot. If it came to me, it did and I'd just ride off of that energy until it was gone.

Disclaimer: This is not a message to not go 110%. Cause you still need to have those sleepless nights and days of constant, nonstop work. That's still a given and you should still expect to go all out if you're really about this. Fortunately for me, I'm in a position that I'm not expected to make or do anything, I'm just a 19-year old boy who's just making things cause he wants to. But there are a lot of writers and musicians who rely on their art as an occupation; with that comes deadlines, and y'all know how much I hate deadlines.

Arguably my greatest quote ever is "You can't rush greatness." And I still believe that is true. The greatest things ever came with time. 

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Why I'm leaving social media

Me and Stephanie were having a conversation a couple weeks ago about creativity, straining your art and going into a sort of "block". As I mentioned before, I've been on a creative break recently, and part of that is due to her. I realized that I was putting in too much time into whatever I wanted, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with being deeply invested in your craft, the downfall of that was that I was no longer looking after my relationships.

I realized I was lowkey falling off with the people that I care about. Of course, my relationships with the real ones in my life are low effort ones and I don't need to justify or validate my friendship with anyone. But there are a lot of people in my life that I'm willing to go that extra mile for, and it took me a bit to realize I was no longer showing love how I wanted to. 

I needed to cultivate the community around me. I know there are people out here that need me, and I had to be there for them. By me halting all of my projects, I was able to reach out to a bunch of people within the past 2-3 months. People that I haven't talked to in a very long time, but are still very important people, I wanted to catch up with them. And it was so worth it. 

I never thought about how many people want me to win. I've spent so much time rooting for others and helping others evolve, that I forgot to reflect on myself and think about how many people are actually out here for me, you know what I mean? If you're even reading this blog post that's really all the validation I need. Whether you're interested enough or curious enough to come all the way out here, it shows me that you want to see what I have to say and think. (It doesn't literally show me, though. I can't see who specifically reads these, but I kind of like that anonymity. People can freely come here without being tracked, and I never overthink about who did or who didn't look at my stuff.)

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One of the most interesting things for me personally is looking back at who I was 1 year ago or 2 years ago, and seeing how much I've grown and changed since then. It's insane knowing that I'm on such a high level, yet I have so much higher to go. I'm literally only 20 years old man, and it feels like I've experienced so much of a lifetime. I can't even imagine what it'll be like when I'm 30 and with 2 dogs or something. 

But I look back at the people who starting fucking with me early on, around 16, 17, 18. And I think about who I was back then, and why people really resonated with it. Because looking at me now, I'm lightyears ahead of who I was when I was like 17 and it's not even close.

To all of the people out here who knew me back then and my junior year English teacher, I can't help but ask, why did you believe in me? What did you see in me that others didn't? I possibly couldn't imagine someone investing in young me.

And I say that humbly. Cause I'm so different from last year. And it's not even close. I continue to learn. I continue to change. I continue to grow. 

And you should always be pursuing that. I'm always trying to one up myself every year, and I can safely say I accomplished that with 19. It was a really good year. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my hair growth, and I talked about that on my Instagram story. I have a spiritual connection to hair, on some Samson type shit. As I gained more hair, I gained more confidence as well. And I feel like I'm semi-unstoppable. I've stopped working out to focus on school and stuff, I plan to get back at it. One of my friends wanted to 1v1 in basketball - we're having a lowkey 1v1 series right now - but I had to tell them I've retired and taken a hiatus in basketball. Which was weak af on my part, but I had no regrets at the time cause I was focusing on other aspects of my life. Perhaps my lack of physical activity is why I've felt super exhausted for no reason. I remember I used to have literal muscles 1-2 years ago, and now my arm is just like a flabby stick. I could flex and I'd see super defined muscles and veins and all that; there isn't even a curve to my bicep now, and that's gotta change. 

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I always deactivate my Facebook on my birthday, cause I don't want those people to congratulate me. It doesn't seem genuine to me, they're usually the ones who post "Happy Birthday!!! 🎂❤" on every person whose birthday is that day, and they only know about their birthday because it's on their Facebook feed. I'm not expecting anyone to remember that my birthday is today, cause we all know so many people, but it's just one of those moments like, Who really cares about me like that, and who'll go out of their way to tell me "Happy Birthday"?

To be completely honest, I don't really like the birthday hype. Just cause I hate the attention. I appreciate my parents putting me on a pedestal for the day, but it's still the real world in my eyes and the real world's always moving. There's still so much for me to do, I'm not really for the whole balloon thing. All of my friends are either in school today or going for a job interview. That's a boss move in my eyes. But if y'all are on spring break like I am, then obviously I'm not gonna hold you. 

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Despite all of the negative experiences we go through in life, you always gotta remember the end vision and overcome it all. I've gone through a bunch of sh*t, as have you. But everything has a purpose, so me still being here after everything I've been through has to stand for something. And besides, all of these hardships will make for some compelling stories when we're older. I'm still living through the hardships as I speak so I'm not gonna explicitly speak on it now, but I'm very content with my life and I'm not worried about my future or anything. I don't remember the last time I worried, because worrying doesn't do anything good for you.

