I’m currently messing around with 2 color changing light bulbs that me and 9 got from Home Depot, purple on my 8 and red on my 3.
Man, there’s so much I wanna talk about this time around but I don’t know where exactly to start. That’s kinda representative of my whole process this year, I guess. So many ideas, so many visions, but my problem is that there’s so much I want to do that I can never come together to put out a focused body of work, whatever that may entail. For the new year and new decade, and as I explore my 20’s, I hope I can master focus. Cause I have the creativity sh*t down for now, there are other aspects of myself that need work.
Exploring my 20’s entering 2020, that’s kinda hot. Also, I can wait for all of the 2020 vision puns that are bouta come next year.
I’m looking at my Instagram Story archives from January 8th this year, and I talked about how I felt “You can’t rush greatness” didn’t resonate with me at that time, going into 2019, and I was in search of the new wave.
Too much to say, I never feel like I say enough
I’m happy to say that this year I had 2 key takeaways from this Instagram story. 1. I accomplished a personal feat for myself, in that I found a level of contentness where I felt I was saying enough, especially to those that needed to hear it. Initially, the phrase “Too much to say, I never feel like I say enough” came as a response to my creative endeavors and lack of releasing content that I’d continue to promise to others. Instead, that vibe took a life of its own and the phrase repurposed itself, no longer making it about me and instead serving others; I can confidently say that, despite the many things that I want to say, I’m able to relay my thoughts and expressions to others to the point that both parties are satisfied. I come out of these moments with a sense of release, knowing that I’ve gotten so much of my mind out to someone that’s willing to invest in me and vice versa, and the other person/people leave these moments with something new or meaningful to take away from whatever I said to them. This is applicable in many scenarios - whether I’d be having a deep conversation with someone and an important statement I made resonated with them, or if I’m simply giving someone advice on their writing or teaching others how to write/sing/whatever - and I am happy with my outputs in this aspect of my life.
2. I proved myself wrong, “You can’t rush greatness” is a timeless phrase and it continued to be a voice of reason in my life this 2019. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking at the beginning of the year lol, “You can’t rush greatness” has been a key component of my identity since sophomore year of high school and I don’t know why I thought I’d stray away from it this year. Perhaps it’s because of my fear of remaining in my comfort zone for far too long. I mean, I’m not sure if I would call it a “fear”, but I always want to be on some new sh*t. I love changing it up and I never want to remain the same. So I guess since there was a sense of constantness in my life at that point, I felt the urge that I needed to change something in my life, even if it was one of my biggest philosophies ever. I now understand the difference between constantness and stability, there are certain aspects of life that don’t need unnecessary tinkering, especially when it’s been good to you all of your life.
If you don’t care about the monthly update stuff and just wanna see my thoughts on my year, you can do CTRL+F or Find In Page the word “reflection”, I intentionally didn’t use it here so it’ll be a quick jump to my thoughts on everything and stuff. But I feel there are some gems in these pictures so maybe you should peep? Like literally right in the beginning there’s a video of me crying lol.
The two biggest moments of January, I’d have to say, is watching Dwyane Wade play live one more time when he pulled up to Chicago (shoutout Matthew), and the one, the only, Kingdom Hearts 3.
God f*cking damn it. Kingdom Hearts 3 was one of the most important developments of 2019 for me, man. Anyone who knows me or has followed me on IG the past few years knows how dedicated I am to the Kingdom Hearts series. Kingdom Hearts 2, in March of 2006 (when I copped it), was the first video game I had ever bought with my own money. Granted, it was birthday money, but I still think it counts and it was quite symbolic. I deadass waited 12 years for the third installment to drop, and while the game didn’t live up to expectations (to be fair, the game was overhyped as hell so there was no way the game was ever gonna live up), an important chapter of my life was finally over, and I found so much closure, man. I literally f*cking cried!!!
This started off the new year for me on such a high note. It was great.
