I wish there was an easy way to make stuff and not only be able to bring new people in, but keep the people close to you who you grew up with. This is nothing new at all like I’m sure some philosopher or even a like-minded young person like me thought of this stuff already and already went through it, but the older I get and the more stuff I continue to push out and make, there’s a deeper influx of people who are knowing me without me being able to do the same in return.
It’s a blessing and I’m absolutely grateful that people care about me and what I think without any expectation of me learning about them in return, but I’m at a weird point now in my life where people who I grew up with adoring and admiring, are far less in connection with me than brand new people who are finding me.
It’s one thing to be a creative, but something now I’ve broken into is when creativity turns into product, and the people who have found me through my music/everything else I make is actually happening now. It is, again, a dream and a privilege for sure to even be able to experience this, and on such a small scale now too, but the one thing I always wanted to do with my art is reconnect with the people who I lost touch with from the past.
I spent years trying to figure out my voice and I was making music as early as 2016 but I didn’t release my first song until after I graduated college, and at that point to everyone from my middle school/high school/even college to some extent, everyone’s perception of me at that point, I’d become just everything that I presented myself as online. This is a huge reason why I always try to be as authentic as possible online, because I don’t have the privilege of being able to link up with my IRL friends as much anymore, whether it’s due to geographical differences or me just being anxious and not being able to link up with people for whatever reason.
I never went to any parties in high school and college and sometimes when I create, I always have this doubting voice in my mind that tells me I try to re-create experiences in creativity to make up for everything that I missed in my teen years. I’m going to turn 26 soon and I’m walking through my supermarket by my childhood home as I use voice to text to put this together. It’s undergone so many changes, as well as the shopping mall around it, and it’s weird to see parts of my childhood changed in a sense. And it’s even weirder as someone who claims to be pro-change and pro-adaptable to everything. But stuff like this was something I never expected to change, my childhood and nostalgia were ingrained here, and as I walk through these aisles of frozen fish and instant noodles, I think about the people that are now in my life who found me through Izeezus, and the people who aren’t in my life anymore that found me as Isaiah.
I think the weirdest part of all of it is that the people that are no longer here, they’re not gone forever, they’re just far more distant than ever; yet I can still spectate them through the Internet and see them living their lives. Navigating relationships in the digital era is not only difficult as a human being, but especially a creative who is bringing in new people in his life every single week. It’ss something I always believed would happen, as I do see success in everything I apply myself to, but I really did expect myself to have far more clarity and understanding of it all as a young adult right now. And I really did not think I'd lose connection with as many people as I have.
While I don’t enjoy parts of coming back home, I love walking down these aisles. The food and items have changed, but the concept is there. The arrangement of these aisles have changed, but my memories with them haven’t. And at the same time, I’m creating brand new memories that I’ll look back on one day, and remember the time when I revisited this grocery store reminiscing on the past.
For the most part, I’ve always felt like I’ve known what I wanted, but I feel like at this time I wish someone could tell me what I am looking for I guess. I haven’t felt confused about my current life situation because I still feel very blessed and content, but just walking around this supermarket for the last 20 minutes has provided a lot more clarity than I knew I was looking for. This all started because I was originally going to make an Instagram story about my middle school and how they’re building a brand new building currently and it seems so dope and it would’ve been awesome to be there when I was in middle school
Separating between Isaiah and Izeezus is somewhat of a challenge navigating through. So many people see me as Izeezus and a lot of times I begin to see things as Izeezus. As I go deeper into the stuff I make, it feels weird sometimes returning to my regular self as Isaiah because sometimes I don’t even know who that is anymore, or what that looks like. I spent the last few years of my life just locking in into my work and refining my output/presence in this world as an artist, and the results of that are slowly coming in, but... *stutters, mumbles and silence that voice to text couldn’t capture.*
Yeah, and that’s the weird part, I’m trying to think of what the “but” is in that sentence and there really isn’t one, that just goes to show how I don’t really know what it feels like to think as Isaiah. That being said, I’m absolutely not going through any kind of split personality thing, I do know I’m very aware of who and what I am, but it goes back to my previous point of how there are so many people from the past that knew Isaiah, who are now not here, and in return are way more people who only know Izeezus. So when I play that Izeezus character for the majority of my time, it’s hard to revert back to Isaiah mode.
At the same time though, I feel like this is what I wanted? I just thought there would be a little bit more of a balance. I think that’s why I resonate with some of my IRL friends who’ve played mentor roles in my life, particularly Richmond and Julia. Both of them saw me as a naive high school nerdy kid, grow into the artist I am today. They witnessed both Isaiah and Izeezus from the start and they still see me as both. I wish I had more friends like that but that’s not something I can pit on people. That’s entirely a situational and temporal thing that none of us have control of.
I feel invincible sometimes when I know I don’t know anything. Knowing that I have no clue what’s gonna happen despite my manifestations is both a worrying yet comforting feeling. Because it reminds me that none of us know, despite people pretending like they do. All the times I want to disappear, I know that someone is far closer than I am to being there, and I wish I weren’t that way. But I know someone reading this will reason with at least one thing I said, so for that reason this is all worth it.