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Here are some songs that I like right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYWOwwUoNyw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUmV-MorIKc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fp0BScQSSvg

https://youtu.be/9LnYcrVdoNg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRsqV0CZ86A

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7v9KuFutUU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDqvO3Lb_As

https://youtu.be/yi2B0PFj-OQ

https://youtu.be/05UM-i4PuOY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epGDVeNzWNs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le63SacwFNs

(These are all random songs that I've been listening to, this by no means constitutes as a playlist.)

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I just needed a spot to shoutout my mom. So much of my calm mind and emotion comes from her.

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This is the last post on MindOfIsaiah.blogspot.com. I thought I'd have the new website up and running by my birthday, but it's apparent that that's not gonna happen. So the new website will have to stay a mystery for now. I wanted hella new writings on that one, but I haven't had time to even finish one of them, I started 4 different things and the farthest I've gotten on one is the J. Cole one, and I'm still on the Kendrick Lamar part of that post, so maybe that'll give an idea about how not done I am.

That's just a lifelong theme of mine: There's always so much more to do.

I want to make and do something great, but it's gonna take a bunch of time. That's why I'm constantly trying work towards it. Today I found out my phone's gonna be delayed again and it's not gonna come until April, and that was a huge, huge bummer. Cause I'm really excited for it. I know it sounds super corny, but it's more than just a phone to me, it's my gateway to the online world. And I know how to restrain myself - that's why I'm leaving social media with ease - but it's just been a really long time since I've had an upgrade. I'll be able to do so much more. 

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I ended up not bringing back all of my story posts. This is a pretty lazy move on my part, I can't lie, but I didn't realize how many different rants I've gone on over the years. I had to scroll up literal years to find my first one, and the thing is that I don't like to read my previous rants. I will, at some point, cause I'll want to see where my mind was at then, but I don't really have time for reminiscing like that. There are so many things I want to do and gotta do right now.

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The music I'm making right now is something I'm proud of so far. It's definitely a process, but it's something I'm proud of so far. It's gonna be 5 songs and it's slated to be called Demonstrations EP. Right now I have Roland on a track, but I'm trying to get Kenan & Anthony on one as well, they're the only people I can envision on this song cause it's wildin'. I don't wanna say much more about it, hopefully I'd rather show than just tell what is expected to happen.

I don't want to come back to social media until I have all of it done. That's the goal I am setting for myself. Hopefully I can hold myself to it. Cause I know social media can be addicting. After every sentence I check my Instagram to see if anyone has tagged me in something or liked any of my posts. And I got really excited cause a random account started stalking and liking all of my rap posts. Then I was like, "What if another person sees my account and starts liking stuff?" And it's just an endless chain of social media addiction. I'm being fueled by fake dopamine and it's sad that I enjoy it. I enjoy it, but I know that I don't like it. That's not the primary reason I'm leaving, though. If I really got tired of it all I could just leave whenever and not tell anybody. I mean, I don't really need a reason to leave social media, nor do I really need to tell anybody, but I still feel like I owe y'all to some degree. 

Having any kind of platform is a big enough blessing, and I'm grateful enough to have the writing and creative abilities I have, as well as the infrastructure of technology at hand, to be typing all of this stuff on a $1,200 laptop to post on an online website where it shall forever remain for internet wanderers to accidentally stumble upon and find themselves landed on a gem of consciousness, truth, vulnerability actuality. Swag too, but that's just part of the intangibles. 

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What will the 20's hold for me? Will I finally want a girlfriend this year? Will I be on some SZA type shit? Will I have an existential crisis of sorts? Probably, and I'll most likely have a lot of downfalls. But for now, I calmly and contently remain in the present, as there's no need to overthink about what hasn't happened yet. I bet 21 will be even wilder, as I'll be able to legally drink then, but I don't have any actual plans of drinking anything, to be honest. Too many lives around me have been destroyed because of drinking, but I digress. This is about me, and this is about me being excited for what's to come. 

My grandma's lived through lifetimes, my mom's lived through lifetimes and my dad's lived through lifetimes. They've made sacrifices that I can't even imagine so me and my siblings can succeed. I can't let them down and I won't. I know that they won't see my perspective and where I'm coming from, as they won't for my brother and sister, but I believe that it some point in time it will be clear to them who I am and what I'm trying to do for this world. Cause there's a lot of darkness out here, and one man can't change the entire world, but one man can change one person's entire world. If my thoughts and feelings can help impact someone out here, someone reading this, then I'm content. And that's why I love the anonymity part of this; I don't know who my writings are actually helping, so I safely assume that this hasn't helped anyone, yet. That's why I continue to write and write and create and create in hopes that I can change someone's world with simple words of mine. It's crazy, as beautifully complex the concept of complexion, the most beauteous beauty comes in simplicity, as the simplicity of simplicity is what makes simplicity so complex. Don't let that one go over your head.

I continue to change the game, and change the culture. There's so much more in store for me, and so much more in store for you. A lot of people overlook their abilities and downplay them. Flaunt your shit, man. So many of y'all have some cool ass qualities about yourself that I wish I had. I love myself, but I'd kill to be in your shoes for one day.