Honestly I don’t remember much from February, I’m looking through my archives and photos and I don’t see anything groundbreaking. Just a lot of Instagram story rants and BLACKPINK praise. I’ve actually been thinking about putting all my previous Instagram stories over the years in Izeezuscord, so it’s easy to read and accessible. I’ll get around to that at some point this upcoming year.
I was really just in anticipation for March, the greatest month of the year and my birthmonth. I wrote a long birthday blog post, it’s the previous post right before this one so you can peep that whenever you’re done. I had a very lowkey birthday, I didn’t wanna celebrate it so I just went with my mom to Umami Sushi, and of course, it was phenomenal.
If you recall, I left social media following my birthday just cause I wanted to go on a break, go off the map for a minute. I’ll talk about that later.
On March 31st, the Dollar Tree I worked at closed permanently, and I was working on the second last day of the store, so it was kind of a sad moment for me, cause it was probably the chillest job I’ve ever had, I’ll never take it for granted. I got Adrian a job there, and we just vibed.
Me posted up on the last day of Dollar Tree
Honestly, I owe Dollar Tree so much. I wrote some of my most fire verses in here while I was "working"
That was like a last “speech” I gave to Dollar Tree. Albeit, it wasn’t a SPEECH speech - Guillermo told me to announce to everyone that all items are 50 cents off, but I kind of tried to make the announcement my own, and slightly failed (?)
Normally I eat way more but we pulled up to sushi last minute
In March, I had also won a giveaway from the Call of Duty YouTuber Drift0r, and I got a pair of Astro A40’s, alongside a Mixamp. That was a $250 value gaming headset that I got for free, and it was so clutch cause I needed a gaming headset for the future video games to come (Little did I know that later this year I would buy a whole new PC, the headset is so useful for it cause it’s optimized for PC). I went on a long ass Instagram story video rant right before my birthday when I left, I dropped some gems in there and I’ll probably reupload them somewhere. Most likely Izeezuscord, it’s such a wave man
In April, I finally got the Galaxy S10+, a brand new phone after 3 years. There was such an annoying hassle behind getting the phone, but it’s a bunch of irrelevant bullsh*t that doesn’t deserve getting into. But basically I ordered the phone through a T-Mobile representative, but for some reason they forgot to order it, and there was “an internal error when processing the order”. I should have gotten the phone in like the second week of March (that’s when I ordered it), but after weeks and weeks of delay, I finally got the phone and it was so amazing. Coming off the Galaxy S7, the S10 feels so much faster and cleaner, and it’s interesting to see how quickly I had become normalized to the new hardware. Now when I boot up my GS7, it goes so slow and I ask myself how I was able to withstand that. Technology really is wild man, we’re so used to having supercomputers in our pocket.
April was a big moment too cause I finally made my foray into Discord culture, I’ll get into that later.
May was mainly Discord stuff, but me and 9 started our summer jobs at Menard’s, man I hated that place. They were so unfair to 9 and I, but I was able to rack up enough $$$ to buy myself a PC so I have no regrets despite all the physical hardships they put me through. It was so frustrating, the night after I put my 2 week notice in, I wrote this really fire song called “Day Job” while walking on the way home, it’s so fire and hopefully it’ll make an appearance on the EP.
For Adrian’s birthday, me, Adrian, Matthew and 9 went to a KBBQ spot and it was so fire. Unfortunately KBBQ is super expensive so we haven’t gone again, despite my multiple attempts throughout the year to rally up the squad and bring us all together. I quickly realized that I was the only person that wanted to go eat KBBQ so I silently accepted my L and moved on.
I took this fire photo of the Menard’s restroom sign though. I never knew it lit up like that late at night.
June was a pretty fun month of summer. Me and my friends went to Six Flags! I didn’t go on the wildest rides cause I’m baby, but it was still fun asf. We went to Hooters though which was unfortunate, it’s like Javi’s favorite restaurant so we tried it out for him. I just hate that restaurant, it’s so weird that they have all the waitresses wearing skimpy ass outfits, I don’t f*ck with it at all. That place caters to like all the weird old white dudes, they’re making money I guess so it is what it is.
