Thank you to anyone reading this, Thank you to anyone who's told me "happy birthday", whether it's in person or message. And thank you to anyone who's been rocking with me. Y'all know I've changed a lot, and I always continue to change.
But as a wise Kobe Bryant would say, I'm a different animal, and the same beast. Despite how much I'm growing and adapting to the various environments life throws me with, I'm always certain of who and what I am. And that's not a trait I was always able to boast.
Around this time last year I was literally just coming back to social media. Literally. And it's kind of interesting to see that, a year later, I'm now leaving social media. It was late December 2017 that I left all of my social medias and pretty much ghosted the world for a hot 3 months. I didn't respond to any of my friend's messages, I avoided anyone whenever I could, and I just stayed to myself. I had a good head of hair that I was growing on me, but I shaved all of it off, cause I just didn't know who I was, and I didn't know who I was becoming anymore.
I'll go more in-depth about that breakdown one day once I feel like I've truly lived it down, cause I'm trying to focus on the now. Following my 19th birthday, I started focusing more maintaining the creative side of me and making sure it was true to myself. Something I realized during 19 was that, during 18, I used to create everything with the idea that everything needed to become some sort of product. Whatever I made, I had to release it so anyone and everyone could see.
But that should not be the way you approach your creative efforts. You should make creative efforts because you want to. Because you feel that this is the optimal way to express yourself. Or if you just feel like you could make something hot. The intention should never be to attain exposure because of it or from it. Now, my things have never been made to "blow up", I just made it cause I want to. But I used to make these things in a way that were designed to be accessible enough to blow up, if that makes sense.
I adjusted my process after I saw this photo. I don't remember when specifically, but I think it was sometime around summer 2018:
At some point down the road, I lost sight of why I was a creator and why I was making stuff. Whatever it was, it no longer was because I wanted to.
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Now things are different though. Taking a break from anything creative was much-needed. Albeit, I have written a bunch of verses during my downtime which is great cause I'm excited to put them to use, but I never went out of my way to make anything hot. If it came to me, it did and I'd just ride off of that energy until it was gone.
Disclaimer: This is not a message to not go 110%. Cause you still need to have those sleepless nights and days of constant, nonstop work. That's still a given and you should still expect to go all out if you're really about this. Fortunately for me, I'm in a position that I'm not expected to make or do anything, I'm just a 19-year old boy who's just making things cause he wants to. But there are a lot of writers and musicians who rely on their art as an occupation; with that comes deadlines, and y'all know how much I hate deadlines.
Arguably my greatest quote ever is "You can't rush greatness." And I still believe that is true. The greatest things ever came with time.
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Why I'm leaving social media
Me and Stephanie were having a conversation a couple weeks ago about creativity, straining your art and going into a sort of "block". As I mentioned before, I've been on a creative break recently, and part of that is due to her. I realized that I was putting in too much time into whatever I wanted, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with being deeply invested in your craft, the downfall of that was that I was no longer looking after my relationships.
I realized I was lowkey falling off with the people that I care about. Of course, my relationships with the real ones in my life are low effort ones and I don't need to justify or validate my friendship with anyone. But there are a lot of people in my life that I'm willing to go that extra mile for, and it took me a bit to realize I was no longer showing love how I wanted to.
I needed to cultivate the community around me. I know there are people out here that need me, and I had to be there for them. By me halting all of my projects, I was able to reach out to a bunch of people within the past 2-3 months. People that I haven't talked to in a very long time, but are still very important people, I wanted to catch up with them. And it was so worth it.
I never thought about how many people want me to win. I've spent so much time rooting for others and helping others evolve, that I forgot to reflect on myself and think about how many people are actually out here for me, you know what I mean? If you're even reading this blog post that's really all the validation I need. Whether you're interested enough or curious enough to come all the way out here, it shows me that you want to see what I have to say and think. (It doesn't literally show me, though. I can't see who specifically reads these, but I kind of like that anonymity. People can freely come here without being tracked, and I never overthink about who did or who didn't look at my stuff.)
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One of the most interesting things for me personally is looking back at who I was 1 year ago or 2 years ago, and seeing how much I've grown and changed since then. It's insane knowing that I'm on such a high level, yet I have so much higher to go. I'm literally only 20 years old man, and it feels like I've experienced so much of a lifetime. I can't even imagine what it'll be like when I'm 30 and with 2 dogs or something.