Thank you to anyone who's vulnerable enough with me to allow me to connect with you. I don't take it for granted that you're that comfortable, and I don't take it for granted that you trust me enough that you believe in me to help you with whatever you're dealing with. We're all human, I'm no god, and I want y'all to know that I am human alongside you. No matter how wise or "visionary" I may seem, I'm just a kid experiencing the game of life at the same time as you. A lot of us are going through very similar experiences, though we do not express it as much. A lot of us subconsciously resonate with one another through the unconscious. And we won't know how closely connected we are with another unless we converse with one another and realize how genuinely golden and communal we are.

And we won't know how closely connected we are with another unless we converse with one another and realize how genuinely golden and communal we are.

That's my "goal" for this writing, if I had one. Actually, no, I take that back. Interpret this however you want to. There are a bunch of scattered thoughts and far off memories in this post, with so much beneath the surface. And y'all won't be able to decode all of that. I wish I could be able to show all of you guys everything, but the truth is that there's a lot to my mind that just stays in my mind, and there are levels to this that only I can comprehend. This probably sounds like super pretentious filler right now, like the Izeezus version of Lorem Ipsum, but these are real sentiments that are valued to me. They're subject to change, but at the current point in my life, these thoughts are how I express and perceive myself and I'm content with it being this way. I've always had a deep connection to writing, it's my favorite way to get it all out. I think the beauty of it is that there are so many ideas behind writing, so many different approaches, and what makes it so great is the accessibility aspect of it. Anyone can write anything at anytime. In the same way, because of the internet, anyone can create anything at anytime. And I think that's a super cool, privileged and scary platform we have on our hands. My parents never got to experience this life that we're living, and perhaps that is why they're so insensitive to the first-generation, first-world issues that I and many other contemporaries go through today. Cause back then for them, there was never an emphasized discussion on mental health, in my opinion the biggest problem that our generation goes through. Mental health is downplayed for a lot of these oldheads cause in their time, they didn't have time to worry about mental health. They could be living on the edge of life or death on a day-to-day basis. And that's such a crazy life to think about. Imagine not being able to think your thoughts out thoroughly because you're too busy trying to scavenge food or figure out how you're gonna pass the day without being caught up in critical situations, familial or non-familial. They were never taught to enrich the mind as much as we are, and we can't take that for granted. We have to acknowledge our privilege, we have to acknowledge our roots and we have to acknowledge what brought us here.

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At the time of me writing this, I'm in my second year of college, still pursuing an English major (?). As time keeps going on I keep doubting if I want to be in higher education right now, or if I even need it, just because of all the the debt in loans I'm racking up. I'm unsure right now how much worth there is right now, but I having a fun time so I guess I can't really complain. Although in the time I've been here I haven't really learned too much out here. I realized that college isn't about actually reaching a heightened sense of education and awareness (unless you're in STEM, y'all are fucking wizards and doing some hard ass stuff that I could never do. Too smart for your own good), but instead is about credentialism and gaining connections. It's crazy to think that someone can have a spectacular skillset, but won't be considered on the same plane as someone who has a piece of paper that states he/she attended university for X years. The culture is changing, and as technology continues to only become more advanced, the entire dynamic of the education system will change. I hope it'll change in time for my kids to have an actually enriching experience. Not discrediting any of the great teachers in my time, y'all really helped develop and create my writing my skills into the person I am today. 

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You don't always realize how much you'll change the game. Anyone can be doing this. The literal person reading this can surpass me on so many different aspects and levels. However, are you willing to put the work in and dive into the deepest of your introspection? The only reason I'm like this is cause I've just spent so much time by myself. I have emotions and thoughts and it's really weird when you have no one to relay that onto. That's why the arts and infrastructural platforms are so important to me. Here I have a voice. You'll lose your voice a lot of times in life, but the greatest spurts of growth happen within that dark period. 

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growth | Growth | growth

Such an important concept to me during 19. I wonder what life theme will apply to me this upcoming year.

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There's so much more I need to say, man. This is just the beginning of it all (I feel like I've said that so many times now, but it's true to me). This has never been about me, I'm trying to do this for us. Hopefully I have changed you in some way, in a positive way that is. I just want to make y'all proud with the things I make.

I'm going into 20 with a super positive energy, optimistic mindset and opportunistic vision. But I gotta manifest all of this into real life product and material. That is one of my goals for this year, hopefully I will be able to do so.

I'll be back soon. Thank you. Next time y'all see me writing, it'll be on the new website. And I'll be back better than ever.

To the future,

Isaiah, Izeezus, whatever you know me as

Thursday night

I look around and I see
Communities not for me
Community's not for me
But I look back and feel content knowing
That I have a friend in continuity
Continuity's for me
Continuities for me

Felt inspired to write a poem tonight, I thought it was pretty truthful.