I took probably my favorite selfie of 2019 in June as well, so that was a W!!!
Oh yeah, my sister graduated from Northwestern which is quite the feat so it’s fair that I give her this shoutout. She doesn’t peep my blog though cause she said she “respects that it’s a personal space for me”, but I always tell her she’s welcome to read it whenever she wants. I mean, if I’m putting it up on the literal Internet, I recognize that I’m opening this up to virtually everyone, which I don’t mind cause I’m always trying to promote openness and realness.
Interestingly enough, at the end of June we celebrated Javi’s birthday at my house (?) Something random but worth mentioning lol.
July was honestly a blur so I don’t remember much about it. I bingewatched Stranger Things 3, watched fireworks with my cousins and 9 at my high school, took more fire selfies, watched Spiderman, joined a pop Discord (will be discussed later), and got put on to Carly Rae Jepsen and the Emotion album. I made Izeezuscraft, a Minecraft server for me and my friends, and it expanded to some of my high school friends and man they made the server bigger than anything I could have anticipated. Although Season 1 was shortlived, perhaps I’ll revive Izeezuscraft for Summer 2020 and livestream it then.
9 also built his computer and I helped him find some of the final pieces for the build, an iconic moment nonetheless.
August was the same, Virgil Abloh at MCA, just vibes and selfies. I know I keep talking about selfies, but man I glowed up this year I feel. Throughout the summer I had my beard unkept, cause I was trying to grow it out and push it to its limits. I can’t grow a full beard that connects so I wanted to work with what I had. With Mikhail’s moral support, buffing my mental endurance, I was able to stop myself from trimming it or cutting it whole for plenty of the summer. It wasn’t until August that I lined up my beard for the first time, and I basically became a God. I got so gassed up, it’s not even funny. Thank you Mikhail for the guidance, I love you.
No like seriously, look how well I lined it up (by myself), how it naturally blended towards my goatee, and how it accentuated my jawline!!! I’m a hair enthusiast so I peep all these details lol. I trimmed it down for my New York trip but it was such a great moment for me personally.
On August 23, me and the boys visited the Ritz Carlton. You may ask why, and this sounds like a really dumb reason so don’t judge: The Ritz Carlton bathrooms have the softest, best paper towels ever, and I always visit the top floor lounge with all the rich people to go in the bathroom and take all of the paper towels LOL. It’s not illegal so I’m unashamed to admit this.
It’s also super appropriate cause I play “Ritz Carlton” by Plies everytime I pulled up. This is an account of what happened when we went. Basically we were blasting Plies in the bathroom the entire time and taking all the paper towels until we realized someone was in one of the stalls, so we took all the paper towels and BOOKED it.
Visited the Riverwalk too, where I met this really pretty dude and we exchanged Instagrams and he’s pretty asf no lie, I’m glad I have him on IG lol.
Lots of selfie of the year contenders from August, some of my favorite pics of myself came this month.
At the end of August, me and the family pulled up to New York to go to one of my family member’s wedding. It was a short trip but definitely packed; so many clutch moments, and I got to meet Edrick (in Discord section)!!! I missed half of the first week of school for this trip, but it was worth it.
Speaking of school, I was glad that I was able to get a class with James and Alex for one of my English classes. They’re probably my best friends from college, I don’t go out of my way to make friends in college but I’ve resonated towards them two the most.
In September, NBA 2K20 came out and I was addicted. I got so good at the game, but I’m sure I’d be trash now because of all the patches. I don’t play anymore cause I don’t want to buy PS Plus, while I’m not an avid PC gamer, I really do appreciate PC gaming way more than PS4 now. But PS4 has Kingdom Hearts 3, and I’mma return when DLC drops next month. I also ran into NAV in 2K, and I was in the BH GQ video.
Me, Javi and Matthew went to Chick-Fil-A one time this month and there were events that I don’t know if I’m allowed to talk about for legal reasons (?), but it was a pretty eventful night for sure.