But I look back at the people who starting fucking with me early on, around 16, 17, 18. And I think about who I was back then, and why people really resonated with it. Because looking at me now, I'm lightyears ahead of who I was when I was like 17 and it's not even close.
To all of the people out here who knew me back then and my junior year English teacher, I can't help but ask, why did you believe in me? What did you see in me that others didn't? I possibly couldn't imagine someone investing in young me.
And I say that humbly. Cause I'm so different from last year. And it's not even close. I continue to learn. I continue to change. I continue to grow.
And you should always be pursuing that. I'm always trying to one up myself every year, and I can safely say I accomplished that with 19. It was a really good year. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my hair growth, and I talked about that on my Instagram story. I have a spiritual connection to hair, on some Samson type shit. As I gained more hair, I gained more confidence as well. And I feel like I'm semi-unstoppable. I've stopped working out to focus on school and stuff, I plan to get back at it. One of my friends wanted to 1v1 in basketball - we're having a lowkey 1v1 series right now - but I had to tell them I've retired and taken a hiatus in basketball. Which was weak af on my part, but I had no regrets at the time cause I was focusing on other aspects of my life. Perhaps my lack of physical activity is why I've felt super exhausted for no reason. I remember I used to have literal muscles 1-2 years ago, and now my arm is just like a flabby stick. I could flex and I'd see super defined muscles and veins and all that; there isn't even a curve to my bicep now, and that's gotta change.
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I always deactivate my Facebook on my birthday, cause I don't want those people to congratulate me. It doesn't seem genuine to me, they're usually the ones who post "Happy Birthday!!! 🎂❤" on every person whose birthday is that day, and they only know about their birthday because it's on their Facebook feed. I'm not expecting anyone to remember that my birthday is today, cause we all know so many people, but it's just one of those moments like, Who really cares about me like that, and who'll go out of their way to tell me "Happy Birthday"?
To be completely honest, I don't really like the birthday hype. Just cause I hate the attention. I appreciate my parents putting me on a pedestal for the day, but it's still the real world in my eyes and the real world's always moving. There's still so much for me to do, I'm not really for the whole balloon thing. All of my friends are either in school today or going for a job interview. That's a boss move in my eyes. But if y'all are on spring break like I am, then obviously I'm not gonna hold you.
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Despite all of the negative experiences we go through in life, you always gotta remember the end vision and overcome it all. I've gone through a bunch of sh*t, as have you. But everything has a purpose, so me still being here after everything I've been through has to stand for something. And besides, all of these hardships will make for some compelling stories when we're older. I'm still living through the hardships as I speak so I'm not gonna explicitly speak on it now, but I'm very content with my life and I'm not worried about my future or anything. I don't remember the last time I worried, because worrying doesn't do anything good for you.
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Here are some songs that I like right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYWOwwUoNyw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUmV-MorIKc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fp0BScQSSvg
https://youtu.be/9LnYcrVdoNg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRsqV0CZ86A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7v9KuFutUU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDqvO3Lb_As
https://youtu.be/yi2B0PFj-OQ
https://youtu.be/05UM-i4PuOY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epGDVeNzWNs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le63SacwFNs
(These are all random songs that I've been listening to, this by no means constitutes as a playlist.)
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I just needed a spot to shoutout my mom. So much of my calm mind and emotion comes from her.
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This is the last post on MindOfIsaiah.blogspot.com. I thought I'd have the new website up and running by my birthday, but it's apparent that that's not gonna happen. So the new website will have to stay a mystery for now. I wanted hella new writings on that one, but I haven't had time to even finish one of them, I started 4 different things and the farthest I've gotten on one is the J. Cole one, and I'm still on the Kendrick Lamar part of that post, so maybe that'll give an idea about how not done I am.
That's just a lifelong theme of mine: There's always so much more to do.
I want to make and do something great, but it's gonna take a bunch of time. That's why I'm constantly trying work towards it. Today I found out my phone's gonna be delayed again and it's not gonna come until April, and that was a huge, huge bummer. Cause I'm really excited for it. I know it sounds super corny, but it's more than just a phone to me, it's my gateway to the online world. And I know how to restrain myself - that's why I'm leaving social media with ease - but it's just been a really long time since I've had an upgrade. I'll be able to do so much more.