The unfortunate reality is that we haven't reached a point where people aren't getting shamed for not pursuing higher education. I'm in higher education currently. Do I want to be in higher education currently? I'm not sure. Cause to be honest, right now I'm only doing it because if I don't my parents would disown me. I feel like I'm subconsciously doing it because there's a stigma around dropouts. Even if people wouldn't express it straight up, to some extent they do look down on you. Which is the unfortunate reality. I realized this as I was talking to one of my friends and through our convo, I sensed that he wouldn't see me as an equal if I dropped out of college and did my own things (we were discussing me wanting to leave).

I'm definitely learning important and cool things now. I have to disclaim that. I'm not talking down on anyone pursuing a higher education, because there are a lot of smart people who are going into the right fields. I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off a debt with a bail-out job that doesn't make enough to pay off that debt for a while. That's a reality. I don't want it to be a resort.

Because if I assume that as a resort, I'm telling myself that I won't be able to find success with my own creative projects. I'd be lying to myself and I wouldn't be believing in myself.

I really don't care if people would hate on me. I just don't have time for the energy of people trying to convince me to stay in college or pursue a specific career path, just cause in their perspective that's what's right to do. Only you know what's right for you. Whether you go out to make that a truth, that's on you.

2018: Looking Back but Headed Forward

Too slow for the rest of my people
But too fast to get up myself


That's a line for one of the things I'm writing. It kind of reflects my year with 2018. 2018 was a wild year, man. Quite the polarizing one if I do say so myself. So much stuff happened too, and I don't know if I'll be able to describe all of it in this take. Once again, another revolving theme in my life - I always feel like there's so much more to say, and so I always feel like I'm never saying enough, never doing enough.

Also, before I continue, I know Anthony and Sarah's birthdays were a few days ago and I didn't tell them happy birthday. I don't feel bad about it because I know they're both doing good in life and they don't need my cosign, but it was still something worth mentioning, so shoutout to them. Though I wonder if either of them would want to be placed in the same category with one another. But I digress.

I've been sitting here thinking about how to start this. So I'll start with the beginning of the year. I deleted all of my social media presence and ghosted the world until my birthday. I didn't like anything about myself and I had to start everything over, with no eyes on me. There were plenty of people who remembered me during my first semester @ UIC, but here I was with no hair and no sense of myself. I lost all of my identity because of a breakdown that occurred in the end of December.

January 25, one of the few selfies I took in the beginning of the year. I hated looking at myself. My head was shaven and I had to get really bad glasses because my dad didn't have enough money at the time to get the glasses I wanted. This was one of the earliest indications that I knew I was gonna get a job to buy for myself whatever I wanted. 

I felt super lost, confused and insecure during this time. I know they say appearance doesn't matter and confidence is key, but so much of my confidence came with my hair and my aviator glasses. If you look closely I also had a couple of acne blemishes on my forehead back then because of stress. They're gone now, but throughout the month of January, I never took this hood face mask thing off. I didn't want anyone to see my face and see who I was or what I was like. Y'all can see me in my professor's tweet around 15 seconds into the video. Literally everyone in that class knew me as the kid with the mask. I didn't take it off at all, until I got new glasses in March, but I'll get into that later.

January 27 - even when I hung out with my friends (which still wasn't very often), I wore the mask.

February 16 - this was the BH concert in Milwaukee. I got tickets for Roland's birthday. It was the first time he saw me in a while and asked a lot of questions.

March 18 - Richmond's birthday, the first selfie I took since the previous one above. This is not the most generous photo of me, as the big nose pimple is right in the middle of my face (I was sooooooo insecure of that pimple) and I had a very weak beard. I had not shaven it once the entire year. I was on a "IDGAF" mode and since I had the mask on the entire time no one would've noticed.

But this was a slow beginning to the return. Though it wasn't much, the slight hair growth and new glasses was the return of me. 

Easter - wow, me and my brother really switched up the wave by the end of the year. We glew up. Well actually, my brother's never not glown, so I glew up. 

The first three months of 2018 were long as hell for me. I didn't talk to anyone outside my family / close friends, I didn't play PS4 during that time, I just remained by myself that entire. While I always prefer being alone and am always content with it, in the first quarter of 2018 I felt lonely. I did read the entirety of Tokyo Ghoul and Re though. I had so much free time. I remembered 9 was clowning me cause I skipped classes just to finish reading it.

Following my birthday, I made the return to IG and Snapchat. I began talking to my friends again and was more social. While I still didn't feel like myself, I knew that I was headed in the right direction. For a hot minute, I felt like Luke from Tales of the Abyss when he cut his hair.

I started smiling again. In the time I was gone, I cut everybody off, including the people that cared about me. After beginning to relearn that I did matter and that I was important, I started to have a more positive outlook on like, and that radiance reflected through my appearance. I was glad to once again post up in pictures. I was slowly getting back on my cute sh*t!

 

April 28, Les Mis and Avengers 4, a lot of that month went by casually. I liked these selfies I took, I was kind of gassed up no lie.

May 15 - This day was really fun, we posted up at the MCA because free entry. You can't turn that down. I had a really fun time because I took some funny pictures of 9.

September 11 - I took that on the day of some Urban Studies project. It was really just a hair update.

 September 24 - When I got myself together finally, and decided to leave social media once more. I started to understand things again.