I’d say a September success was that I ran up 2K with ShittyBoyz BabyTron! I first heard of him the month prior, with “Flawless Victory”, and I’ve been hooked since. The Detroit rap scene is really going to pop off next year.
September also held witness to my mom’s best friend’s granddaughter’s baptism, I felt that was worth mentioning. Shoutout to Mila, maybe you’ll read this one day.
At the end of the month, though, me and Matthew were lucky enough to snag tickets to the Jesus Is King listening session in Chicago. A really dope experience, I was very happy I could see Kimye + family in person, man they’re all so pretty in real life.
I was on my social media break throughout October, nothing eventful happened then other than Discord stuff. I would’ve been off the map longer, but I had to come back in early November cause FKA twigs was bouta drop MAGDALENE and as a fan, it was my job to promote it and get my followers to listen to it. More fire selfies, music, me and Matthew went to Artango Steakhouse for a project for my Latin American music class, I went to my brother’s birthday party which was out of my comfort zone and I hate parties, but I had to pull up for him one time for the one time.
And here I am right now in December, living my best winter break life (but not really cause it’s been super laidback lol) and wrapping the year up, looking back at everything and mentally preparing myself for this moment!
Reflection
2019 was a good year for me honestly. I kept emphasizing the fire selfies because I really felt like I got pretty as hell this year. Like, I’ve always been pretty decent looking (I’d for the most part say I was good looking), but man my confidence skyrocketed this year as my hair grew. I talked about this before on my Instagram story, but when I was a kid in Sunday School, one of the earliest stories I remember learning about was the story of Samson. Basically, his entire thing was that the longer his hair was, the more strength he’d receive through God as his hair had like the Holy Spirit or something. And I kind of relate to this story; while I literally have not become more swole as my hair’s gotten longer, I do believe that my hair has spirit flowing through it, and as it has gotten longer my energy’s have risen. Confidence seemed to have been a side effect of this, but I’m not mad at this at all. I think it’s kind of symbolic that I’ve attained this newfound swag right before the decade ends, cause I’m coming into this decade stronger than I could have imagined. I mean, while it’s not a fair comparison cause I wasn’t fully grown back then, I’m much more aware and prepared to enter a new decade than I was 10 years ago.
Of course, there’s plenty of growth for me to still attain. I stopped working out this year and I lost all of my muscles, which was disheartening. Once my hair becomes long enough to donate and I cut all my hair off, I’ll get a gym membership and get my physique back. And that’s been one of the hardest things for me in my hair growth journey. I’ve done hella research and I’ve learned a lot about not washing your hair, taking care of it, and allowing natural oils to develop and do its thing to strengthen your hair. As a result of this, I’ve realized I’m not able to wash my hair everyday, and if I’m going to the gym and working out or playing basketball, I’m going to be sweating, thus warranting a washing of the hair. So you can see how I basically have to pick a side at this point, and I chose the fashionable route.
I have no regrets, I made a move that’d ultimately benefit me and I’ve never grown my hair this long before so it’s been a fun journey. I acknowledge that I have naturally beautiful hair, and it’s a conceited move for me to keep this to myself. That’s why I made the decision to grow my hair out, so I could donate it to someone who would love it more than me. I love my hair no doubt, but I’ll never really be able to appreciate it until it’s gone. That’s why I wanna spread the love now.
Discord
This year, I made the embark into Discord and joined various Discord servers. I won’t name them cause I don’t want weird people to join them and read messages I’ve sent before (lol), but I think it’s safe to say that it was the biggest culture immersion I’ve taken a part of this year. I’ve met so many people, placed myself into groups that I’d never identify with, and it’s definitely been an enlightening experience. Yeah, I’d say like 60% of it has been toxic just cause the Internet will be the Internet, and every Discord has its fundamental flaws. But I’m not here to expose or cancel any Discords cause I fuck with the many Discords I’ve been a part of, except for one where I found out the majority of people there were closeted racists LOL.