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I ended up not bringing back all of my story posts. This is a pretty lazy move on my part, I can't lie, but I didn't realize how many different rants I've gone on over the years. I had to scroll up literal years to find my first one, and the thing is that I don't like to read my previous rants. I will, at some point, cause I'll want to see where my mind was at then, but I don't really have time for reminiscing like that. There are so many things I want to do and gotta do right now.
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The music I'm making right now is something I'm proud of so far. It's definitely a process, but it's something I'm proud of so far. It's gonna be 5 songs and it's slated to be called Demonstrations EP. Right now I have Roland on a track, but I'm trying to get Kenan & Anthony on one as well, they're the only people I can envision on this song cause it's wildin'. I don't wanna say much more about it, hopefully I'd rather show than just tell what is expected to happen.
I don't want to come back to social media until I have all of it done. That's the goal I am setting for myself. Hopefully I can hold myself to it. Cause I know social media can be addicting. After every sentence I check my Instagram to see if anyone has tagged me in something or liked any of my posts. And I got really excited cause a random account started stalking and liking all of my rap posts. Then I was like, "What if another person sees my account and starts liking stuff?" And it's just an endless chain of social media addiction. I'm being fueled by fake dopamine and it's sad that I enjoy it. I enjoy it, but I know that I don't like it. That's not the primary reason I'm leaving, though. If I really got tired of it all I could just leave whenever and not tell anybody. I mean, I don't really need a reason to leave social media, nor do I really need to tell anybody, but I still feel like I owe y'all to some degree.
Having any kind of platform is a big enough blessing, and I'm grateful enough to have the writing and creative abilities I have, as well as the infrastructure of technology at hand, to be typing all of this stuff on a $1,200 laptop to post on an online website where it shall forever remain for internet wanderers to accidentally stumble upon and find themselves landed on a gem of consciousness, truth, vulnerability actuality. Swag too, but that's just part of the intangibles.
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What will the 20's hold for me? Will I finally want a girlfriend this year? Will I be on some SZA type shit? Will I have an existential crisis of sorts? Probably, and I'll most likely have a lot of downfalls. But for now, I calmly and contently remain in the present, as there's no need to overthink about what hasn't happened yet. I bet 21 will be even wilder, as I'll be able to legally drink then, but I don't have any actual plans of drinking anything, to be honest. Too many lives around me have been destroyed because of drinking, but I digress. This is about me, and this is about me being excited for what's to come.
My grandma's lived through lifetimes, my mom's lived through lifetimes and my dad's lived through lifetimes. They've made sacrifices that I can't even imagine so me and my siblings can succeed. I can't let them down and I won't. I know that they won't see my perspective and where I'm coming from, as they won't for my brother and sister, but I believe that it some point in time it will be clear to them who I am and what I'm trying to do for this world. Cause there's a lot of darkness out here, and one man can't change the entire world, but one man can change one person's entire world. If my thoughts and feelings can help impact someone out here, someone reading this, then I'm content. And that's why I love the anonymity part of this; I don't know who my writings are actually helping, so I safely assume that this hasn't helped anyone, yet. That's why I continue to write and write and create and create in hopes that I can change someone's world with simple words of mine. It's crazy, as beautifully complex the concept of complexion, the most beauteous beauty comes in simplicity, as the simplicity of simplicity is what makes simplicity so complex. Don't let that one go over your head.
I continue to change the game, and change the culture. There's so much more in store for me, and so much more in store for you. A lot of people overlook their abilities and downplay them. Flaunt your shit, man. So many of y'all have some cool ass qualities about yourself that I wish I had. I love myself, but I'd kill to be in your shoes for one day.
Thank you to anyone who's vulnerable enough with me to allow me to connect with you. I don't take it for granted that you're that comfortable, and I don't take it for granted that you trust me enough that you believe in me to help you with whatever you're dealing with. We're all human, I'm no god, and I want y'all to know that I am human alongside you. No matter how wise or "visionary" I may seem, I'm just a kid experiencing the game of life at the same time as you. A lot of us are going through very similar experiences, though we do not express it as much. A lot of us subconsciously resonate with one another through the unconscious. And we won't know how closely connected we are with another unless we converse with one another and realize how genuinely golden and communal we are.