October 5- The day Jason Van Dyke was found guilty, me and Haseeb pulled up to City Hall that night. It was a monumental day in history, the police officers were nice enough to let us go inside and take some pics despite City Hall being closed. I had to be there the day it happened, I almost started crying in my English class when I was watching off of Alex's phone when they found him guilty.

October 12 - We got Matthew to eat sushi with us, something he despises! Although, it doesn't help that he ordered the nastiest sushi on the menu, so I don't think he's ever gonna come with us again. 

November 4 - I finally came back to social media!

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If you noticed, there are a lot of empty spots in that "timeline". That's because this was one of the first times then I stopped posting impulsively to social media, just to have something posted. A lot of people knew of Izeezus and of me because of my consistent social media presence. Whether it was Instagram feeds and music posts or Snapchat rants in an attempt to inspire people, I felt like I had to keep that image for such a long time to maintain my relevancy. At some point along the way I realized that relevancy doesn't matter; as long as my authenticity was in check, the real friends and the real ones would remain through it all. I left all of my group chats too, it's just an energy that I'm not able to keep up with.

I remember the month of March being really awesome. March is generally a good month every year because that's when my birthday is so I'm always on some positive vibes. This year it was just a lot of fun because of the Black Panther craze. I went to the Field Museum for a school assignment, I cleaned myself up for my birthday, got new glasses, went on a birthday brunch with Adrian and Matthew (who currently holds one of the ugliest photos of me), Clark County's YooHoo commercial dropped, I went to Stephanie's opera performance, and probably more stuff that I forgot about. 

Stephanie's a good person and now that she's on my mind I'm thinking about other high school friends as I write this. Something a lot of people suffer from is comparing themselves to another. Whether it's accomplishments they've achieved within their first 1.5 years of college, or simply even what their college experience is like so far, I wouldn't be surprised if people would see them and be upset with where they are. Fortunately, I've never worried about that, and I do have to reiterate that I'm fortunate that I've never worried about that. The closest I've seen is my rich friends living lavishly in California (where I want to be at in the future), and I think, "Damn, imagine if I was in California right now away from everyone." But I'm really privileged to be where I'm at right now. The resources around me are too good to me currently, and I don't know if I'm ready to leave everything behind just like that. I feel like OCC kids compare themselves to other students who are dorming at some nice rich university, and I wish these circumstances weren't the case, because of the social stigma OCC has today, overthinking is quite a downfall, and it's really wack in my opinion. So many people are drowning themselves in thousands of dollars in debt just for a "college experience". But this is all overthinking on my part as well. 

I really hope Roland knows what he wants to do. He doesn't really take anything seriously and he keeps focusing on the wrong things. One can argue that it's his life and he knows what's good and bad for him, but I constantly see him influenced by objectively negative things. And as his friend I have to speak up and tell him against these things, even if he doesn't listen. 

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You don't need me to let you know about the deaths that occurred in 2018. Legends like Stan Lee and Stephen Hillenburg and so many more lost their lives this year, but one that really impacted me (most of y'all already know who's upcoming) was the death of XXXTentacion. I made a whole tribute post on Facebook about it, and I really recommend that you read it, I wrote it in a way that would hopefully change your perspective on it.

His passing was one of the few times I cried this year. Like actual bawling and tears and everything. I know there are a bunch of girls reading this and rolling their eyes at me but his music impacted me a lot and for that I'm grateful to him. I'm sure I have some discovery bias to him, as I used to listen to him way before he blew up. I remember putting all my friends on him. There was a really funny time in Master's Choir when Look At Me was slowly rising, and me and my friends got people in the class to listen to the first 10 seconds of the song on full bass boost. We got some funny ass reactions from it. However, this isn't an XXX tribute post, this is a year review and I needed to mention him.

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I felt like this year was the year of fake woke people and mental health.

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I really enjoyed the music that dropped this year. 2018 was a polarizing year for hip-hop, with several artists passing and the influx of good music (no pun intended). KSG, Negro Swan, TA13OO, Astroworld, and many more. Outside of hip-hop I did decide to give KPOP a chance and now I'm absolutely obsessed with Blackpink. When they dropped "AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST" last year, I was like "Aww, this is cute as hell!" Then when I heard "DDU-DU DDU-DU", I realized they weren't playing games. They really pulled up with a bedazzled tank in the music video! I'm so obsessed with BP that I follow like 3 Lalisa fanpages on Instagram now, she's the dopest and most versatile member in my opinion. But for the most part I enjoyed the year. Of course there were some L's, like 6ix9ine's antics that finally landed him in jail, Rocky's disappointing ass TESTING, the Ameer Vann controversy (I met Brockhampton this year so that was cool too!), big flops like Queen and EVERYTHING IS LOVE (both of their fanbases are delusional stans who idolize their respective artists and disregard any valid criticisms towards their saviors), and the unfortunate amount of L's that Ariana Grande took this year. "Thank u, next" is a banger but Ariana Grande is still annoying as hell and I don't really care for her. I do admire her strength, courage and resilience though. To able to overcome all that she went through and drop a #1 hit is pretty outstanding, she got my respect and cosign for that. I wasn't very fond of "This is America" but I'm happy that CG was able to drop a #1 hit. I really like "Feels Like Summer" and its video though. And shout out Ludwig Goransson for doing the score for Black Panther, that was wild. 