I’m not gonna shout anyone out in particular (except for Doggo cause he said he wanted one, so here you go), just cause there are a lot of Discord friends that I’ve made, but I guess the most prominent shoutout would probably be Edrick and anyone who’s currently in Izeezuscord. Izeezuscord is in beta testing right now, I’ll probably make it available to the public whenever I drop my EP.
But yeah Edrick’s real as hell man. While hella people deserve a shoutout, I felt that it was right for me to publicize this one because we literally met up in real life when I visited New York. That was a cool ass moment for me, like it proved that Internet friends are real and can be real. It's like, I knew him, and I knew that I knew him, but the physical manifestation of just witnessing him in real life really legitimized it all for me.
It was no catfish shit or anything, I knew he’d be just as cool as I expected. I sense that in the upcoming year I’m going to meet more Discord friends in real life, as I consider to make more of a presence in whatever Discord I’m in.
I have some cool plans with Izeezuscord, but I must stress that it’s not a cult or anything, we’re not worshipping the idea of me. I dm’d my friend Impossible last night, and I’mma just copy and paste exactly what I typed out:
> but ya the idea of having an entire discord revolving around me is kinda egotistical and im not like that, so i just make it a safe space for everyone, like all the real ones i fuck with
which is why i invited u, if you ever have any thoughts or shit u just wanna get out, you want people to listen, everyone at izeezuscord is here for one another
i came up with the idea cause theres kind of a beauty behind it:
like through discord, there's an anonymity behind all of us as we share shit, so it's not like we're exposing ourselves to people that can change the dynamic of relationship between one another. like the stuff i talk about here i'd never say to my parents you feel
but at the same time, there's an intimacy, like a platonicness, knowing that there are all humans behind a screen and that there are indeed other souls/spirits listening to you
and that's the most important thing imo / i feel that's what everyone's striving towards
cause everyone just wants to be heard at the end of the day, right? why else would you be going to such heights to express yourself?
cause what's the point of saying shit if you dont have an audience.. that's how i feel imo. that's why it's really important to assess who and what your audience is, and cater to them something that's both accessible for them to digest and take in, as well as something that's true to you. the biggest struggle for an artist imo is the balance between accessibility and creativity, i talk about that hella all over the place, whether it's irl, social media or my blog
Peep the flow as I ended off talking about my blog, that wasn’t even intentional but here we are... EVERYONE who knows me, whether it’s in real life or online, knows that my two biggest ideals are creativity and accessibility. My entire life is a long battle of finding the balance in between both. And it’s a lifelong battle in that I’ll probably never be able to truly find that balance, I can only get closer and closer to it.
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This semester at school I took one of the best classes in the entirety of my academic life. It was an entire class dedicated to taking care of your wellbeing, and tending towards your physical, mental and emotional health. While it was an uplifting class no doubt, and easily my favorite of the semester, it was through that class that I really learned the significances and the privileges I hold in my identity as a cisgender heterosexual male. I wrote about this to a Discord that I left earlier this year (and eventually returned to), and it was important for me to send it to these people cause in there, I was a minority in a group predominantly filled with members of the LBGTQ+.
Everyone knows that I’m a speaker, and I have been my whole life. But this class was a really important experience for me because I realized how my identity alone can censor others. Because of the privileges I have, it’s been very easy for me to be outspoken cause I don’t have a lot to lose, as opposed to a queer female contemporary of mine. For that reason, I’ve learned to embrace the passivity of conversation, giving others a space to express their thoughts before I get my stuff out.
If you remember at the beginning of this post, I talked about how I felt like I never said enough, considering there’s so much in my head. I’ve learned that there’s a time and place for everything; I will never be afraid to express myself, dress or style a certain way, or live a certain way (don’t worry I’m still never doing drugs). But that’s the thing, just because I never will doesn’t mean that others won’t. For that reason, one of my focuses on 2020 is to help others get their thoughts out, and give others a space to breathe. In my class I clogged up a lot of discussion space just because I loved my professor and I wanted to contribute to the class as much as possible, to show her that I admired her and her work, and that her work was worth it. But as a result of that, I either took up someone else’s space to say something, or I turned off someone’s desire to say something, just because they won’t be able to live up to whatever I said. Cause I be going on streams of consciousness whenever I’m talking in class, and while that may be beneficial for me and my professor, it may not be beneficial for my classmates. For that reason, I’mma see if I can take a step back this upcoming year to give other people a platform to shine, as well as helping my people get their thoughts out in more elaborate manners.