And we won't know how closely connected we are with another unless we converse with one another and realize how genuinely golden and communal we are.
That's my "goal" for this writing, if I had one. Actually, no, I take that back. Interpret this however you want to. There are a bunch of scattered thoughts and far off memories in this post, with so much beneath the surface. And y'all won't be able to decode all of that. I wish I could be able to show all of you guys everything, but the truth is that there's a lot to my mind that just stays in my mind, and there are levels to this that only I can comprehend. This probably sounds like super pretentious filler right now, like the Izeezus version of Lorem Ipsum, but these are real sentiments that are valued to me. They're subject to change, but at the current point in my life, these thoughts are how I express and perceive myself and I'm content with it being this way. I've always had a deep connection to writing, it's my favorite way to get it all out. I think the beauty of it is that there are so many ideas behind writing, so many different approaches, and what makes it so great is the accessibility aspect of it. Anyone can write anything at anytime. In the same way, because of the internet, anyone can create anything at anytime. And I think that's a super cool, privileged and scary platform we have on our hands. My parents never got to experience this life that we're living, and perhaps that is why they're so insensitive to the first-generation, first-world issues that I and many other contemporaries go through today. Cause back then for them, there was never an emphasized discussion on mental health, in my opinion the biggest problem that our generation goes through. Mental health is downplayed for a lot of these oldheads cause in their time, they didn't have time to worry about mental health. They could be living on the edge of life or death on a day-to-day basis. And that's such a crazy life to think about. Imagine not being able to think your thoughts out thoroughly because you're too busy trying to scavenge food or figure out how you're gonna pass the day without being caught up in critical situations, familial or non-familial. They were never taught to enrich the mind as much as we are, and we can't take that for granted. We have to acknowledge our privilege, we have to acknowledge our roots and we have to acknowledge what brought us here.
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At the time of me writing this, I'm in my second year of college, still pursuing an English major (?). As time keeps going on I keep doubting if I want to be in higher education right now, or if I even need it, just because of all the the debt in loans I'm racking up. I'm unsure right now how much worth there is right now, but I having a fun time so I guess I can't really complain. Although in the time I've been here I haven't really learned too much out here. I realized that college isn't about actually reaching a heightened sense of education and awareness (unless you're in STEM, y'all are fucking wizards and doing some hard ass stuff that I could never do. Too smart for your own good), but instead is about credentialism and gaining connections. It's crazy to think that someone can have a spectacular skillset, but won't be considered on the same plane as someone who has a piece of paper that states he/she attended university for X years. The culture is changing, and as technology continues to only become more advanced, the entire dynamic of the education system will change. I hope it'll change in time for my kids to have an actually enriching experience. Not discrediting any of the great teachers in my time, y'all really helped develop and create my writing my skills into the person I am today.
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You don't always realize how much you'll change the game. Anyone can be doing this. The literal person reading this can surpass me on so many different aspects and levels. However, are you willing to put the work in and dive into the deepest of your introspection? The only reason I'm like this is cause I've just spent so much time by myself. I have emotions and thoughts and it's really weird when you have no one to relay that onto. That's why the arts and infrastructural platforms are so important to me. Here I have a voice. You'll lose your voice a lot of times in life, but the greatest spurts of growth happen within that dark period.
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growth | Growth | growth
Such an important concept to me during 19. I wonder what life theme will apply to me this upcoming year.
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There's so much more I need to say, man. This is just the beginning of it all (I feel like I've said that so many times now, but it's true to me). This has never been about me, I'm trying to do this for us. Hopefully I have changed you in some way, in a positive way that is. I just want to make y'all proud with the things I make.
I'm going into 20 with a super positive energy, optimistic mindset and opportunistic vision. But I gotta manifest all of this into real life product and material. That is one of my goals for this year, hopefully I will be able to do so.
I'll be back soon. Thank you. Next time y'all see me writing, it'll be on the new website. And I'll be back better than ever.
To the future,
Isaiah, Izeezus, whatever you know me as
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