Also, Frank Ocean will always be Frank Ocean. When he dropped the CDQ of Endless it was over for these hoes. I really be listening to too much of Blonde and Endless. 

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Oh my god Spiderverse!!! Sunflower!!! Spiderverse!!!!

(In all seriousness I've had Sunflower on loop for the majority of writing this, major props to that song it's one of my faves)

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The whole Kanye x Trump situation collab had so many L's on it. It's actually kind of interesting. A bunch of my conservative followers told me they like my account because I'm never posting political stuff. It's probably cause they hate seeing people get mad at their president on social media all the time. Social media is primarily liberal, anyways. But just because I didn't really post about Trump doesn't mean I don't have any thoughts on him. He's still a really dumb president and he's not for the people. Kanye cosigning him was a huge L too, everyone was on Kanye's ass and it was really hard to defend him. As a Kanye fan, it was quite embarrassing for me to see someone I admire so much just switch up on me like that. And like I said it was really hard to defend him, in all of my classes I had to pull all the strings just to prove to people that I wasn't a delusional stan, and that Kanye's going through some real sh*t. People always forget that he's going through a bunch of mental health issues, and while that doesn't exactly excuse him for literally hugging the president, we can't take it out of the equation. 

He still made really good music though.

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This year I started working at Dollar Tree. It's honestly been one of the best things to happen to me in 2018. It's a well-paying job, super flexible hours, all the employees are chill (there's no one my age except for Adrian who I put on) and it's right by my house. It's a less than 5 minute drive, and in the summer I walked there just because I could (weird flex but ok). I remember it was like my second week and they asked if I'm down to do some overnight shifts, because they were rearranging the entire store and they needed help moving all the items around. The first night I rearranged all the gift bags and had to separate them based on occasion. A hot caramel DD coffee really came in clutch for me that night. It was really fun because no one cared if you were on your phone because there was no one to disturb, as we're all working together, so I was on aux duty. Of course I played some good ass music, but I played a lot of accessible stuff like SZA so everyone wouldn't get weirded out by me; keep in mind that this was a lot of people's near-first impression on me. At some point in that night I video-called Adrian who was unable to sleep (he didn't work at Dollar Tree in the summer, he only got put on sometime during the Fall semester of school), he was talking about how he was unsure about what career he wanted to pursue. Up until that point he was considering being an orthodontist, but lowkey both us knew that that wasn't gonna be the move. Ultimately I think he decided on something in the engineering area, and to my knowledge he's still pursuing that so I'm happy that conversation somewhat led him in a direction.

It's been half a year at Dollar Tree, and I don't plan leaving anytime soon. I still commute to school and I worked on the weekends so it worked out good. Dollar Tree is moving to a new location at the end of January so I'm excited to see the change. I'm a cashier there and every now and then I "recover" the store, meaning I make it look nice and put misplaced items back where they belong. Since it's at a local location I'm always seeing people that I know there so there are often pleasant surprises pretty much every day I go there.

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I guess I gotta add some obligatory shoutouts here, because if you didn't think that you might've gotten mentioned in this, why would you be reading this? Do you actually value the things I have to say and are genuinely reading this out of curiosity and with no expectations? Lmao imagine. But if there are actually any of y'all like that that I don't really know, I can't think of much to say other than thank you.

Adrian - That's the boy and my best friend, without him I really wouldn't be here, like alive literally. He's by my side since literal day 1 and literally during school which is quite the blessing. Really keeps me grounded and indirectly teaches me compassion on a daily basis. Though he's really uninformed about so many things, as he teaches me things it's only fair for me to teach him about a bunch of stuff as well.

9 - He's tall as hell and I love him. I like to cuddle with him a lot. He's really tall and big and cute. He put me on Jojo and I've only watched 6 episodes but I really do appreciate him. He's my favorite person to annoy because he puts up with my bullsh*t all the time, and he appreciates video games and memes like I do. I always hug him and I like him a lot. I feel grateful that I have friends like him and Adrian that deal with me and tolerate my presence.

Javi - The big. There's a lot within his complex that is at unrest, but he continues to learn more about the world and himself every day. The self-proclaimed bodyguard, he does anything and everything to ensure the well-being of me and the boys. Though he's annoying and clingy at times, I know it's out of worry and care for us. He needs us just as much as we need him, despite neither of the two groups realizing it. While he boasts physicality as his selling point, I anticipate that 2019 brings on a deeper focus of mentality in his life.

Matthew - I love Matthewman. Just like 9, he's big and tall as hell and I love to cuddle with him. He's always busy with his girlfriend and school and Best Buy and Noodles & Company and Ignite Gaming so I never see him but whenever I do I never take it for granted. Although recently in winter break I was playing Mario Party with the boys on Matthew's new Nintendo Switch, which is a godsend. I hope he continues to find happiness through his girlfriend, since that seems to be a non-toxic relationship so far. She doesn't do any drugs so I'm support of her for that.