This was a vulnerable moment for me as I really had to come to terms with myself, but I’m really glad I did and I’m even more glad that moving forward I’ll really be able to empower my people on a higher level!!!
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My musical abilities continue to grow. Yet, another year passes by without me releasing anything. Will 2020 be the year where I finally drop something? We’ll have to wait and see. But I can say with confidence that I am confident in my sound and confident with what I’m making, and more importantly proud with what I’m making. I’m making moves and I’ve made connections with a lot of people on the Internet, I’m interested to see what kind of collaborations occur from this!
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2019 was a long ass year, man. I’m not even going to lie to you, this year was so long. Compared to last year for sure, 2018 was a breezy blur and 2019 was a realization of being present in time, taking a deep breath and exhaling, and just taking in the moment around you. I wonder what time’s going to feel like in 2020. Will it be a breeze like 18, or will I learn to take in every moment like in 19?
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Rest in peace to all of the artists we’ve lost this year, and all my friends that I lost this year. I know y’all are living peacefully and painlessly upstairs.
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This year I finally left Genius.com. I don’t want to talk about it cause there’s a bunch of energy that no longer needs to be exerted. But I’m above that website now and I’m grateful for anything of the skills the place brought me. Shoutout to all the Genius people who are reading this and are rocking with me post-Genius. There’s no reason for me to talk down on anyone in Genius, but I hope that the majority of Genius community realizes that IQ is not important, nor should they be making moves just for IQ.
I made a lot of moves on that website, learned a lot of stuff about music and some of my favorite artists, and I got hella free stuff too which was pretty cool. I’ll still be using Genius to post my song lyrics whenever I drop, so stay tuned for that.
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February was a pretty f*cked time in 2019. I had to cut off one of my childhood best friends because I found out he was a pedophile. I’m not sad that I’m not friends with him anymore, I don’t f*ck with weirdos like that, period. It’s just disappointing cause he really just betrayed our entire friend group and failed us; I reflect and look back, wondering if any of my memories and fun ass times are invalid now. I slept over at his house more than any of my friends, I had so many fun gaming moments with him, we play wrestled, and now I just feel like none of that is legit. Cause now I know how terrible of a person he is. He wasn’t even able to apologize or anything, cause he’s unapologetic in his behaviors. So I deadass cut him off and got my entire friend group to stop fucking with him, he’s probably the one person that I’m leaving behind in 2019.
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I gained approximately 50 followers in 2019! I thought that was something worth sharing. I’m currently around 750 followers now, and I mention this because let’s say I blow up 3-4 years from now and I have thousands of followers. I’ll be able to look back at this and see how much I’ve grown. I know society always tells us that followers, likes and comments don’t matter. I agree with this to some extents and in certain contexts. You should not use social media numbers as a form of validation, these numbers will not make you happier. Nor do they define your worth. So much of social media is fake, and it’s so easy to get sucked into the wrong parts of social media.
But for my specific situation, I disagree on that my followers, activity and insights don’t matter. The reason I use social media is so I can say things, in hopes that others can hear it. Cause what’s the point of creating if no one else can witness it? Yes, the argument can be made that self-expression is a form of self care - I have a journal for no one else to read where I just write so many of my thoughts out, these thoughts are reserved for me and for me only - but I believe that all creators create because they want to be heard. And that can be said about everyone, you don’t even need to be a creative to have a desire to be heard. Attention is a very human trait, and you shouldn’t bash yourself for it because you’re seeking validation. It only becomes an issue when hoes seek for unnecessary attention/validation, thus diminishing the light on those who actually need it. It also becomes an issue when people are looking for validation in the wrong places, like in social media as I said.