Zach - Shoutout 3. No one gets my Kingdom Hearts love like he does. He also appreciates sushi.

Dan  - My #1 source of life. Ok.

Osama - Didn't really connect with him much this year as I quit all my group chats and he's super busy making internship and engineering moves, but I'm sure he's doing well. I hope his mental health is at a good state. He deals with a lot of bullsh*t and I feel bad about it, I can only hope that he can manifest that into something positive.

Haseeb - I didn't even know Haseeb goes to the same school as me, which was funny as hell to me for some reason. Whenever I see him I just start laughing. He's the biggest LeBron stan I know so I gotta respect him for that.

Roland - He's busy with life and being a senior and being dumb as hell so I'll let him do him. I'm not really fond of the lifestyle that he's living right now cause he's very deaf to the important things around him. I can literally say whatever I want about him here because I know he'll never read it. I still love him though. One of the few people I know who currently has endless potential. I really hope he gets it all together and snaps one time for the one time. I hate saying that someone makes me proud, but Roland is one of the few people that I'm proud of. Love the boy. But he's falling off right now.

Alex - She's my literal college best friend. We purposely scheduled our classes so we could be together and it was one of the best decisions of 2018 because I really wouldn't have been able to tolerate the semester if it weren't for her. She really carried me in the 3 classes we had together. I love her a lot and it's pretty upsetting that we have no classes together next semester but I know it's not the end of our friendship. She's too important in my life for me to leave her behind in 2018.

Anthony - We don't connect much but it's nothing but love. A lot of people hate on him for the wrong reasons. He definitely has reasons to be hated on but people look at the wrong side of things. With that said, he has too much talent for me not to keep an eye on him. I don't really believe in Acting and theatre degrees and all that but I trust in whatever he's doing because if anyone knows what the move is, it's him.

Richmond - Shoutout Richmond for obvious reasons.

Julia - Shoutout Julia for obvious reasons.

Grace - One of my favorite people to talk to. We have absolutely nothing in common so perhaps that's why I'm so attracted to her. Everything she does is presented with a bliss elegance, and everything I've seen her pull off is strikingly executed. I only saw her for a split second once this year but maybe that's for a good reason, although I'd hope it's not. For now I guess I'll admire her from afar, although I know that the love is always mutual.

Stephanie - She's on a wave that I don't understand, similar to Grace. She has genuine, good intentions and creative endeavors that I'm willing to support. Her dad's pretty cool so that's probably subconsciously giving me a bias towards her. Regardless, I might be giving her too much credit but I'm sure that there's a lot more to her that none of us know about, and who knows, maybe she'll unleash it in 2019?

Jacki - I hungout with one of my first best friends ever this summer!!! My literal first best friend. Wow. I wouldn't be the same without her, she's really the reason why I grew to be very outspoken. Too much admiration and love for her. Her family's too dope as well, I love her dad. I love her. Too much. Shoutout Nothingman.

Kenan - I always take credit for whatever Kenan accomplishes just cause I cast him in Director's Studio. So your welcome, Kenan. I birthed you. He has a crazy future and a skillset I wish I had. Also at the time of this publication he has a healthy relationship with Leah so as long as they're happy, I'm straight.

Allison - I never really understood the relationship I have with Allison. It's a really weird one, and I honestly can't even figure out if she's reading this blog. She's on that "I don't like any of your pictures but I'm always peeping your Instagram story" level. I don't really know how to interpret that but I still like her. She's super super pretty, and I respect her resilience towards a lot of things. Once she taps into her true dancing form it'll be an exciting sight to see. I wonder if it'll ever awaken though.

Shannon - She told me that at Coffeehouse that she reads my blog posts so I'm very grateful for that one. I love her a lot and I wish I had a friend like her throughout my high school career. She's everything I'd want as a friend. The day I met Demetrious Harmon, she was performing at Millenium Park that day, and I coincidentally saw Roland getting flowers for her on my way home. I ended up watching it with Roland and she snapped. She's more than just a dancer though, I'm certain. While I've never pieced apart her mind, I feel like her mind's just a ticking time bomb full of thoughts that need to be expressed. I really hope she expresses them at some point, without doing so she's not gonna reach her prime. She's too versatile of a person that it'd be a shame for her to not reach her prime. She's a pretty wise person for her age, and definitely one of the wisest in the room. I'm excited to see her as Ariel in The Little Mermaid this Spring, what a way to end your senior year.

Aaron - Very very smart for his age. Don't know much about him and honestly not sure how much more I'm going to know him but he gets a lot of things, and it's crazy that he knows so much as a sophomore. I wish I was as self-aware as he is as a sophomore. Endless potential, he'll really carry NWTheatre in the future. He understands the Izeezus vision so for that I'm eternally grateful for him.

Maddy - Didn't really connect with her much this year either but I still acknowledge her existence. She's drowning in school stuff but she's growing to be a very composed and poised female so I'm not worried for her.

Safiyah - She has a lot going on that I don't know much about, but she knows the difference between real and fake, which is an important distinction to realize. I'm happy that she gets it. She oozes realness.