I really enjoy what I do with my quite minimal community on the Internet, and I never take for granted that there’s even one person who is interested in what I have to say.
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TAKE SOCIAL MEDIA BREAKS. TAKE SOCIAL MEDIA BREAKS. TAKE SOCIAL MEDIA BREAKS.
UNPLUG. UNPLUG. UNPLUG.
This is why I was so stable and calm this year, I left social media like 3 times this year, and returning to real life to really appreciate it helped me gain a sense of life and made me feel alive.
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My cousins and uncle wanted me to come over to their house to celebrate New Year’s Eve, and I felt bad because I had to tell them “no” cause I had to finish this up. I mean, I don’t have any regrets, as this is a spiritual release for me and since I don’t go to parties this is a fun annual tradition I guess I’ve set up for myself for NYE, but in my defense, they had only invited me right before they went to celebrate at their house. If they had told me earlier in the day, I could’ve cooked this up earlier and pulled up to their house, but this post is important to me and it’s important that I get this out in a setting where I am at peace.
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This makes a good transition, this year I became the most peaceful person ever. I’m never worried about anything anymore, cause I learned that it doesn’t help anything. I wasn’t even worried when my financial aid letter hadn’t arrived until the second to last week of school. I’m truly blessed to say that I am at peace going into the new year, prepared for whatever comes at me cause I know God is with me.
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I know people from the various Discords I’ve befriended people in will read this, so I will disclaim that this isn’t a diss on a specific Discord. Instead, this is an evaluation of Discord culture as a whole, and my perception of it based on my firsthand experience.
I have no regrets in any of the Discords I’ve joined or any of the moves I’ve made. There are some extremely dope, diverse communities that I’m fortunate to be a part of, and I’d even go as far as to call 1-2 a home. But there’s a reason why I make attempts to never get hooked onto a specific Discord or get latched on. So much of Discord is draining, and goddamn, the toxicity in every Discord is so real!!! Man, it’s really disheartening for me cause I’ve witnessed with my own eyes people turn to these Discords for a form of validation (this goes back to what I was saying about people wanting to be heard), and people are deadass ignored just because how fast conversations are going. This is the sacrifice huge Discords must make in order to sustain a huge community.
And what’s worse is that in some of these Discords they have a “Serious” channel, which is a place where people can vent and talk about real shit that they’re going through. This is a fantastic concept, and truly exemplifies the potential that online safe spaces can have. But it just really sucks and hurts me to see when people - whether it’s 1-2 sentences or if they drop LITERAL PARAGRAPHS - just get ignored. I mean, yeah, I’m not expecting anyone to be a licensed therapist and help everybody out for free, but it hurts me personally to see when people are pouring their hearts out and spilling shit, just for no one to respond. It’s one thing for someone to not have a safe haven to express their darknesses and receive any form of support, but it’s even worse when you DO have that safe space, yet people still respond with nothing.
I try to help as many people as I can (I DM them whenever I do choose to contribute in these convos), but I’m merely human and I don’t have all the answers (Again, no one does and I recognize that). But it just sucks man, I wish so many of the broken people online had a place where they can cope healthily and effectively. I really am privileged that I’ve been able to turn to writing since a young age whenever I was dealing with negative moments in my life. I still turn to it today and it’s probably why my ability to write personally has flourished. But not everyone is a writer, and not everyone is as privileged as I am. Like I said before, so many of my friends on Discord are of the LGBTQ+, and they’re often placed in familial situations where their identity is not accepted or not embraced. This is something that I’ve never experienced before, cause all of my life I’ve been a straight dude who’s certain of his identity since he was born. So I’m often at a loss for words on how I can help these people. The one thing that I do know, though, is that writing is universal, so I try to help everyone, regardless of identity, learn to elaborate their thoughts through writing. This will be a practice I will continue to improve on in the upcoming year and overall decade. To all my Discord friends, I love y’all and if you ever want to talk about stuff I’m always here.
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As a Kanye fan, I guess it's only fair that I address all of Kanye's antics, cause I know some people are curious. Fortunately for y'all, I already my thoughts about it on Genius, which you can read here.
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This year's review was different than last year's. Remember where I had said at the beginning of the year that I feel like I don't say enough? Well, this year I changed that, so for that reason this writeup's been a lot shorter. I have no problem with that though, I can live with knowing that I'm much more comfortable in expressing things whenever I need to. This was way more streamlined, and I'm happy I didn't have to say a lot.
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Instead of forcing hella thoughts for this final post, I'm going to bathe in the simplicity of myself right now. I'm comfortable knowing that there aren't a million sentiments or vibes that I want to send to everyone reading this. There's a lot more in store, and in knowing that, I'm content in not sharing everything. We got time. We got love.
I apologize to anyone who thought this year's review was going to be just as epic as last year's, I didn't even have the shoutout section this time LOL!!! I was a lot more chill with this one, and I didn't try to get hella write in just to get hella writing in, I'll never drop jargon in my blog posts.
I still don't know if I'm gonna do a decade review, I'll have to think on that one. But at this moment in time in my life, there really isn't anything wild worth sharing.
I will admit though, the revamp to the blog will be coming soon, and I will be posting on this a lot more since I'm not on Genius like that anymore.
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Looking at the beginning of this writing, it's kinda funny seeing that I said there's so much I wanted to say. But now I'm at the end and I can't really think of anything else.
Thank you to everyone who's fucked with me still. I literally wouldn't be alive without knowing you guys, that's not an exaggeration. I deadass would've killed myself already. But I knew that there were hella things I had left to do in this life, and I knew that there are things I need to show people before it's all said and done.
I have some things planned for 2020. But first, I gotta get a job and get some $$$.
I'm excited bruh!!! So so excited, there isn't much for me to say other than that. I am at peace, I look good, I feel good, I'm creatively stable, and I'm happy. My goal is to help others reach that this next year.
I wrote this at the end of 2018's post:
There's still so much for me and us to grow, you know what I mean? Like, I'M ONLY NINETEEN YEARS OLD. I still have so much to learn, and so much to make. I really want to drop something in 2019, I really hope it works out. I need to reconnect myself with God in 2019, our relationship fell off this year no cap.
I'm a lot more transparent with my flaws now, and I hope I can influence or inspire someone in that sense. You gotta be able to see your L's and bounce back from them. I want to be great but I don't deserve to be great yet. I've helped a lot of people this year but I never made enough time to help myself. I really appreciate so much of what I'm surrounded with.
There's so much for me to say and I never feel like I've said enough. I wish I could just disperse everything into one huge outlet. Instead I share various thoughts on various platforms, and it's never balanced. I hope to fix that in 2019. I haven't touched Snapchat in months, and I'm on Instagram way too much during the day.
It was a wild year but I'm ready to put it behind and head forward into the next year. I don't have a resolution yet, I just plan to improve my lifestyle whenever I get the opportunity. I want to improve my social media presence this year as well, too. I can only communicate with most of y'all through the Internet anyways, so I want to carry myself in a manner that I'm proud of. I need to learn to take care of myself too. Don't be surprised if I take more social media breaks next year.
Only one minute before 2018 ends so I gotta wrap this up real quick. I hope I can be here in 2019. Thank you all, and I plan to say a lot more next year.
Man, that feels so long ago. But I can proudly say I've met all of these goals!!!!!!! Vulnerability is the new strength and hopefully I can continue to be an embodiment of that for those who look up to me. But we're all bouta become leaders in 2020, it's important that you recognize how much influence you have and how you can directly/indirectly impact the environments you're in.
These are my 2020 goals, I gotta speak this into existence so hopefully let's manifest it right here:
- Learn to cook so I can eat at home and not order so much fast food
- Drop at least one song
- Be here in 2020
- Meet at least one more Discord person in real life (I'm looking at you Thejas)
- Start working out and get my physique back
- FOCUS.
Hella goals, right? But I'm determined and I'm in such a good headspace. Onward to this upcoming year, love you all