Tati - Out of all her contemporaries, it's her mind that I'm obsessed with the most. It's a vision that I don't get but want to. Hopefully I'll get a chance to in 2019 but I'm very content with not knowing much.

Jenny - I really don't deserve to be her friend, that's all. I don't know why or how I am but I'm not complaining, she's a girl that I never thought I'd be friends with. She's gang since I was a youngin though, if I ever blow up and she asked for free tickets, I wouldn't hesitate to give them to her.

Chester - I love you and I'm sorry for not being able to hang out with you. That was a big L on my part. Too much wisdom coming from you. Thank you for disagreeing with me on so many things, I learn so much from you.

Courtney - She supports me and she's so pretty so of course I gotta give her a shoutout! I like her music tastes (for the most part).

Nancy - I saw her when I went to go vote. She's too legit, big W's to Alec. Yet she still boasts her independence, she doesn't let that relationship overshadow her identity and who she is. She knows who she is, what she is, and what she's going for. She's way more put together than I am so I gotta admire her for that one.

Casey - Not sure how it happened but I somewhat became acquainted to her this year and I don't regret it. She continues to radiate positivity and has made herself somewhat of a beacon. I have to respect like that, even if I don't f*ck with a lot of it.

Luke - My cousin, he's on a wave that most don't get. I really hope he's able to realize his vision, I know that he has an undying desire to express something, but just can't put it together just yet. I hope 2019 is his year, he's my blood so I trust that he can curate something of quality and something that he's proud of. I love you G.

Matt - I love this Asian man. He truly is a man. With the trademark symbol and everything. He knows Tokyo Ghoul so he's already a real one in my eyes. I love him so much and he does deserve a lot more than he knows. Shoutout NASA.

David - A vision that I do not understand at all, David dropped some Soundcloud music this year and went all "misunderstood visionary" on us. I f*ck with him most definitely, but I hope he's able to relay his message on a more accessible level this upcoming year. I don't get anything that he's expressing right now, but I can sense the feeling of urgency within him. There's something that needs to be said, and I hope he surrounds himself with the right people in order to do so.

Renee - She's like my brother's best friend and I appreciate her. My brother really is blessed to have a friend like her.

Alissa - She's bad as hell and I love her family. Not really much more for me to say. She's happy with a boyfriend and getting lit at college outings. As long as she's happy, I guess. I like her enough to give her a shoutout though.

Ms. Rossa - I know she's proud of me from afar.

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I'm a few minutes away from 2019 as I write this. I'm sitting by myself with a Green River to my right on an empty second floor. My parents are in India and my brother and sister are out partying. Yet, this is a presence I'm content with. I always enjoy being by myself, I always have. I'm not lonely, but alone. And I'm okay with that. I really learned to embrace my solitude this year, and I always prefer to be by myself now.

A lot of me is still the same. I still don't drink, smoke or do any drugs. This is probably why I always get outcasted from a lot of parties. But that's alright, cause I still don't go to parties. I suck at them anyways. As the only sober person in an environment of people who rely on intoxication to have a good time, I'm very comfortable to rather be in my room by myself with my journal or my computer. I'm not shaming anyone who parties or drinks though, y'all do what you want as it's your life. Don't let my dislike for those activities change your judgment for what you enjoy doing.

There's still so much for me and us to grow, you know what I mean? Like, I'M ONLY NINETEEN YEARS OLD. I still have so much to learn, and so much to make. I really want to drop something in 2019, I really hope it works out. I need to reconnect myself with God in 2019, our relationship fell off this year no cap.

I'm a lot more transparent with my flaws now, and I hope I can influence or inspire someone in that sense. You gotta be able to see your L's and bounce back from them. I want to be great but I don't deserve to be great yet. I've helped a lot of people this year but I never made enough time to help myself. I really appreciate so much of what I'm surrounded with.

There's so much for me to say and I never feel like I've said enough. I wish I could just disperse everything into one huge outlet. Instead I share various thoughts on various platforms, and it's never balanced. I hope to fix that in 2019. I haven't touched Snapchat in months, and I'm on Instagram way too much during the day.

It was a wild year but I'm ready to put it behind and head forward into the next year. I don't have a resolution yet, I just plan to improve my lifestyle whenever I get the opportunity. I want to improve my social media presence this year as well, too. I can only communicate with most of y'all through the Internet anyways, so I want to carry myself in a manner that I'm proud of. I need to learn to take care of myself too. Don't be surprised if I take more social media breaks next year.

Only one minute before 2018 ends so I gotta wrap this up real quick. I hope I can be here in 2019. Thank you all, and I plan to say a lot more next year.

Christmas

Shoutout to my family and friends, Jenny, Julia, the humidifer my aunt got me

There's still so much to do

Abysmaland.

Just watched dWade go at it with his brother lbj one last time.

Wades my favorite player ever no cap, I hope I can him one more time in Chicago, imma see if I can buy tickets

Not that big of a fan of December.

I always feel lonely during Christmas season. It never feels like there's anyone there for me.

Atleast the year ends and it's a new start though.